Thursday, August 17, 2017

13 tahun kawin! Love is in the air..wuuhuu

We will be married for 13 years this Sunday the 20th.
Subhanallah... times flies, huh?  Well, obviously!
You told me masa kecoh-kecoh Nora Danish kawin ngan laki dia and they were big hu-ha about them french kissing.."eleh, 13 thn dulu, nyaris2 ada celebrity kawin kat Masjid Kg Baru nak buat gitu gak. Nasib baik pakcik bini dia cepat-cepat potong, pesang, kiss kat dahi je, bukan kat mulut!"..hahahah...melampau sungguh aksi 18SG!

I have so many things to write about us. I want to talk about love, but I don't want to lie.
Yesterday, as I was reading the FB post shoutouts, I came across to one post, a friend I never met, but I knew she's a good person, a good girl with good heart and full of determination.
She has been in and out of love.
And still struggling looking for love.
She is still young, and I know, love will surely come to her, in a matter of time, in a matter of place.
At least, that's my silent prayer to her. Ameen.

Dah tua-tua ni, banyak cerita tentang cinta.

Yang teraniaya kerana cinta.
Yang tertipu ditipu menipu.
Yang tertinggal ditinggal meninggal.
But one thing for sure, no matter how tired, how 'lelah' and 'serik' one is because of love, we still fall in and out of love; because love is addictive!

Harapan kita, cinta itu biarlah yang indah.
Lukisan minda kita, cinta itu harus yang manis.
Impian kita, cinta itu melodinya terlalu amat merdu.

Dan kita tahu, itu bukan cinta.
I've been in and out of love. Alhamdullilah.
and of all, I thank Allah untuk jodoh orang Kemamang ini.
nope, he's not perfect. and who said I am?
nope, we are not all happy and laugh all the time, but is there any couple who do?
nope, he's not a romantic type of a guy who expressed sweet words to her wife, unless he wants something out of it lah kan... but look at me, the best i could think for our anniversary gift is this blog.. hahahahaha... who cares about romantic candle dinner and great gifts...
we are a bunch of people who called ourselves 'spontaneous' but we both knew we just don't give a heck!

Nope, am not going to lie.
We had our fights..
We ended up with apologizing and promise not to fight again.
And then, there we were in that heated battlefield.

but one thing for sure, I love him. I love him, lillahitaala and I love that feeling.
I remembered the first time I called him all the way from Scotland and he was in London.
(ok, here we goes, reminiscing all the courting moments...  takpelah, takyah citer lah..citer tu tak berubah)
and I'm glad I made that call.

Few days ago, he was rushing and honked the rude motorist that got on his way.
I told him to chill.. 'Biarlah kat dia. Kita mana boleh nak dapat yang best sokmo'
"Eh,  I always wanted the best! That's why I have you!"
Untuk couple yang baru tiga bulan bercinta, that will be the sweetest ever.
Untuk couple yang dah lima enam tahun bercinta, that will be like 'aggghhhh'..melting.
Untuk couple yang nak masuk tiga belas tahun berkahwin (17 tahun bercinta), I was sceptical... he gave me that look 'see, I still GOT it' and smile, and I was like 'whatever'..but trust me, deep insideI am jumping for joy and I knew though he seems to joke around, I knew, ada ikhlas dalam ayat bangga diri tu.

Makin lama kenal, makin lama tahu dan masak dengan perangai masing-masing.
I told he was harsh with the kids, and he would respond "nanti manje marah anak2, abang record kasik manje dengar how 'lembut' you are"
I told him he was so berlagak (and I meant he was so egoistic and I knew he didn't pick up that and would argue after reading this post), and he was right to argue "dok pikir salah orang, manje punya keras hati keras kepala tu tak ingat?" and he was not at fault at all.
Gaduhlah macammana pun, one thing for sure, he would still call 'manje'...
The name that was accidentally mocked by my good friend, "acap panggil ko manje?" and we were like "mana ada oi! ko salah dengar lah!" dan lekat sampai hari ini.
I told aivey once "Aivey ni manjelah!".."No I'm not, you are mama! That's what aboh called you!"
maka, sayalah yang yang manje :)

