Sebab sayang

 I, finally, loss it! Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal

…

It’s not fair. I just want Ramadan to come back, The month where the devils are all locked up. The month of the gates of heavens are wide open. I want it back. I want it for the rest of my living life.

The least, I found peace in it.

I lost it yesteday, and still not winning at times me writing this post.

I was all teary when Aimar was leading the Maghrib prayer. I broke down. As I tried to stay compose when I be the imam for Aivey during Isya’, I was still crying. And I am still teary as I am typing this post.

This is waaaayyyy toooooo much! C’mon! I have been so peaceful during Ramadan, not missing anybody or anything. I went thru Ramadan in peace. I was committed with the nawafils and other sunnah prayers. I was commited in spreading knowledge, as much as gaining it. I was commited in giving sadaqa & charity. I was commited in not sharing too much in the social

media. I was committed. Alhamdulillah 

Yesterday, on the third raya, I lost it! 

…

My raya greetings wasn’t been replied. She didn’t ask how I was. And there was my mom, telling how much ‘baraka’ her youngest daughter earned from her career, as if implying how useless I was.

I lost it there. I lost it when I ‘implied’ when I shouldn’t have!

…

I wasn’t mad at my mom. 

I wasn’t mad at my sister and the clan. 

I just miss them.

At my best, I have done what I deem is right. 

But I guess, I was nobody significant that they could have care less. 

I just hate the way shaytan put it in my heart.

I lost it.

I cried when Abang asked ‘naper, mje?’

“setan tu jahat kan, bang? i miss them! i miss my childhood”

and that was it. I was crying like a small child, while all three of my children witnessed the fragility in their mama.

I lost it!

Abang was empathetic. So did my children.

Yet, after seven years, I guess they’ve run out of consoling words.

“Mje ingat mje dah okay dah. Mje dah stop nangis. Mje dah stop pikir. Sebulan  puasa kali ni, sikit pun mje

tak doa for things to get back to where it used to be. Things won’t. Mje ingat mje dah redha, dah terima apa yang Allah dah takdirkan.”

Tapi, semalam dan hari ni, I lost it for nothing! 

‘Yup, setan memang setan! Tapi, Mje masih ada Allah. mengadulah dekat Dia, mcm yang Mje biasa buat, istiqomah lepas 7 tahun. Buatlah, walau mungkin mkn belasan atau puluhan tahun.’

…

And here I am. Still crying.

Malam Layl Qadr

 I don’t understand human.

malay muslim human, especially.

hari ni dah 28 Ramadan.

dalam sibuk asyik kebanyakan umat menanti 10 malam terakhir Ramadan, masih ramai yang mahu berteka-teki.

‘Semalam malam layl qadr kan? Boleh rasa bangun pagi aura sejuk‘

‘Dua malam lepas malam layl qadr kan? Hujan levat malam tu!’

‘Hadis cakap malam 27 lah mlm layl qadr!!’

Allahu akbar ~ sahabat nabi SAW bukan sorang dua.  Banyak hadis bagitau mlm 21, mlm 23, mlm 27 dan sebagainya. Yang confirmnya, hadis Nabi SAW datang pada sahabah, dan ada dua orang sedang bertelingkah mempersoalkan bila datangnya malam layl qadr. Lepas tu Rasulullah SAW cakap, ‘aku datang kat korang ni sebab nak bagitau lah bila. cumanya, bila korang dah bertegang urat kejap ni, aku terus dilupakan bila malamnya! at least, ianya di 10 malam terakhir Ramadan!’

puff!! camtu je Allah nak setelkan sifat manusia  yang suka nak percaya apa yang dia teka… last2, semua tak mendapat. Alhamdulillah, ada hikmahnya dari ArRahiim.

Yang confirmnya, Nabi SAW banyak beramal in the last 10 days.

Sayyidatina Ayshah RAh ada menyampaikan, Rasulullah SAW bersungguh-sungguh (dalam beribadah) pada sepuluh yang terakhir (dari bulan Ramadhan) melebihi ibadah Baginda pada (hari-hari) selainnya.”

