Thursday, October 12, 2017

Anak No 2 Mama

Of all the emotions I had today, I finally cried in my asar prayers for feeling me not being the best mother I could have been.
...

Hari ni, Aidan went to a backpacking trip at Sabak Bernam for 3D2N of his own, without us, but with his classmates and two doting teachers.
It's his first experience of many.
Looking at the photos being shared; I knew he would have fun..
Nope, am not worried. Am just touched... another sign of him learning to grow up, live life at his fullest, independently.

Hari ni, my hubby picked Aivey a little later than her usual pick-up time. She always was as chatty and complained whenever I was ten-minutes late picked her up. She would nagged "Mama, why did you come late? I was bored you know. All my friends went home already and I have no one to play with".. but not this time. She said to his dad that it's okay if he was late, he just need to try his best not to be late next time. How could she let her dad go just like that??? Ishk! Double standard lah, V!

Hari ni, I saw his face from the school glass door.

 and whenever I look in this photo, it left a mark in a mom's heart.

...
Cerita anak no 2.
We heard it. We heard it all...the middle child syndrom. Selalunya, citer middle child syndrom ni citer anak tengah yang rasa neglected sebab dia bukan yang first dan bukan yang last.

I am  the eldest of three. Anak abah, saya ni.
Then, my brother is the 2nd. But, I doubt he had difficulty with feeling neglected being the only son, anak kesayangan mama.
Yeen pulak, our little sister.. though she might portray herself as being independent; she has always been anak manje mama abah.

As for my hubby... as much as he denies it, I still believe he is different because he is the 'middle' child. He is not really the middle child. He is the 3rd of 4th. Tapi, the first is a big brother, and the second is a big sister and then came him and his brother followed suit. So, more or less..dia anak tengah.... dan dia 'special'!

Aimar pun 'special'...
Growing up, he has always been the one who I would expected phone calls from the school and I would asked "Aimar buat apa teacher?" though Aidan might sometimes be the caused of the phone calls.
Aimar tak nakal. Never. He has always been a charmer.. dari kecik baby sampai lah ke besar. Cuma dia kurang focus banding dengan abang and adik. Kurang like, he would made himself occupied with lots of things in his brains and he could hardly listen to instructions or observed his environment. Sebab tu, selalu jugak mama punya kesabaran diuji dan diuji. But he has always been a good son. Kalau time dia dengar mama mintak tolong, he would be the first to offer his helps. Masa kat sekolah, ada parents yang WhatsApp mama, telling me to say thanks to Aimar for helping his friends at school. Ada sekali tu, when I dropped by the school, I saw him at the toilet. "Aimar dah habis pergi toilet ke?" "Taklah Ma, Aimar tolong Izz Haikal. Dia ada incident, terwee-wee kene seluar dia. Aimar tolong bagi seluar extra lost & found".... kalau anak lain, mungkin ada yang dah dibiarkan kawannya sebab time tu time nak pergi makan.
Bila belajar, dia tip top. Alhamdullillah. I always scolded him for not doing revisions and never brought back homeworks home. But usually, he had finished his work at school and revisions would take merely 15 mins and he could answers most questions correctly right after.
And he moves a lot. My hubby concluded he moves a lot because he has so many buzzing things playing in his mind. Perhaps!
But sometimes, his moves, kalau tak bagi cedera kat dia, will injured orang sekeliling..itu yang kekadang cepat je mama nak bunyi suara tinggi dari biasa.
Sports - sebab he moves a lot,he tends to have so much stamina and energy. Masa darjah 1,2,3..gold sprint memang Aimar pegang. Tahun ni, darjah 4, dia 'slow sikit'... We told him "Aimar dah gemuk" amd Aivey was the happiest person to hear that sebab all this while both abang suka ejek adik gemuk.

Last week was his birthday. He was having his exam on the birthday so we didn't celebrate or do anything yet ..still haven't till today. His teacher shared his exam paper. A picture I must share in this blog..