Dulu, I kept telling him, I love him sebab Allah. But I realized, bila gaduh, abis roboh terbakar rumah kereta semua! Who am I kidding..dok kerana Allah tapi bergaduh lupa diri. Sebok dok doa 'Ya Allah teraniayanya aku!"
Hari ni, as I'm posting this, I don't dare tell him that..
But I'm so much happier to tell myself, I love him for Allah.
I realized, I never told myself that before.
And I told myself now, bila ada berasa hati, Allah lah tempat tuju saya. Allah lah tempat rujukan apa salah dosa saya. Allah lah tempat saya pohon kasik abang dan saya lembut hati dan tak keras kepala (manjelah tu).
Itu cinta kerana Allah.
Perempuan ini, nak masuk syurga, mudah yang amat. Taat Allah dan Rasul SAW. Dengar cakap suami. Jaga pakai, makan sendiri, jangan sampai difitnah, jaga aib suami. Itu je!
Bila bergaduh, mesti kita ni para isteri rasa Ya Allah, kenapa aku harus taat pada dia? Dia seorang yang tidak adil!
Asik kita akur fitnah syaitan. Memang kerja syaitan menghasut.
Ingatlah, Allah tak pernah menganiaya satu jisim makhluk pun! Yang menganiya itu, kita sendiri! Allah cakap dah dalam Quran "Wanita baik dengan lelaki yang baik, wanita jahat dengan yang jahat"
Kalau kita rasa jahat sungguh lah laki kita, mungkin kita nak tengok balik mana letaknya baik kita.

Nope, I'm not telling all ladies out there to just comply. Memang ada lelaki jahat yang pedajal wanita baik.

But always believe, Allah Wujud.
Dan semua yang Allah tentukan, pastinya yang terbaik untuk kita.

Suami saya, dia bukanlah maksum, tapi rezeki saya dia tak zalim.
Suami saya, dia tak romantik, tapi rezeki saya dia mengaku " Kawin lain?  Bukan sebab abg tak boleh berlaku adil dengan manje, abang tak boleh berlaku adil kat diri abang sendiri, macam mana abang nak adil dengan bini banyak? Yang sorang ni pun dah serabut kepala."... dan itu dah cukup romantik untuk bini dia :)
Suami saya, dia macam tak 'caring' dan tak cara hal, tapi alhamdulillah.. cukup lengkap perfect semua makan pakai fizikal emotional spiritual saya..dan itu, katanya bukan tanggungjawab, itu hak bini dia dan dia wajib isi semua selengkapnya.

Suami saya, anugerah Allah.
Allah bukan sesaja perintah Nabi SAW suruh ajar kita kaum wanita jangan lawan cakap suami... sebab Allah janji, ikut cakap laki, Aku jaga hak kamu.. Yanf berjanji itu Allah SWT..bukan manis mulut si lelaki itu!


Makin tua ni, makin tetiba tak pandai berjiwang.
Still, till today,
I'm glad that you still hug and kiss me whenever whereever, even when anak2 are around.
I'm thankful that you still the one I want to rant and talk about nothing and everything.
I'm smiling for this feeling of us having each other beyond all

Thank you for the love, the past 17 years and more..
Till jannah..
bukan sekadar lirik lagu ..
Itu Doa!
Jika kau selam hati iniPastinya engkau kan mengertiBetapa sucinya cintakuJangan diragu
Jika kau rasa getarnyaDebaran kasih cinta yang merontaNilai kasihku padamuCukup berharga


Monday, August 7, 2017

reality bites

i have list of pending posts that i'm yet to complete and publish it in this blog, and i still am struggling.
somehow, not working is a work. i could hardly have time of my own, and whenever i could still an hour or two, i decided to just lie down and sleep....

and so, it's August 7th.. o, how time flies!

the boys are done with their sports day. i do have a story to share.

sports' day has always been the highlights to the boys. for past three years, they had done great and brought a medal back home. for a limited opportunity, having a medal was something big for the boys.

this year, it's a 'different' story.

aidan was the flag bearer for the Green House. he was great as a flag bearer. he wasn't qualified for the track-race 100m run as the Green House has enough candidates. This year, the upper primary was lumped in one group, and aimar, who is in year 4 got shorthlisted with all other five students, but not aidan. aidan was okay, but knowing him, i knew deep in his heart, he wished he was one of the chosen one.

during one of  the sports' practice, he told me he was chosen to lead the Khalifah oath, handpicked by the principal. I was proud of him. perhaps I was so proud of him and I couldn't hide my feeling. I told him upfront how proud I was.

on the day itself, as we rushed to make sure we got our best view to see aidan leading the oath, we were surprised that it was not his name that was being called by the teacher. from the audience, i saw aidan was looking at me in his ninja mask. i didn't see his whole face, but i'm his mother. from his eyes, though set afar, i knew he wanted to tell me 'i'm sorry and i'll tell you later'... a year 5 student were given the honour to lead the oath reciting ceremony.