Tips pun Rasulullah SAW dah kabo ~ all out je lah the last 10 Ramadan tu! Tak rugi mana pun… confirm dalam 10, 1 mengena!!! Yang korang sibuk nak berteka-teki mlm semalam, mlm tadi, mlm lusa dah kenapa????? Korang ingat malam lain, malaikat catit amal tu cuti MC sokmo ke????

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Maaflah.. acik bebel sebab cinta gak ni!

Cinta kat semua dan cinta nak tarbiah semua ~ cuma masih belum berkesempatan sebab tingat Rasulullah SAW pesan, kalau takleh nak cakap bebaik, senyap! 

dush!

Far far away from home

Sometimes, I wonder if the decision to allow Aivey to go to MRSM allllll the way in Pengkalan Hulu is a right decision. 

...

After nearing a month, Aivey came back from the hostel yesterday. 

She has been asking if we are sending her off or will she take the bus back to hostel. 

We have paid the bus, it's more valid, for now. 

But then again, deep down, I knew I wanted to send her off. 

For I know, that is what she wanted. 

...

She is a good daughter. 

Being away from home is one. 

Being away far far away from home, is another. 

Being away in a 'foreign' place and putting so much effort to adapt is another thing on top of everything. 

Things aren't easy. 

I knew it. 

I was there. 

I was away from home at the age of 16 ~ all the way in Perlis. 

Somehow, I took up the challenge. 

I was informed that was among the best school at that time. 

I was told I could excel if I were to go there. 

I was inspired to be what my dear abah & mama wanted me to be, a doctor or an engineer or a lawyer, and so I have to go there! It was supposed to be a stepping stone for me to excel. 

Indeed, I went away from home. 

And I went further after that. 

At the age of 18, less that I knew, I was million miles away from home. 

From Perlis to Wales. 

Loooongggg way to go. 

...

So, I have some reservation for Aivey being away from home. 

She's only 13.

and I still pray that she got the nearby SBPs. 

who knows, I would keep on asking Allah for I believe in Him. 

When He says kun, fayakun!

...

I'll talk about the homesickness in my next post, Inshaallah

Recap sebulan lebih...

yada yada

life goes on

...

it has been busy, it has been ups and downs. 

Aivey went to MRSM ~ tak dapat SBP first intake, and Mama is still hopeful, ameen. 

will talk about it nanti, Inshaallah. 

...

Aimar is in panic mode ~ SPM tak sampai baper bulan je lagi. 

Still catching up with his not so strong subjects ~ bio, sejarah, bm and PAI. 

PAI???????

seriously???? 

Alhamdulillah ~ he shared the list of top students in Kemaman. 

He was the 30th. Alhamdulillah. 

Tapi, sebab ada kawan dia jauh tinggal dia, Mama doa jadi motivation dia nak kejar kekawan dia tu. 

Mana tau, ada rezeki, dpt student ulul albab IKEM, ameen. 

...

Aidan is busy with visa application. 

Mashaallah... dah nak ready gi France dah dia, ameen. 

Mama lak in panic mode. 

Tahun depan, takde rezeki Aidan nak bukak posa sama kat Mesia ni, inshaallah. 

...

Subhanallah

Alhamdulillah

Allahuakbar

Banyaknya rezeki baik-baik Allah bagi kat kami semua. 

Hinanya mama kalau masih lupa nak bersujud lama, bersyukur atas cinta yang Allah dah bagi kat kita anak-beranak. 

Semoga bermanfaat adanya. 

Cinta berpada-pada

Terasa nak sambung baca buku Destination Jannah. compilation of talks from The Straight Path Convention series 1. 

Terbaca satu hadis..

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Love whom you love mildly, perhaps he will become hateful to you someday. Hate whom you hate mildly, perhaps he will become your beloved someday.”

Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1997

...