Tu dia.... Sebesar-besar alam dia nak buat announcement kat teacher that it was his birthday. Teacher Hazirah and Teacher Nadzirah did gave him a chocholate and a nice wafer-rolls and he couldn't be so proud bragging to his siblings "Teacher Aimar bagi hadiah besday".

Itu Aimar... the peak that you see... and there's so much we couldn't see underneath.

Aimar 'rajin' kene tegur ngan kami. He tend to do something before he thinks, that made us never stop wanting to correct him so that dia besar the way he should, the great khalifah.

And today, i broke down for him.

The school had a qualifying round for the Futsal Milo tournament to be held in November, and Aidan and him went for the qualifying last Saturday. The first picture I shared, the picture I took from the glass door, was me not knowing the news.. and him anticipating for the good news. He didn't make it. Aidan did, alhamdullillah, but not Aimar.

Aidan came right up to me while I was kept in the dark. Aimar went to his classroom, not to me, right away. That was the moment, as his mama, i failed him miserably.

I've been putting extra time with Aidan off late due to his UPSR exams, and also Aivey for she had to picked up her reading pace. But I was so laidback with Aimar. He always the one who don't require hardwork and got what he want. That was in my mind.

And he didn't get through the selection.

I just don't know how to react... even until now.

How I failed him? I guess I didn't pray hard enough for him. I believe in doa ibu takde hijab... but I overlooked... astghfirullahalazim... I was so confident Aimar would pull through and I was more worried if Aidan didn't make it as I won't have the motivational speech to give Aidan if he failed. I didn't prepare anything for Aimar's bad news.....

But Alhamdullillah, Allah gave me the opportunity to be there when he heard the news. Imagine if I received the news only when I picked him up from school later in the afternoon. He might have the worst day ever and mama wasn't there for him.

I hugged him... but I guess, at that time, it was me that need the hug the most. Dia anak baik.. always...Cuma mungkin mama yang terlepas pandang, ingat dia boleh buat dan handle semuanya, including heartbroken and rejections. and of course, mama was wrong.

And I guess, this is how my mama and every mother feels when their children are sad. rasa macam nak bagi satu dunia kat anak. rasa nak mintak maap sebab the best we could say 'that's how the world rotates and face it, it's life'. I guess, it's parts and parcels in life. but, to be a mama means you just don't want anything that hurt your anak, physically or emotionally.

I keep on mummed when my mama nagged about me tak makan ubat hari-hari. 'Ala ma, ubat tu, makan tak makan,, sakit tu Allah gak yang kasik dengan tak kasik'.... but at times i'm writing this, even I'm a mama myself, I know what my mama feels when I was sick, lying on my bed in the room, coughing, muntah-muntah, merengek merayu masa Ain sakit and treated masa chemo dulu was something no mama wants to go through! Itu sebab mama hari-hari pesan suruh makan ubat. I know, she would just want me not to fall sick, again...

Anak, kalau mama boleh tukar tempat korang so that you don't feel hurt or heartbroken or frustrated or anything sad and bad, mama nak sangat... no worries.. i won't charge! i just don't want to know i failed and you cried for i don't pray hard enough... please know, i do...

my love, untuk tiga-tiga anak mama tak beza tak kurang tak lebih.
doa mama, just be anak soleh solehah, and be the good imam and isteri solehah, be the best khalifah islam yang pegang pada agama... sebab itu lah jalan nak berjaya, dunia akhirat. insyaallah.



Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Patience, Gratitude, Sincere

I wasn't feeling as good as usual this morning.
Nope, not because I am sick.. I'm just sad.

I wonder, how can anyone be in position of consistent sabar if she's been pushed so hard to some extent she couldn't take it and just let go.
Is that what the other party wanted it to be? For the person to let go?
Well, if its Allah's wills, its Allah's wills.
If you pushed too hard and yet it is not the time to let go, then it won't happened.
For He is The Almighty.
If you hold too hard and for Allah's wills to let go, no matter hard you are hold, it will let go.
For He is The Knowing.