when we had the opportunity, i went to aidan. he avoided the idea of telling me what went wrong. and so i asked what happened. "i thought i told you yesterday that ustaz change the doa and oat recitation to year 5 students" which then i realized that even Musilim who was supposed to read the doa, wasn't been called upon.

i didn't asked him further. i remembered the look we changed when he was at the field and i was at the stand earlier. that look of 'i'm sorry mama, i want to make you proud but i was such a loser'. i immediately consoled him by telling "maybe ustaz just realized you were the flag bearer and he didn't want to disturb that formation on the field" and so he said "maybe".

it's not the matter of who recite the oath.
i put blame on me.
i was so proud of him when he told me that.
it was actually just a school kids sports' day and anyone could recite the oath that they've been recited every day.
but the excitement i showed him, and the confusion on the bench on the day itself, i have made it worst for aidan.
he was not chosen to be on the track-field event.
he was not the leader who recite the oath.
he was just a student, one of them. and he didn't make mama proud of him.
at least, that's what his eyes was showing when we exchanged look that morning.
i just wished i could hug him and say how sorry i was to make him feel that way.
he shouldn't.
he made mama every proud every second, even for not doing anything special.
i need him to know that.

i told him, he was great with swinging and dancing with the flag.
i told him, it must have been a difficult task.

well, it may seems nothing.
he may have grow out of it.
he's twelve and he'll succeed more than what he did during the sports' day.

but i must keep reminding him, never to let any of my kids to feel the way aidan felt that morning.
he might have not say anything, and even if I asked, he might say he was okay.
being a mom who knew her son since the day he was in my tummy, i knew exactly how he felt.

aidan, please know, for whatever you do, i always pray for your success.
please know, you are a good boy, anak soleh yang baik. and for whatever you do, i know you'll do great.
please ignore what others might turn on you.
the least you've done is put the best effort in everything you do, and i know, itu anak mama, muhammad afieq aidan bin mohd ashraf.

mama macam emotional....
sedih gak bila anak mama sorang ni dah start besar dan dah jarang bercakap bercerita dengan mama.
you have always been there for me, sayang.

masa kat kemaman, when i was all alone sebab aboh kat offshore... i have only you. aidan lah mama bawak ke hulu ke hilir.

mak wang panggil aidan 'budak pejabat' sebab aidan hensem sokmo pepagi, rambut bersikat rapi, bedak comei bertapuk. and i will bring you to haipeng so that i could get my morning dose.

aidan anak baik. sekali sekala mama bawak aidan pergi kedai ten-ten, kat toys' dept, aidan will come and ask "boleh aidan buy something?" and you'll wait for my answer patiently. i would then decide either it's the day you can buy something or you would just browse. if i told you, "kita beli toy next time" you would obediently answer "ok mama, aidan go and look je ye"... and when it was time to go, you would just follow my instruction without any attempt to ask for anything. when there were tme you could buy something, you knew it that you could just pick one toy. what you would do is to look at something else, play with it, and when it was time to leave, you would pick something else. i asked him one "kenapa aidan tak amik gun yang aidan main tadi?' and your answer was "aidan can pick one and i want this ball, so i play with the gun tadi and i can play with the ball later". sometimes, you picked and expensive toy and when i told you it's too expensive, you just put it away and picked others. and sometimes, when you got to pick more than one toy, you would just looked at me, disbelieved!

not that i couldn't afford the toys. barang-barang tak berapa quality kat kedai ten-ten tu its way too cheap as compared to toys r us. but i just want you to learn to value money and opportunity.

alhamdullillah, you, adik2 always a winner when it comes to toys and stuff. tak pernah tantrums or anything. senang allah tolong mudahkan mama aboh dapat anak-anak baik.

but deep inside, mama really salut you, abang aidan. you were only three back then!

aidan, you are coming to twelve in four months time.
and you will always be my anak sulung.

mama love you sayang.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

save the mangroves

i have so many things to talk about my children that end up not telling any..
i hope i manage to talk about them today, so that we could cherished it when time passes by.
again and again, i'm so thankful that Allah eases our way and being in a school that is actively thinking how to make learning fun, i can never stop thanking Allah for leading our way to get the boys into Khalifah Model School. And of course, I owe the school, the principal, the teachers and ustadz for never stop making learning the khalifah way. 

