Wednesday, March 31, 2010


there's so many romantic songs and poems that could describes how insanely in love i am to my dear hubby... i can just googled and posted the most romantic rhymes that reflects my love to him.. but i guess, for this special day, i'll just blurt out what i feel like saying..

for him, my dear soulmate, even without this posting, he knew i love him so.. madly, deeply, truly.

the bestfriend who i could confide, whenever wherever
the soulmate who understands, though you may not approve them
the hubby who knows his responsibilities, and I am the proud wife
the father who loves his kids, to death
the lecturer who talks, when he thinks he has to
the decision-maker who fair enough, and overwrite my answers (pss..did u know that sometime I purposely give the wrong answer so that you’ll follow the doesn’t break my ego, and definitely boost yours)
the bathroom cleaner, and yes, you clean it tip-top
the handy-man who is so handy, and everything seems helpless without you around
the smart-genius, I don’t have to elobrate.. you are
the high-earners, just because your wife spend all her income and yours too..
the juan de marco in disguise.. ahh… i'll let the readers wonder..
dear, i love you yesterday, i love you today and i sure will love you tomorrow. whenever, wherever, however, whatever, i keep thanking God for giving me that seconds in my life to realize how special you are to me, and to let us be together as one. i can't lie that there's no time that i was hurt by your words or acts, but i'm sure these are mutuals. our love so strong that all the "agghhh, are you mad?" just buried away. when you first came into my heart, i was grateful, smiling away, believing an angel has come to save me from that evil devil from hell.. you are still my angel. i need you then, i need you now, and i still need you tomorrow. i want you forever, so, be sure to be there a seconds a head. i can't imagine life without you, and i don't have to. our love so true, make us stronger than we could imagine.

abang, it's been ten years, and many more to come.. happy anniversary my dearest boyfriend..  

Monday, March 29, 2010

not without my sister

after a week, i finally finished the book - not without my sister written by kristina, celeste & juliana.. i don't know where do i start with the book review. it's too real to be true. i have mixed feelings reading the book. first, it was unbelievable. then, there were anger. next, i felt so depressed.. it's everything... i'm not into summarizing what's the story all about..but, the fact that this is a true story make it worst..nope.. the language is ok, the storyline is fine.. it's the true story that make it so true to believe. if the statement of true story is not there, i would say the book is so real to be true.. i would have love should be that way.. it should stay as a fiction, non-reality, bombastic is not supposed to be a true story. and as these are true stories, true people, true hearts, true families... and to make it worst, it happen few years back, and might still happen around the world.. i find it very very disturbing. i was so depressed trying hard to complete the book. a friend of mine suggested to just throw out the book, but how could i... how could i just tossed it out when i was half way through..

it is beyond thinking. it is too much to digest. it is too depressing.. imagine this: completing the book is such a torturing moment and way too depressing to me.. how did they do it? how did the girls manage to survive? and am not suprised that so many life decided to opt for death... it is unbearable.

Friday, March 26, 2010

a phone call away

gosh.. i miss him.. or maybe i miss talking to him.. or maybe i miss talking to any adults.. or maybe, simply maybe.. i truly miss my bestest bestfriend.. my dearest hubby...

i'm not sure what got into me this week. i was working hard, out of normality. i went and met customers, and was full of satisfaction..but work still sucks.. big time.. which made me think i really don't need all these stress and issues to deal with.. i can always tender, and scout for any jobs .. my earnings not that much that i need to be all stress out..

but i was. especially yesterday. and i need him the most.

with a one-liner email asking him to call, he rang around midnight.. the incoming number prompted +60301 on the screen lighten me up, a bit. then, i heard his voice, and there it goes.. i forgot to tell him what i was so stressed about.. listening to that soothing voice of him, listening the conversation between himself and the boys soothed me.. they talked about everything.. my elder did asked me to call his dad the day before.. i said we couldn't.. it's gonna be so expensive and we will be disturbing his dad working time.. and so, he asked his dad.. why is it cheaper for him to call home instead of us calling him.. agghh... he missed his dad too.. so much, indeed..

he has to called in three times yesterday.. the line went dead twice. but that does not matter.. what matter is, i miss him.

we miss him.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

let's talk about sex, baby

news headlines today "government is planning to have sex education in school".. one of the reason is because there's so many cases of babies' dead-bodies disposals... hmm...