I was reading the Hadith 40 Imam Nawawi and thought of sharing Hadith no 19.

Ibn Abbas reported: I was riding with the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said:
يَا غُلَامُ إِنِّي أُعَلِّمُكَ كَلِمَاتٍ احْفَظْ اللَّهَ يَحْفَظْكَ احْفَظْ اللَّهَ تَجِدْهُ تُجَاهَكَ إِذَا سَأَلْتَ فَاسْأَلْ اللَّهَ وَإِذَا اسْتَعَنْتَ فَاسْتَعِنْ بِاللَّهِ وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ الْأُمَّةَ لَوْ اجْتَمَعَتْ عَلَى أَنْ يَنْفَعُوكَ بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَنْفَعُوكَ إِلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ لَكَ وَلَوْ اجْتَمَعُوا عَلَى أَنْ يَضُرُّوكَ بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَضُرُّوكَ إِلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ عَلَيْكَ رُفِعَتْ الْأَقْلَامُ وَجَفَّتْ الصُّحُفُ
O young man, I will teach you some words. Be mindful of Allah and He will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him before you. If you ask, ask from Allah. If you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that if the nations gathered together to benefit you, they cannot benefit you unless Allah has written it for you, and if the nations gathered together to harm you, they cannot harm you unless Allah has written it for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages dried.
Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2516, Grade: Sahih
In another narration, the Prophet said:
وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ فِي الصَّبْرِ عَلَى مَا تَكْرَهُ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا وَأَنَّ النَّصْرَ مَعَ الصَّبْرِ وَأَنَّ الْفَرَجَ مَعَ الْكَرْبِ وَأَنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
Know that there is much good in patience with what you dislike, that support will come with patience, relief will come with affliction, and hardship will come with ease.
Source: Musnad Ahmad 2800, Grade: Hasan
 Cantikkan hadis ni.

Daripada Abdullahbin 'Abbas RA katanya
"saya pernah berada di belakang Nabi SAW pada suatu hari, Nabi sebut kepada saya 'Wahai anak! Sesungguhnya aku hendak mengajarkan kau beberapa kalimat:
Pelihara Allah maka Allah akan menjaga kamu,
Jaga perintah Allah maka kamu akan melihat Allah akan sentiasa berada di hadapan kamu,
Apabila kamu ingin meminta, pintalah kepada Allah,
Apabila kamu ingin meminta pertolongan, maka pintalah pertolongan kepada Allah.
Ketahuilah, kalau umat ini bersepakat untuk memberi manfaat kepada kamu dengan sesuatu, mereka tidak akan memberikan manfaat kepada kamu melainkan sesuatu yang telah ditetapkan oleh Allah ke atas kamu.
Jika mereka bersepakat memberi mudarat kepada kamu dengan sesuatu, mereka tidak akan memberi mudarat kepada kamu melainkan sesuatu yang telah ditakdirkan oleh Allah kepada kamu.
Maka telah diangkatlah pena-pena dan telah keringlah lembaran-lembaran.'"

Dr Muhammad Rozaimi Ramle explained in brief on this hadis in his book Taddabur Hikmah Hadis 40 Imam Al-Nawawi (Karangkraf Publication).

And to quote the last part "Maknanya takdir yakni ketetapan qada' dan qadar Allah SWT telah berlaku. Oleh itu, segala perkara berlaku di dunia , semuanya dengan takdir Allah SWT. Jika sesorang datang untuk memberi manfaat atau mudarat, dengan izin dan takdir Allah SWT perkara itu berlaku."

And that's how, my dear, we put all our feelings, our actions, our grudges, our complaints, our niat, out gratitudes, our patience, our sincerity and everything and nothing out of ourselves - kerana Allah SWT.