Nope, am not promoting the school.. some might find the school won't fit their children, but it fit us well, alhamdullillah.

last month, the school was organizing the fund raising to save the mangroves. frankly, i was not so fascinated with the idea.. and i doubt that the boys would feel so excited as well. mangroves? we live in the city, we don't care about the mangroves and we didn't even know how what and why mangroves. 

how wrong has i been! the boys were so into this fund raising, especially aimar. 

aidan, being a typical pre-teen (mama still couldn't bear the idea that he's being a teenager.. he's only 12), was not interested on everything, nowadays. he said his classmates were selling stuff for the fund raising, but he don't feel like selling anything...

and the more i asked, the more i got it figured out.. he wanted to sell ice cream with his buddies, but some of them had it all planned out, not including him. and knowing him, as much as he would say he was ok, being the eldest in the family, i always knew it was not okay for him. and so, i talked him out. i asked him if he's going to contribute anything for the fund raising or he would just don't bother. 

"i have some cash from ayah long and duit raya. i can give some of it. mangroves has extinct. the schoold need money so we could buy some pokok and tanam. at least, the small things we can do". 

i was touched listening to his statement. and so, i started my mom's role
"you should sell something for the fund raise. let's do something cheap and sell it. i can help you and you can ask adik2 to help as well". 

and that was it. he started planning, asked me to get stuff and i could never be so proud of him when the day before the fund raising, he was all out in planning, budgeting and even trying to be as efficient he could be by planning the manpower and so on.

I was so proud of him.

The day before the sale, he was all out preparing, and he even managed to convince his siblings to help him.

The cost was only rm20 and I was proud to know that he made rm60. he took rm20, and the balance rm40 went to the charity.

he was ok.

and the week after, aimar was planning for his fund raising. at first, i thought he was just being competitive. being the middle child, his competitiveness level has always been higher as compared to his abang or his adik.

but, as usual, i was supporting him all the way.

on the other hand, his teacher did gave him an assignment to draw a poster of mangroves. aimar, being not as creative crafty as compared to aidan, was worried that he couldn't make a nice poster. aidan volunteered to help. so, they started getting the info from the internet, and aidan started to draw while aimar painted it.

o my, it was such a soothing view to see them work hand in hand, without fighting. there's something about mangroves that brought them together. aimar was very proud when his teacher picked his poster to be display on the school's main notice board.

wham bam!!! more plus point for this mangroves project!!!


and the story didn't stop there. aimar was soooo motivated with raising the fund for the mangroves. he was ecstatic. he wanted to sell bookmarks and went to the bookstore with me to buy nice colour papers for the bookmarks.... i was so impressed to see the outcome. and aimar wanted to sell for less than rm1.. he said his friend won't have much cash to buy expensive bookmarks. he said he could make a lot of bookmarks, sell it for rm0.50 and still raise the fund. he has always been so thoughtful!

and he also got the help from his abang and his adik... wasn't that lovely? the siblinghood bonding!ooooo
of all, i have always been so skeptical with aimar. i always think it was all about winning and competing when it comes to his motive. and that night, i was wrong. i saw his passions. 

and his science teacher was telling me how great aimar was with the bookmarks.his teacher did a demo to the class, and it took him a while where he looked, studied the folded bookmarks, and voila, there he was!!

i posted it in the FB and we had such an overwhelmed kind hearted friends of mine that was willingly donated money for his fundraising. that day alone, he collected rm300 and donated all to the charity. 

yup! he did that!

and on the day they went to the sire, i got two teachers texting me, sending pictures of how excited and how focused he was with the information he gained. it was not aimar at all. he never could focus on things so deep like he did. 

besarNya kuasa Allah... Dialah Zat yang membolak-balikkan hati sesiapapun.. 

I can always think aimar is never serious in anything.. he just couldn't as he get all fidgety..  sekejap je Allah tunjuk.. 

for whatever, doa yang baik2 untuk anak2. 

and aimar dear, mama always do pray for the best in you. ameen. 

they called them 'children' not 'student'

and i meant well
it's teachers' day today. (the day i wrote the post, not the day i posted this)
i have so many things to say and so many blessing to counts, that i decided to write it out, one by one.
to all the teachers of my children

i had an experience to guide 11 year 6 students (of 12 years old boys and girls) for a performance they are going to present it this sunday.
i thought it's gonna be easy.
these kids are big enough as much as independent.
these kids are big enough to grab on things what they need and should do.
these kids are the most seniors and easy to guide!!
these kids are students of khalifah model school.
and how wrong have i been!
nope, they are not bad kids.
but then again, when they show no interest, sign of protest, buat idea sendiri takmo dengar auntie ain cakap and so on.... i was wondering, how did all their teachers survived all these while?
istiqomah, sabar, tekun...
ya allah, it's undescribable.
i could hardly make aidan listen to me the first time i asked him to.
and he is my own son, the most obedient anak of all!
and how could i expect the other 10 can listen??????