Menarik ~ kalau untuk orang Melayu, kita dah biasa dengan pepatah, 'nak bercinta, berpada-pada; membenci, jangan sekali'

Kalau masa 'jahil' dulu, bercakap tengan cinta ni, mesti relate cinta lelaki-perempuan, pakwe-makwe... memang takdelah terfikir cinta 'halal' suami-isteri, atau cinta pada sesama bangsa, kaum dan jantina, cinta pada negara, cinta pada segalanya. 

So, kita fokus pasal cinta pada manusia dalam konteks posting ni ~ to be specific, pasal cinta pakwe-makwe. 

...

Mama tak suka cerita benda yang tak patut dikenang dan diceritakan. But I guess, at some point, it would be of good use to share with others what I've experience so that you would take admonition and benefit the lesson learned from it. 

I was once young, and soaked in what I thought ' true love'. Not once, not twice..yup, thrice. To some extent, I got overboard. I would say I was then fool ~ but as I reflected back, I am taking my blame for not sticking to my five days prayers obediently. And, I got drowned away with lust!

The people around me encouraged me in some ways. Not blaming them, neither. Yet, it would help if I would have sticked to the right circle. 

Allah knows. 

Of course, if I could turned back time, I would want to erase that 'evil' part of me. But I guess, that's how I grew up, and grew out of it ~ understand myself better, and appreciate the love I have today, Alhamdulillah, Definitely the mercy of Allah, Alhamdulillah. 

So, kids, I'm not stoping you for being in love. Love is always beautiful, especially when it is for the sake of Allah. Just do remember, we are human, and we keep 'forgetting' to remind ourselves, for the sake of Allah. In returns, we got steered away. 

If I would want to share my fair share, I would have not say, bercintalah berpada... I would tell you to learn to love Allah and do everything for the sake of Allah. He will guide you. Should you still struggle with getting closer to Allah, hold it first.. hold the love that your heart rush in to! It's ok, it shall wait.. love (for the creation) waits! Put you priority... Yourself!

Cinta diri

Lepas satu-satu ni'mat Allah bagi.. 
Subhanallah... rasa bercamput-baur... Patutlah hadis Rasulullah SAW ajar, kalau Allah bagi nikmat, alhamdulillah.. kalau dapat musibah pun, Alhamdulillah. 

Tadi, jumpa Rozi, dia share UNAK cakap... bersyukur.. we can only be patience when we are thankful & grateful. 

...

Melimpah-limpah ni'mat Allah bagi kat kami.. especially minggu akhir January baru ni.. 

Dengan Aivey dapat masuk MRSM.. and trying her best to prove to Mama and Aboh yang dia memang dah ready nak masuk asram .. semangat pakai her savings to buy a rug and an alarm clock from Kaison. I am definitely proud of her, Alhamdulillah. 

Lepas tu, 25hb baru ni, Aimar lak share video dia khatam 30 juz... Alhamdulillah... Mama rebah, sujud syukur terus bila dapat perkhabaran. Allahu Akbar.. 

Baiknya Allah.

Lepas tu, Aidan pulak, dalam Mama risau French DELF dia tak lepas ~ Alhamdulillah, he scored 93% and I am impressed. Alhamdulillah... 

Yup, banyak mama nak sembang, berpesan-pesan kat anak-anak untuk jangan berhenti dalam bersyukur... tapi, nak tulis sekarang ni ~ mcm tak logik.. banyak pending belajar KIU dengan Steps To Jannah punya module.. banyak ketinggalan.. kena fokus tu dulu. 

Cumanya, masa Mama bukak blog post ni, jiwa tengah serabut.. tengah 'marah' sebab orang dok blame orang lain for one's lacking... anak tak perform, salahkan sekolah... result tak cemerlang, salahkan kawan... 