Nak bercinta, bercintalah kerana Allah
Nak marah, marahlah kerana Allah
Nak sedih, sedihlah kerana Allah
Nak beramal, amallah kerana Allah
Nak geram, geramlah kerana Allah
Nak suka, sukalah kerana Allah

For He is why we are we.

Itu caranya.
Kalau orang benci, herdik, marah, sayang, suka, puji... niatkanlah semua kita rasa itu LillahiTaala.

Jangan persoal bagaimana tahan sabar dengan manusia kalau hari-hari diherdik dan dijerkah tanpa usul periksa, dan ditambah pula, bila diperjelaskan, dengan mudah diungkapkan maaf dan menuntut maaf seikhlas-ikhlas dari kita yang dituduh salah sebelumnya.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, sabar itu, InsyaAllah, dipermudahkan.

Jangan persoal inikah balasan setiap belas setiap kasih yang dicurahkan kepada manusia yang pastinya tidak pernah setimpal dan mencukupi kerana mereka manusia dan kita juga manusia, tak pernah puas dengan balasan baik.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, syukur itu, InsyaAllah, seindah-indah nikmat.

Jangan persoal busuknya hati setiap insan yang menuduh sembarangan tanpa alasan dan terus yakin dengan kebenaran hatinya yang kelam itu bila hati kita belum tentu suci sesucinya.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, ikhlas itu, InsyaAllah, yang paling manis menghidupkan kalbu.

Sekali-sekala orang terlupa, maafkanlah
Sekali-sekala orang orang leka, biarkanlah
Selalunya orang marah, doakanlah

Even the longest day eventually sees the setting of the sun
Even the darkest night has stars
And after the night, without a doubt the sun will rise again.
Nothing lasts, not Happiness nor Sadness
Take the days as they come and make the most of each moment
Be patient in difficult moments and be grateful in times of ease
And remember, Allah is with you through it all





Monday, October 9, 2017

Semua Dicatat - Ust Pahrol Juoi


Took some notes on what was heard from the IKIM Radio... sharing it here, and hope it's beneficial.
Jom, improve ourselves.
...

"Sekiranya kita tidak ceria, 
Mungkin kita kurang memberi. 
Mungkin kita lalai tanpa berzikir dan berdoa.
Mungkin kita lupa bersyukur selalu"
...

Kata ustaz
>>> Orang yang masuk syurga pun ada kekesalan... syurga ada banyak peringkat.. yang paling tinggi ialah syurga fridaus. siapa yang tak dapat duduk kat syurga firdaus, mesti rasa menyesal sebab tak kerja keras nak kejar firdaus. 

>>> Doalah. Mintak husnul khotimah. Doalah mintak nak masuk syurga firdaus tanpa dihisab.
>>> Doa : Allahumma innaka aafuwun karim
>>> Jangan pernah putus asa dengan rahmat Allah.

>>> Kenapa kita beramal? - sebagai penentu darjat di dalam syurga. 


>>> Kita ini al-fakir, sentiasa berhutang dengan Allah atas segala nikmat yang diberiNya dan tak mampu kita nak membalas segala nikmat dengan berapa banyak pun amalan baik takkan mencukupi.




>>>Kenapa seseorang masuk ke neraka? bukan kerana kezaliman Allah, tetapi kerana keadilan Allah atas kezaliman seseorang itu terhadap dirinya sendiri -- Al Kahf, ayat 49.

>> raqib & atib mencatat perkataan; kirimman katiban mencatat perbuatan
>> raqib semtiasa mengawasi / memantau
>> atib sentiasa hadir

>> iklas dalam beramal
>>Imam Ghazali ada bermimpi; apa yang dia dapat bawa untuk elakkan diri dari kemurkaan Allah - bukan hasil kitab2nya, tetapi suatu hari sedang dia menulis, datang seekor lalat hinggap pada dakwat pennya dan meminumnya. Dibiarkan lalat itu minum dan amalan itulah yang mengelakkan dia dari kemurkaan Allah.