it was a brief encounter...
and the more i think of it, the more i knew i owe all the teachers that in my life, all the teachers of my children and all the teachers in this world who has made us the way we are..


i wished i could buy them a Ferragamo bags or an Aigner watches.. just a sign of gratitude.. to all of them... but i guess, for now, cikgu2, kita berangan dulu ye.
when aidan was 4 years old, his was in a small kindi in kemaman.tadika seri budi. i remembered one day, aidan came back and told me "mama, sorry, tadi cikgu ros pukul hand aidan sebab aidan was talking when she was teaching".. he was only 4 and i was so defensive. but, i didn't see any wrong that cikgu ros has done. in fact, she was educating.. and that was his first lesson, respect your teachers!

aimar pulak, was lucky enough to get to know teacher noni during his kindi. anak nombor 2 saya ni, hero sikit. when i heard no complaint about aidan, aimar always made me closer to teachers... "kak, aimar pecah kan cermin mata kawan dia" and they were only four... sampai umur sepuluh tahun cikgu dok message mama "kak, nanti saya nak jumpe akak ye." and my usual suspect was aimar :)

bukanlah makna kata aidan tu tak pernah ada isu. o. he has his issue alright...

aivey, taring die belum tumbuh lagi. she has always be the quite one when in class.. just a total opposite than she is at home. belum dapat gu lagi kot.
i have been posting so many nice things about the teachers of khalifah.. the boys' teachers.
fact is, they are all nice.

pernah masa amik result aimar, teacher cakap "aimar ni kasar sangat, ada cikgu cakap dia kurang ajar"
aidan pun ada turn kene 'sound' ngan cikgu sampai kena ban from joining the qalam jamaei'
and me, being a defensive mother (and tell me, mak mana yang tak defensive?)... kekadang macam nak marah gak, dan kekadang macam sedih gak...

but then again, bila dengar balik cerita anak2 sendiri, i tried putting myself on the teachers' shoes..not my own shoes.. i might know and accepted my sons weaknesses and flaws... but these teachers... jenuh lah kalau semua nak tau and nak accept perangai 'special' anak2 kita satu-persatu... though, trust me when i say, almost all the teachers in KMS knew their students' acts and antics.... it's just the school. the method their using is so workable and o my, they are not just teaching my children, but me and my hubby too...

i remembered being interviewed by teacher lin before aidan and aimar got to be enrolled to the school... mak aii.. boleh cikgu tanye "how do you penalised your kids at home? do you know that in khalifah we don't encourage harshness".. i was like... ishhh.. sekolah pulak nak ajar camne kami nak besarkan anak kami... and me, being defensive (again), terus tanye teacher "why must you asked?" and her answered was not so convincing. she told me "we don't practice beating or hitting or anything harsh. khalifah method is a method that we guide our students to have a good inner speech, out of their own willingness to be good so that they know what is good and what is not. we teach with kindness. and this can only work out if the same applies at home too".
i was like, huh? no harsh punishment? no marah tengking? only kindness???? boleh ke itu macam?
trust me, i was like "does it work?" and she told me "insyaallah".

i was skeptical. but trust me, how wrong have i been... orang kata, bumi mana tak ditimpa hujan. its not all gold and shines, but it's the best they could give to my boys.

alhamdullillah, praise to allah for the blessings.

one of the right thing we did was to have them in a school like kms.
panjang pulak meleretnya...
nak cerita pasal cikgu2, pusing2 bukak citer sekolah.

but then again, if only i could describe the bond the students have with the teachers, the trust the students put on their teachers, the love they had for each others....if only i could....
it is undescribable, indeed...

i was working on the teachers' day event this weekend. one of the task is to do some editing work... the students were interviewing their teachers... i noticed one thing in common.. all of them would describe their students as children.. i love working with the children, i wish the best for the children and so on.... and some how, i was touched.
dear teachers, you've done so much for my kids, and we were strangers...the best gift i could gift (though Ferragamos or aigner sound great) is our prayers.. ya allah,hanya engkau yang mampu membalas jasa2 mereka yang baik budi... moga ilmu2 yang bermanfaat menjadi bekal buat kalian hingga ke jannah..ameen...