it was twelve years ago when i heard kids as young as eight years old has were taught about sex education in schools - i was in UK back then. of course, back then, i do not have kids of my own, and i was in no position to comment whether it was a good or bad move.. as it was ok with the culture for teenagers to get pregnant by accident, baby disposals were not the case.. they can opt to proceed with pregnancy if abortion is not what they want.

and this morning, listening to the radio, i'm wondering if sex education would really help. our educational system has a lot of deficiencies - be it lacking of resources, not enough manpower and still searching and grabbing towards the light to find the good modules for the best education they can offer.. math in english and not, smart schools (and leave others being non-smart) and advanced program.. and that do not include the issues about teachers are not around because half of them are down on maternity leave and another half are taking some courses, during school terms...

and now, they want to impose sex education at school...

enough, i would say.. leave the sex at home. the problem with the westerners are their kids are exposed to sex all-round 24-7.. being a malaysian, i doubt we have that issues.. yes, they were kissing acts on the TVs, and my son keep asking me "why is the girl not wearing any clothes?" (and nope, that was not a scene from a porn movie, it was yesterday's sitcom that i decided to watch).. but as we are all aware, back in malaysia, though the TV channels are now more than the basic three channels, i still don't see that as the major factor that are exposing the youngsters to sex. and even it is, do we really need the government to implement the sex education at school...

part of life is sex. and another part of parenting is educating about life. we have young teacher graduates who barely have a husband that most probably teaching our kids about sex. government would definitely need to spend money (to their croonies..ooppss) for consultation and spend time in structuring the modules... and worst still, the consultant is a westerners, just because they have sex education back in their home - which is totally not suited to our cultures!..

i would say leave the sex at home! if an education is really needed, give it to the parents.. not the kids.. teach the parents how can they convey things to their kids.. when do they start.. how open minded should they be.. spend it on the parents, if really needed... leave the education fund for educating the kids about things, minus the sex. sex is not only showing pictures... it's about life education.. if they must spend it, then, spend on education rather than sex..

and parents - come on, do you really think teachers would do a better job instead of yourselves???.. think twice.  

Monday, March 22, 2010

actor in us

we are actually born with good acting skills.. our acts, our words, our thoughts.. all are written in a script we never knew that we have.. we've always been a good actor of ourself.

life is all about give and take. you give and you take. and you permit people to give and take from you. that sound so perfect. so, if people resists to give, why must you care to take, right? sometimes, you insists on people to give. and you take. and forgot that you must give back..(so that you can take back)... what's so difficult in understanding that?

we can never pick our family. family will always be the biggest takers.. they got money issue, they ask us for loan. they got image issue, they ask us for (free) consultation and to some extend we need to finance the make-over. they got friends issue, they ask us for ideas on how to ditch the friends.. they ask and ask and ask, and they take.. always that we forget we are also they.. part of family..

we can pick our friends. as we grew with time, we tend to lost many friends. still, those who stick by will always be our good loyal friends. we stick to the friendship because we don't mind giving, and we don't mind taking. like family, these friends are also families.. at least that's how we defined ourselves.

back to acting - giving & taking - we got confused. we want to stop giving just because we never take. as blood runs thicker than water, we can't just stop giving. we wish we don't have to take to those who never want to give. as God is Great, we can't predict what He has plan for us and we just have to ask to take no matter what no matter how. and there's where the acting skills come in. 

it just that; give and take should be mutual. and just sad when this fact was ignored... especially when the bond is there.

Friday, March 12, 2010

still the one

once a while, it is nice to be reminded how great to be loved and to be in love..of course with the love of your life la kan...

the path was not as rough as some people may have gone thru.. but, whenever she looked back, she keep thanking God for they found each other.

she could hardly remember the exact date and timing when was the first time they met.. her coursemate always mentioned his name.. she was sure of that she heard his name as early as two and half years before they met..when they met for the first time, he was just a friend of a friend. her coursemate was waiting for her in the car, and there he was, standing in front of the door (did not show any interest on her), waiting for her to put on her striking red Nike.. and she did not remember the details after that.. she vaguely remember; they were having their lunch at one of the 'ikap's' kebab shop at rusholme.. and that's all she remember; other details, she could hardly recall..

it was winter 1999. her family (minus her dad as he was engaged with special assignment back home) was in caingorm.. it was a lovely cottage that they've rented.. nope, he was not there.. and she knew she has few close friends in her phonebook that she could call up - to check whether it's gonna be raya or not the day after.. she called him.. her justification 'he's in london, so, he might get the news faster than anybody else'.. yarr rriigghtt... her assumption was not right..but that was the start.. when he said hello, she can feel the sparks..ouch.. 