>>> Allah SWT lebih kasih kepada hambanya berbanding kasih ibu bapa pada anak mereka.  
>>> Allah itu bukan sahaja Al-Ghaffur (dosa diampun, tapi masih ada di dalam buku catatan), Dia juga Al-Aafu (dosa diampun dan tiada dalam buku catatan) dan Ar-Rahman
>>> Dia mengampunkan, 'melupakan' dosa kita dan menyayangi kita.
>>> Forgive, Forget and Love
Subhanallah
-Ust Pahrol Juoi, Semua Dicatat, IKIMfm

Friday, September 29, 2017

The Help

It's Friday....
Penghulu segala hari..
Hari disunatkan baca AlKahf ayat 1-10, minta dielakkan dari fitnah dajjal.
Hari banyak2 berselawat atas Nabi SAW
Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.
....

I'm in a mission to complete this book, tafsir al-azhar juzuk 30 by Hamka.

Baca slow-slow, ikut dan and mood... start dari surah paling belakang.. and I only managed to stop at surah an-nasr last night.

And so, what about this post?
I was reading the five and quarter page of tafsir An-Nasr and I cried so bad that I might have ruined the pages....
I cried not because of I was sad.
I cried not because I wasn't happy.
I cried for where we are now... astaghfirullahhalazim.
....
So, An-Nasr.
Maksudnya pertolongan, the help (from Allah SWT)

إِذَا جَاءَ نَصْرُ اللَّهِ وَالْفَتْح
وَرَأَيْتَ النَّاسَ يَدْخُلُونَ فِي دِينِ اللَّهِ أَفْوَاجًا
، فَسَبِّحْ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّكَ وَاسْتَغْفِرْهُ ۚ إِنَّهُ كَانَ تَوَّابًا
1. Apabila telah datang pertolongan Allah dan kemenangan. / When there comes the help of Allah and the Conquest
2. Dan kamu lihat manusia masuk agama Allah dengan berbondong-bondong. / And you see that the people enter Allah's religion in crowds3. Maka bertasbihlah dengan memuji Rabbmu dan mohonlah ampun kepada-Nya.Sesungguhnya Dia adalah Maha Menerima taubat. / So, glorify the praises of your Loard and ask His forgiveness. Verily, He is the One Who accepts the repentance and Who forgives. 

 [an-Nasr/110 : 1-3]

.....
Surah ini surah kemenangan. Bersorak semua umat Muhammad SAW waktu mendengar wahyu dari Allah ini.

Surah ini penuh kekuatan, kejayaan. Being typical human, or maybe me, I would be so happy when the help for His Almighty came to me after all the struggles and hardships...
Tapi, Buya Hamka tulis dalam tafsir ni, betapa humble Nabi junjungan kita Rasullullah SAW,

"Oleh sebab itu, maka tersebutlah di dalam Sirah Nabawi, bahawa nabi SAW ketika beliau masuk dengan kemenangan gemilang itu ke dalam kota Mekah, demi melihat orang-orang yang dahulu memusuhinya telah tegak meminggir ke tepi jalan, melapangkan jalan buat dilaluinya, beliau tundukkan kepalanya ke tanah, merendahkan diri kepada Allah, sehinggal hampir terkulai ke bawah kenderaannya unta tua yang bernama Qashwa, yang dengan itu dia berangkat sembunyi-sembunyi meninggalkan negeri yang dicintainya itu dahulu, dan dengan unta itu pula dia masuk ke sana kembali sebagai penakluk lapan tahun kemudian."

Mashaallah. Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.