yes, it's personal

salam sir,
it has been 72 hrs, and i thought i could put everything in peace, and i failed.
i couldn't.
therefore, i'm writing this note to you.
for whatever we've done to you, please forgive us.
yes, as much as we tried to understand what major sins has been committed to the extent he was dismissed, we still couldn't compute on the decision made.
yes, he did wrong. he was late, always.
yes, he missed the submission.he failed submitting the respond in due time.
yes, the decision was not made by you alone. you do not have the authority to decide all by yourself.

but sir, i wonder, was it so severe that he had to be dismissed immediately, being humiliated to that extent, for all that he's done? did make the company loss so much business and profits? has he hurt anyone, especially you, to the extent you hate him so much?
he has his troubles.
i wish he could be more expressive and share it to everyone.
but, being that hard-headed man, i know he won't.

dear sir,
i wonder if you anyone closer to you, to be exact, anyone who is under your amanah, being diagnosed with cancer?
i'm not trying to buy any sympathy.. we don't need any.
in fact, as i'm writing this, i wish you highlight, this means no business, and yes, it's personal.
he didn't knew i'm writing this and please don't put more blame on him.
he was just a man who is 18 years younger than you, jobless, just because he did not submit few pages of his clarifications to defend himself when he had the chance. He definitely a good husband, he is now so distraught for having a sick wife who is not working and three little children who are still at school and need to be feed, take care of and love for. back to cancer, did you know that although he was the first Asian who was given the responsibility as the Supt in the 1st Deepwater FPSO in Asia, he didn't get much recognition on that achievement? I didn't understand how can the Company trust him so much that the Company could give him that post... On the other hand, did you know, when he got the job, he so much under stress. That was the year his wife was diagnosed of having cancer. That was the year he flunked his appraisal after decades in his careers. He has always been a nerdy in school and university and work. But, his wife had cancer, and we were only in our mid 30s.
Alhamdullillah, thanks to Petronas, the treatment was all paid for. Alhamdullillah, his wife recovered after 8x chemo and 33x radiotherapy. She lost 30kg and she was too skinny bone and too tired to work. We opted for her not to work during the remission. It's our 4th year of remission now. Did you know, when his wife no longer working with Petronas, she was no longer having her own medical insurance and depending on his? Did you know that she did not have any other insurance before that and too late to have a personal insurance now for cancer has always been a 'death penalty' to the patients? Did you know that remission doesn't mean you are going to be healthy all the time? Did you know that the chemo drug kills all the cell in her bodies and she is now recovering with such a horrifying side effect? Did you know that the head and neck radiotherapy kills her normal hearing, that she could hardly hear lots of things and need a lot of patience for people to deal with her? She also do not have enough saliva as her saliva gland was severely burnt due to the chemo, did you know?
Enough about cancer... it's just that it wasn't you that give us the cancer. But I just wish that you could understand, when his wife was not well, most of the time, he was the only adult in the house (and has to go to work), making sure everything is run normally and smoothly. That includes managing the kids schooling, the food and so forth. Did you know he was juggling in between time. Yes, you are right. it was none of your business. He should have been smart enough to manage to handle his personal life. He failed the company and it was him to be at fault (really?how thoughtful the company is). But, please agree with me, he is a good husband and a good father. And I bet, you are a good husband and a good father too... otherwise, at the age of 58, you won't be bothering to work and disciplining others, if you do not have children to feed on. Or maybe my assumption was wrong.
dear sir, if only you know how he tried writing up that summary and respond to your letter! If only you know. It was a mess sir! He didn't sleep..not at all.. He didn't sleep, not one or two nights in a row... he didn't sleep eight nights in a row.. at least, that's the longest I managed to keep track on. he was on his laptop, on that word files, editing and amending it over and over again. It was a horrible arguments we had when I asked him to just submit whatever.. and being an oddly perfectionist (which he denies my :)), he failed to submit anything. and yes, it was not your fault sir. but I just wish if you knew.
and on wednesday, when you were so proud on the decision you made, when you were so firm with the decision you held on, i wonder, did you know, that man who is 18 years younger than you is out of work while you are still working... i wonder, did you know he has mouth to feed.. and i bet, just like you, you are working to feed your wife and children.. but unlike you, he is not working..

dear sir, it is not your fault and i'm not pointing fingers on you.. he told me it was not your faults... ada hikmah Allah has arranged beautifully.

but sir, i just want to know? if that's how an HR head thinks the best to disciplining a person, does it really work? Does it give you the satisfaction sir? Does it give you such a great achievement that you can be proud of sir? Does it fair enough rather than other method like demotion and many other option? Does it fulfilled your satisfaction for having such penalty on a person who was clueless what DI was, how it should be conducted and failing to adhere or even requested for extension in a proper manner?

sir, have him and his family done so many wrongs to you that you hate us so much? forgive him and forgive us.
but please know, he hasn't been sleeping for months now. please pray that he's okay.

dear sir, forgive me for this writing, it supposed to be just a few lines of notes. i just want to know what sin has he made that the only option is to dismissed him immediately, as if he was born with no dignity. apparently, i wrote too much. but i wonder sir, did you ever think how it felt to be in this man shoe? the shoe you've done some damage on.

thank you sir. may allah bless you and your family.