her sister was indirectly the cupid. she (her sister) stayed back and decided that she (her sister) wanted to explore london like all tourist should do. yes, she could always called the students' hall for cheap hostel rate, she resorted to call him.. and, without realizing, there they were, on their way to euston, and he was there.. with that bulky greenish-greyish jacket and the 'chapman' green cap. he looked soooo like a chinaman came from the Chinatown.. and she was smiling.. her heart was jumping.. and that weekend, she could still replay it over and over in her mind.. three of them were having nice weekend.. photos everywhere.. the buckingham, the dome, the trafalgar square, the hyde park.. they went almost everywhere, and once a while there were occasion they 'accidently' brushed each others' hands and shoulders and she knew she's been electrocuted.. and she was loving it.. of course, that get-away, her sister was there, hanging around.. 

that was the start... he was supposed to be in a relationship with a girl he knew during summer, and she was supposed to be committed to her then-four-years-boyfriend. the (ex)girl of his: nothing much that can be talked about, but the (ex)boyfriend of hers: tough luck, there's a reason when the book says "never take things for granted"..

their relations merely through the lines, the free minutes call that the phone provider gave.. and mIRC, ICQ was so popular back then that they could hardly wait to be connected whenever they got the time.. occasionally, they would admit they misses each other, but the first three months purely get to know phase and they talked about everything and anything.. the third month, the easter break, he took the train to piccaddaly.. she has expected the trip, she didn't expected that he would call and said the train was strainded midway.. and it was a nice surprise when he was actually at the train station, and the made-up story about the stranded thingy was sweet.. and he brought 'sugar' (white fluffy teddy) with him..

ideally, he was supposed to stay over his mate's place.. it turned out differently.. and that night, Mar 30th 2000, they were an item.. didn't know about him, but she was on cloud nine.. he was all she wished for.. the look, the intelligence, the nice conversations and arguments they had, the romantic side of him, the extra scholar allowance in his bank..she was head over feet over him. 

and they were in love, madly, deeply. they were frequent travellers london-manchester. they had good dinners: kaka, khan's, new season, thais, indians, chinese... for a student who solely depend on the scholarship, he sure had spent a lot to her.. he brought her to paris.. learned french from McD menuboard (and they knew boisson was fish).. he bought her gifts.. the gold bracellet was sweet.. and what made it sweeter (or he dared), the bracellet was on an alien-doll (named Ali) creature that he put just on the pathway where people walked..she was stunned that Ali was meant for her.. he bought her flowers.. some for i was sorry, some was for no-occassion...the white bouquet he hid inside his wardrobe was nice gestures.. he cooked for her.. he stayed up all night, picking small white flowers to decorate the hand-made card he made for her... the getaways to birmingham, brighton.. the picked a stranger to prove he was telling the truth..and the list went on and on.. she did things too, but she recalled more on what he did rather than what she did.. and she always grateful.

ahhhhh.... all the nicest things happened when two people were in love.... 

of course there were hiccuped in their love story.. if not because of his believe to stay strong, they were long gone... and thinking back, she was sooooo thankful that he insisted to stay in the relation.. knowing him, he knew he can have anybody he wanted..especially not to stay with someone who was not loyal to his love... he chose her... and she wanted him to know she was soooo thankful.

six years ago, they tied the knot.  this march, they are celebrating their tenth anniversary since they were an item... their love stories go on.. only one her, only one him..

there were rough patches.. the careers, the kids, the i-wish-you-are-not-here, the why-can't-she-manage-the-house, the arguments, the chores, the time spent.. there were rough patches..

but as long as they believe, tolerate and keep reminding themselves of the love they once groom and now bloom.. they will still have each other.. there maybe less vocal "I LOVE YOUs", there maybe not much dedicated songs reminding them of each other, there maybe no handmade cards, there maybe few romantic dinners, there maybe not much gifts... but they know they still each other...she can still lay on his arm, and they can still have that long everything and anything conversation they used to have...

best thing is.. they now share their lives as they were blessed with the smart brilliant kids of theirs..

with prayers, InsyaAllah, they will be fine.. the love stays there, stronger than they can imagine.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

boys in my life

i want to feel good today.. and talking about two lovely boys of mine will always make me feel good..