How would anyone could be that humble? Dia SAWdihina, ditohmah, dicerca, dibaling dengan najis, dikatakan sihir dan gila dan pelbagai macam fitnah dari yang paling rapat dan yang tak langsung dikenali. Dia SAW diberi kejayan... 'berduyun-duyun' dan dengan unta yang sama yang ditungganginya semasa berhijrah ke Madinah. Astaghfirullahalazim, dugaan dia SAW terlampau melampau, and I bet all he wanted was success and the facts that people know his truth.  And yet, he SAW bowed sehingga hampir terkulai. Subhanallah.

My hubby and I are fighting in our battlefield. We believe that truth will be prevails and Allah is with us. Ameen Ya Rabbalalameen. Please pray for our success.

Though we are convince we will win, by reading this tafsir, I was a bit touched. I have set my mind straight that we are going to win this battle and we are going to prove that we are not wrong. We wanted the other party to realize how wrong, snobbish and arrogant they have been. With that in mind, I've pictured it vividly in my mind our victory pose!!!!

Astaghfirullahhalazim.... and tell me, bila baca that paragraph I quoted above, who won't be crying of guilt???? and crying for being betapa mulianya Nabi SAW bila diberi kemenangan yang gah sebegitu. Kita ni, baru sikit dugaan, bari sejemput Allah bukak jalan mcm nak menang tapi tak menang lagi, terus berangan lupa diri. Sebab tu, dalam ayat akhir surah ni, Allah kasi peringat... ingat Allah, bertasbihlah dan bertaubatlah. ASTAGHFIRULLAHHALAZIM... ... siapa  kita ni nak deny ayat Allah????????? Dia yang Cipta kita,Dia tahu segala apa yang terdetik dalam hati kita dan yang akan terdetik dalam otak kita ni!
....

More about the surah,

"Dan tersebut juga dalam catatan riwayat bahawa beberapa orang sahabat yang utama, seperti Abu Bakar, Umar dan Abbas mengerti juga akan isyarat di balik surah ini. Kerana mereka yang mengerti bahasa Arab, bahasa mereka sendiri, tahulah bayangan kata kalau pertolongan telah datang dan kemenangan telah tercapai, ertinya tugas telah selesai"

speechless!!!

Friends, kita cakap kita sayang Nabi SAW. Kita cakap kita kasih akan dia. Tapi, susah betul kita nak ikut setiap satu sunnah dia. Alasan kita, sebab dia tu nabi.

Ye betul, dia Nabi SAW...

Tapi, manusia itu lah yang jadikan asbab sampai Islam dekat kita.
I miss him SAW. I cried for I miss him so much. Kita semua hutang nyawa dekat dia dan para sahabat.

I am lost for words.

Jom, kita simpan niat... tak dapat buat semua, kita try sikit2 ikut sunnah dan saranan dia. Start with Islam in mudah... jangan disusahkan.. jangan biar orang perlekehkan kita sebab agama kita. Tak sedih ke kita... ada pemimpin kekasih Allah yang teramat mulia begitu tinggi adab pekerti... turun kat kita dan bawah2... orang buat gelak buat lawak agama kita sebab kita... lagi sedih, kekadang kita sendiri buat lawak buat perlekeh agama kita.... Astaghfirullahhalazim.
.....

Ok, bila citer bab agama ni, I'm in no position to say anything but purely my opinion. But what I want to share in this post... jom rasa indah bercinta dengan kekasih Allah, Rasullullah SAW. Jom selawat bebanyak atas dia. Jom ikut apa yang dia pesan. Jom jangan perlekehkan apa yang dia tinggalkan.



Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.
Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.
Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.