Saturday, April 1, 2017


I guess, I don't need to explain myself for the long pause.
I'm here

Rimbun dan redup kasih-Mu
Kau tempat ku berpayung
Di manakah lagi dapat ku rebahkan
Rasa gundah ini

Nun Kau teguh di sana
Pengasih dan Penyayang
Pun ku masih terleka
Meneguk ihsan-Mu
Walau ku sedari

Oh... nyamannya
Bila diperlukan rindu-Mu
Mengimbaulah sentosa

Bentangkan ku permaidani
Dari baldu berwarna putih
Moga tak ku terasakan
Cubaan yang ku galas ini
Kepada Mu titianku
Hijrahkanlah diri ini


Sekali-sekala, datang penat itu.
Lelah sesak nafaz dibuatnya.
Letih lesu lunyai.
Itu lah paling tinggi ujianNya.
Kurang sabar kita ini, sebab kurang syukur dalam hati

itu tempat kita
tempat bercerita
termpat bergossip
termpat mengadu
tempat munuduh segala

Dia Mendengar, dan kau tahu bila engkau tak mahu berhenti berceloteh meluah rasa biarpun suara yang ada hanya suara kamu
Dia Melihat, dan kau tahu bila engkau sendiri yakin dengan keajaiban segala perancanganNya
Dia Ar-Rahim, Dia Ar-Rahman, Dia Al-Latif, Dia Al-Ghaffur
selagi mana engkau yakin Dia ada di dalam mu
selagi mana engkau pegang Dia tempat engkau meminta
selagi mana engkau sujud menyembah Dia yakin diri sangat kerdil dan berdosa
selagi mana engkau basah menangis memohon ampun, memohon belas, memohon tenang, memohon iman, memohon sabar, memohon syukur, memohon rahmat, memohon berkat, memohon perlindungan, memohon cinta, memohon kasih, memohon harap, memohon kebergantungan..
Dia tak tidur
Dia Ada
Selagi mana niatmu hanya Dia
Dia tetap Ada
Yang Satu
Yang Esa
Yang Kasih
Yang Rahmat
Maha Pengampun
Maha boros melimpahkan taubat, melimpahkan rahmat
Pegang Dia
Mengadu pada Dia
Ikut Dia

sebab kita hanya ada Dia
bukan mereka, bukan yang lain
Hanya DIA
Maha Suci Dia

Ya Allah, Jauh sungguh hijrahku ini.. Lama betul terpesong senget berpatah arang..
Dan hanya Engkau Ya Allah, pemberi hidayah, yang bawa aku kembali

Sayangnya Engkau pada si fakir hina ini..

Dan aku masih belum puas ketagihkan kasih Mu
sikit lagi Ya Allah
sikit lagi
sikit lagi
bantu aku
bantu kami
jangan tutup hidayah taubat itu Ya Allah

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Keterlanjuran kita

Asyik sungguh aku terbuai dengan setiap madah puitis, khusyuk dengan penceritaan ikhlas, terus-terang dan benar-sebenarnya. Seronok! Gerun! Geram! Sesal! Sesak! Semua ada.
Kisahnya mudah, bahasanya indah. 

Layak-selayaknya dia disebut-sebut karyawan ulung, ulama masyhur Hamka.

Aku masih lagi leka membaca setiap mukasurat buku ini.

Terpanggil nak bercerita perihal dunia.
'Kerana sesiapa pun perempuan, bagaimana pun hinanya, buruk dan baiknya adalah kepandaian lelaki, lain tidak'
Tidak perlu berbicara sedalam-dalamnya. Hari itu, di FB, ada kisah para isteri yang marah.. ustaz ustazah dok tarbiah isteri kena berhias untuk suami, isteri kena siapkan air, sedekah senyuman bila suami balik... yang buat mereka lagi marah bila ustaz ustazah seperti mahu menunding jari kepada si isteri.. padahal isteri pun penat pulang dari kerja, sambung pulak kerja di rumah.. Allahuakbar, usah marah pada sang ustaz ustazah itu. yang mereka kongsikan itu nasihat rasul kita sallallahualaihiwasallam. 