Fact is, semua ada hikmah. Kalau sungguh kena cari salah, faham konsep cari salah tu ~ dalam Quran, bila Allah tuju label 'orang-orang yang zalim'.. jangan sedap nak pinpoint kat orang lain... banyak label orang yang zalim tu untuk kita sendiri ~ kita yang zalim pada diri sendiri... kita tahu benda tak betul, kita biarkan sebab nak jaga hati.. kita tahu benda salah, kita buat-buat senyap sebab takde kait-mengait ngan kita... kita tahu benda maksiat, kita masih teruskan bermaksiat sebab 'tugas dan tanggungjawab'.. tugas apa? tanggungjawab pada sapa????? 

Lesson learned is not finding other's fault. An effective lesson learned is to recognize our own fault, be mindful not to repeat it again. Stop blaming others for our own lackings. 

Cinta, suratan atau kebetulan

Suratan atau kebetulan???

...

Terus terngiang-ngiang bait-bait lirik...

Sesuatu yang tak disangka

Seringkali mendatangi kita

Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan

Atau sekadar satu kebetulan 

hahaha ~ don't tell me you don't sing-along... Kalau tak tahu cammana lagu tu, gi google kat youtube or spotify... lagu zaman mama... 

Well, how much life has changes ~ la ni, nak sebut 'search' could be a confusing one instead of the word 'go google'.... 

...

Back to Suratan atau Kebutaln ~ Mama baru register untuk sem 5 KIU, Alhamdulillah... ada 6 subject, and subject wajib Fiqh belajar pasala munakahat. Subhanallah... cantik je timing Allah nak bagi ilmu..... dok beragan nak bercerita tentang cinta, tup tup, Allah suruh belajar baru sembang. 

Something that we, human and hambaNya, selalu lupa walau dok ulang-ulang Nabi SAW pesan ~ jangan main suka-suka nak menipu atas nama Allah.. menipu dalam konteks, cakap tanpa ilmu. Astaghfirullah, ampunkan kami Ya Allah. 

Allahu musta'an, May Allah helps, may Allah guides, allahumma ameen.

...

Talking about suratan atau kebetulan ~ I guess, I need to share some words of 'wisdom' yang tak wisdom mana pun.. but, just a casual talk that I would tell Aidan, Aimar & Aivey. 

It's not fair for me to say - jangan bercinta... kahwin je terus. 

Sebab, cinta tu 'pelik'... dia datang 'tiba-tiba'..

Kalau tetibe, tak habis belajar, tak mampu nak sara hidup sendiri pun lagi.. nak kahwin, dah apa barang, kan???

...

Well, kalau dulu, mama maybe wouldn't resist korang bercinta.. Mama akan pesan, 'jaga adab', 'jaga agama'... but I won't say jangan bercinta. 

I might sound selfish. 

But, I'll just say it out ~ if I were to be asked to say it, now, mama akan pesan , "elak dari bercinta, tak perlu nak amik sangat konsep 'nak kenal dulu'.. kalau dah macam suka, istikharah, lepas tu, kahwin... kalau lepas istikharah, mcm berat hati je nak kawin, don't waste your time... even worst, jangan tambah dosa maksiat.!'

Yup, I'm not sure I will be that strong to apply that concept masa muda dulu. 

Ujian bercinta masa muda ni memang 'lain' sebab syaitan memang kaw-kaw buat kasik feeling, kasik best, kasik syok bercinta cara haram ni... pastu, bila kawin, dah takde 'flick', tak ngam..nak gaduh sokmo 24-7.....

I'm not going to elaborate more on this, in this posting.

What I want to say is that, nak tips bahagia, bukan takat di dunia ~ kekal sampai akhirat.. Buat semua sebab Allah. Mintak tolong Allah. Allah tak pernah aniya sesapa. Dia paling suka hamba yang sentiasa meminta-minta dari Dia. Mintalah Dia pandu kita. Minta Dia jaga kita. 

...

Betul, bila bercinta, semua seronok. 

Gi jejalan sesama. 

Buat surprise sesama. 

Celebrate memacam, makan and spend masa sesama. 

Asyiiiikkkkkkkk, orang kata. 

Tapi, kalau benda kita buat, LillahiTaala, lagi lagi lagi lagi lagi asyiiikkkkkkkk ~ trust me! it's true.