Friday, September 8, 2017

two sides of a story

husnuzon!
itu yang Allah suruh, itu yang Nabi SAW promote - bersangka baik.
but then again, as i tapped on the FB icon on my phone, reading the shared stories about the current issues and all, it has always been a struggle to think positive and justify why one did what one did!
it's beyond thinking.
..
pagi ni, bukak je FB, nampak citer si Siti Kassim was telling the media that korban binatang perbuatan tidak bermoral!
hmm..cik Siti oi cik Siti...

i'm not gonna personally attacked her though i was like 'agghhhhhhhhhh'
i didn't know her in person, and all i knew was thru the social media on how chaotic she could be.
the best is to pray for her hidayah.
orang macam dia and those in Sister-In-Islam ni sebenarnya kesian...
dalam Quran, Allah ada cakap, kalau dunia yang kita dambakan bermati-matian, dunialah yang kita dapat.... Allah bagi lagi dan lagi dan lagi tak putus-putus...
doalah moga diberi hidayah, yang hidup bukan kekal di dunia! siap2kan lah bekal untuk kehidupan kekal nanti..

ok, enough about her and her mind.
it's definitely beyond any sane thinking!
...
i want to talk about husnuzon!
if we read any motivational books by the successful western psychologist, one thing for sure is how to train our mind to be positive in order to succeed in anything we want to achieve.

too bad, the westerners yang dok promote benda ni yang diangkat naik namanya bilamana 1400 yrs ago, our beloved Rasullullah SAW had been preaching about it over and over and over and over..just to ensure that the ummah his leading is the successful ummah!

husnuzon - bersangka baik in Islam is exactly the same interpretation of think positive by the westerners.

mungkin benar Siti Kassim itu suka-suka nak keluarkan 'fatwa' dia sendiri tentang hukum-hakam agama, tapi mungkin juga media yang mensensasikan cerita untuk mendapat like and share yang paling banyak.

memang jelas CCTV yang memaparkan gambar lelaki berjambang berkopiah tanpa segan-silu mengorek duit tabung masjid tanpa izin, tapi mungkin juga dia sudah mencuba mengadu nasib dengan pihak masjid dan masyarakat setempat tapi tidak diendahkan dan keterpaksaannya antara hidup dan mati menyebabkan dia mengambil keputusan berburuk perangai begitu.

si ibu yang menanti anaknya di hadapan kedai itu hanya memasamkan muka bila kita berniat bersedekah dengan senyuman dan salam. senyum tak berbalas, salam tak berjawab. jangan tuduh dia sombong, mungkin dia ada masalah pendengaran dan tidak tahu yang senyum yang kita lemparkan untuknya.

ada kawan menjemput kawan yang lain singgah ke rumah untuk sesi makan-makan, tetapi kita dipinggirkan tanpa mendapat jemputan. so, they are now allying against us! nope! stop  it! it may not be true. perhaps the other friend was around the area and happened to bump into the host and got herself invited for a quick cookies and tea.


for whatever, husnuzon.
wallahualam - dan semua itu Allah yang tahu.

takut nanti, bila kita buat assumption, asal timbul fitnah datang dari kita. nauzubillahhuminzalik.
sudahlah jatuh hukum kita memfitnah, ada pulak orang yang berkongsi cerita di zaman viral ini. yang difitnah diberi hidayah, diampun dosa, kita yang tak pernah tinggal solat tahjud setiap malam terkontang-kanting memikirkan mana hilang pahala amalan yang tak putus itu. ish, ruginya!
...
bersangka baik!

the pros are way too many as compared to the cons.
kita tak sakit hati
kita tenang
kita tak buat dosa

sometimes, not knowing is better than wanted to know everything.

kita ni, manusia, tak boleh lari dari membuat dosa.
tapi, usah dicari dosa yang memang sedia menunggu untuk dibuat.
...
nak kaya, husnuzon
nak senang, husnuzon
nak pahala, husnuzon

it's all in our mind
it's reflect in our heart
it's acted out in our action

think positive and you are winning.
insyaallah.
 