(dan jangan marah saya pulak bila berkata begitu. saya bukan ustazah, ye saya tahu. saya tak kerja, ye saya tahu)

hal urusan rumahtangga hal kita laki bini.
kalau baik, ambil sebagai nasihat. kalau buruk, simpan letak tepi, supaya beringat, jangan buat! 

kita orang islam, tak patut percaya pada karma. tapi yakin Allah itu ada,Allah itu  perancang terbaik, Allah itu hak segala di bumi dan di langit.

banyak sangat cerita tak betul yang kita 'betulkan' untuk keperluan kita.

ada kawan belajar di luar negara, jauh dari ibu bapa, bertemu si cinta hati. kerana tidak mampu menjaga nafsu, tapi gerun dimurkai ibu, si lelaki ajak menikahi si gadis, tanpa izin dari si wali.. kahwin senyap2, nanti balik kampung kita kahwin lagi.

ada sahabat, masih 'waras' fikirnya. mana patut aku bernikah sementara aku masih muda dan masih bergelar pelajar. tapi cinta buat mereka terlanjur. lepas terlanjur, si perempuan risau tak datang bulan. bila sahih ada isi di rahimnya, the only option is abortionšŸ˜­

ada juga yang masih waras dan yakin gugur bukan cara jalannya. anak itu lahir selepas sembilan bulan, sihat sesihatnya. tapi sebab risau bual mulut orang, sebab gusar ibu yang tua akan gugur jantung jika tahu khabaran sebenarnya, direkakan cerita anak yang lahir itu anak pungut. dia terlalu sayang anak si pungut itu, disimpan dan dibelanya dan si ibu tua juga kasih pada si kecil itu.

ada jodoh, ibu muda itu kahwin juga dengan kekasih hatinya. si suami bahasakan diri sebagai ayah pada anak kecil itu, dan si ibu masih berselindung identiti demi 'maruah' keluarga. 

ada andartu, manis putih orangnya, cuba selindung dari status isteri kedua. dikahwini sang lelaki tua yang rakus di sempadan.. tak berwali tak diketahui. si bapa andartu tak tahu, si isteri pertama mungkin tertanya-tanya.

yang lelaki, semuanya mudah, bila hati engkau sudah terpikat, ingat balik asal yang diniat.

bila kau nak amik anak orang, ada cara dan adab yang betul dan halal. 
engkau yang akan berjawab dengan tuhanmu dan tuhan isteri mu. 
kalau niat kamu tulus nak elak dosa, ambil dia cara baik, dari walinya dan terus2an pimpin dia supaya terus diganda pahala.

kalau engkau rasa yang 'terbaik' dengan merahsiakan dan bersembunyi, rasa balik betul2!

kalau engkau nak biarkan si isteri, berharap dia jadi isteri sempurna, tunjukkan dia cara suami sempurna. layaknya si sempurna dengan sempurna.

kalau engkau masih bernekad, aku lakukan demi menjaga agamaku, nekad semula. fikir, sanggupkah engkau jika perempuan itu anak dan saudara kerabatmu? 

nafsu itu memang hebat, tapi akal waras lagi lagi hero. yakinlah.

ada caranya. 
Aku tak de hak untuk menilai. Kita semua tak berhak. Kita mungkin tahu apa yang dilakukan dosa besar! Kita boleh berkata, tapi, kita bukan mereka...
Cuma, aku nak mintak tolong satu, balik pada Quran. 
Kita ini manusia... insan.. lemah!
Tapi, bila kita tau kita buat salah, bila kita rasa kita tak layak untuk syurga allah, usahalah berganda2, mintak ampun pada Dia.

Allah cakap, elakkan zina. Bukan, Allah cakap jangan kita hampiri zina! Tu sebab asal mula, kita rendahkan pandangan, kita tutup aurat, kita perlahankan suara, kita tak pakai gelang berkerincing.. antara cadangan untuk menjauhi zina!

Dan aku, antara yang tidak terlepas dari dosa. 

Tapi, Allah juga ajar kita.. di dalam namaNya ada ArRahman ArRahim! Bertaubatlah! Beristighfarlah!
Yang lelaki, be the man. 
Yang ada anak lelaki, didik anakmu untuk menjadi lelaki.
Yang perempuan, jagalah diri, jagalah hati.