Thursday, August 31, 2017

Tears

Tonight was one of those days - i called it my 'blocked' day.
The day when the ears were badly blocked and I couldn't hear almost anything but noise.
Tonight was one of those days
... the day when the boys would take charge being the mediator between me and ghe mamak because i could hardly hear what the mamak was saying in order to verify our order.
...the day when the kids were saying something and I couldn't hear them clearly and they had to raise their voice and i had to raise mine.
...the day when people kept on repeating what they said and i kept on asking 'apa dia?' and end up either the other person would give up or i would.
...the day i would shed my tears, the most.
...the day when i admitted i am deaf amd couldn't hear and people would just think 'how convenient!'

Malu sebenarnya nak menangis.
Malu kat Allah Yang As Samii
He has given me so much!
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't go through the chemo, radio, weight loss, blood transfusion and so many more.
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't look for Him yet or maybe not at all.
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't be able to stay idle and read thru the quran app and all the ceramah and all.
And tonight, I cry for the blocked ears!!! Just for that when He had given me so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sangat malu
But i know. Dalam surah almulk, ada ayat: waasirru qaulakum awijharu bih; innahu aalimu bizatis sudur - dan tuturlah perkataanmu dengan perlahan atau dengan nyaring, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa di dadamu (Quran 67:13).
He Knows.

I cried for I wish I could have my 'normal' hearing like I used to have.
I cried for I know I am still here with my new 'normal' and I am in a better place.
I cried for I feel the love when my boys gave me the sympathy look trying to tell me "it's ok mama, we know you didn't hear us and we are sorry for making you scream at us"
I cried for I want things to get better but I guess it worsen than any better.
I cried for I am guilty - tak bersyukur.. and so I pray.

Ya Allah, ampunkan hamba hina ini. Berikan aku banyak sabar dan lebih banyak bersyukur.
Jangan golongkan aku dalam golongan mereka yang tak mensyukuri nikmatMu... dalam setiap tangisku, hadir doa memohon ampun meminta redhaMu Ya Allah.



The picture was one of those chemo seasion taken in Dec 2013. I was 'healthy', but fact was the drug made me look chubby. It was called the mooning effect!

This was the drug that killed every bad and good cells in my body. It kills!!

Monday, August 28, 2017

2 minggu lagi

my dear Aidan,

I knew it's been hard for the past these few weeks... i've stretched you out to your max, and you still surviving and allow me to do so..
what an obedience soleh son you've always been, and you will be..ameen.
at times me joting this, i've just completed list of kata kerja for your BM UPSR preparation... it's less than two weeks and i'm all panicked and nervous.
and there you were, following every instructions that i asked you - kalau study, studylah awak, kalau makan, makan lah awak, kalau rest, rest lah awak...
for whatever, please know, i have some guilt feelings for being such a nazi mom at these moments.

you have always been one smart boy. and BM is a struggle.
trust me dear, when i was 12, i didn't even know the different between mengintip and menghendap when i was 12..in fact, i am 40 and i just confirmed my understanding on those words so that i can explain to you.
fact is, it's not just your struggle.

sayang mama Aidan, you are worried and i know. there were sleepness nights that you went through and it wasn't easy. you told me, you couldn't sleep. you told me you can't promise the straight 6As. i shut you off.. i told you i believe you could - coz i'm your mama and i will always believe.

sayang, you will get that A and ace. please know, your effort has scored you big time. and that my dear, is all the As you have secured!





...
and dear mr minister MOE,

what were you thinking with all this KBATs and HOTs? these innocent children are only 12? they started to learn and read when they are 6. no body, even you, speak the KBAT language. and how would you expect them to catch up in less than 5 years? and how could you be so sane to think that every single child is lucky and brainy enough to conquer all the KBATs topics you people are suggesting?

end up,
you make a child hate learning.
you make a child disobeying their parents.
you make a child hate the parents.
you make a child clueless for not knowing the purpose of them need to know the word iram-iram
you make a chile no sense

why did you decide to ruin these beautiful naive anugerah?
...

mama is ranting.
that's the best, for now.

my dear children,
let's have faith...
usaha, doa, tawakal.