this morning, as i was driving, on our way to aidan's school, aidan broke the silence.. the radio was playing the latest hits by Black, and aidan asked mama why is the artist named Black?.. it's too early in the day to explain all those teeny weeny details, so, i simply answered "maybe because that is what his friends call him"..but i meant to say was "because his complexion is not as fair as us".. but if i told him what i meant to say, i'm sure there'll be more questions that will be blurt out from his mouth.. so, prevention is always bettere than cure..

but to my own 'foolishness' (i may call me that, and only me can!), aidan replied "maybe because his clothes are black".. which, coincidently, whenever we saw Black on tc, he was wearing black clothing most of the time... and there we go.. why didn't i think of that answer earlier?...

and that is what we called nature vs nurture.. kids will never know the meaning of the words racist, sexist, chauvanist and all those harsh life assumptions... we, the parent, direct or indirectly, teach our kid to be one... 

which brought me to the short conversation that i had with aidan while i was driving back to kemaman... he was asking me what car should he buy when he grew up... i, trying to teach my kid the correct way, told him that he can choose his own car. and aidan told me he would want to buy "wira".. the so-called cheap, low quality national car.. and i overwrote his thoughts.. i said he should be a 'sport car'.. and he said ok.. but, added "i must sell the sport car when i got my own kids"... and he is only four years three months and two days old when he said these!

my boys - they grew up fast. aimar has discovered that talking is not boring. so, at the age of two years and five months, all he wanted to do is talk and talk and talk and talk.. it is difficult to understand him.. but, we learned.. aidan learned faster. he knew what adik was talking about.. as for me,i'm ok.. some words, i will try to understand, and if i don't, i will ask aimar to show or act.. sometimes, if we are lucky enough, we could understand what he is trying to say..

talking about aimar, i know he is one smart boy..just like his brother. he must be 'tougher' as compared to his abang.. but he is not thug. that is why, when people was so proud telling me that their kids were terrified of aimar, i take that personally... i, at first, show no emotion on that remarks..but as in times, when the statement being repeatedly told to the whole world, it ticked me off... why must people find it funny when their kids are scared of my son? and why must i not be defensive when people find it funny when their kids are scared of my son? aimar is the sweetest charming boy i've known.. if kids are scared of him, it's not his fault.. and people, IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!

aimar doesn't need sugar to be hyper.. he has enough sweetness that he can be hyper all the time.. but i'm ok with that.. once a while, i pinch him. most of the time, i pull his ears... i don't do that often to his brother when aidan was his age.. and, not because i love aidan more.. but, aimar knows i love him the same.. he still looks for me when he want to go to sleep.. he still needs this belly-button of mine, yes, his passion turns to habit which i am now trying to refrain him of doing so.. we are learning not to call him "adik"..nope - i don't have anything inside my belly, yet,..but he's a grown up now.. he shouldn't call himself adik.. 

agghhh... with the piles up works, with the angry customers calling, with justifications, annoyances and all those rotates.. with missing my dear hubby... thinking about the boys are refreshing.. miss them already..can't wait to meet them again.. in few hours time!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

did anyone know?

supposedly - she should be laughing out loud. her son is learning to read, and he is only four and half.
supposedly - she should be excited. her hubby said it's ok for him to wake up in the morning to send the family off for school, sitter and work. very unlikely of him,but it was great.
supposedly - she should cherished all the time spent together.
supposedly - relationship matures with times. the getting-to-know phase turn to i-expect-you-would-do-that-and-i-accept-that phase.

fact: she is sad. so sad. so very sad that she cried. (and there's nothing wrong with crying)
fact: once the birdie decided to get into the cage, being lured and pampered until it decided not to leave the cage even if the door is wide open, the owner wins all.
fact: in times, the courting stops, the caring so-so, the sharing means what-he-gives-you take-what-he-did-not-give-you-asked-for-it
fact: after a while, the sweet become tasteless and should we forgot, the tastelss could become sour
fact: people need enough sleeps

once a while, we stumbled. its God's agenda. once a while, we knew she would say what she said and she said within nanoseconds, without thinking and we knew she answered the fact. once a while, because she thought after all these years we understand her better, she forgot that we knew her so well that we don't want her to stay the same. but then, most of the time, we forgot on things she have done (when nobody was around except her and her kids), we get mad for things she did not do, we were furious on things she could have done but she did not.

once a while, she miss the "i'm sorry" occasions.

she just wish she didn't say what she said, so that she could give the answer to the ear. she just wish that we knew that one half hour to get ready for the day (and that is excluding good full complete make-up and ironing) and make-up for the kids is not enough, she would love the spare ten minutes on the couch when there's enough time, just to make up for the early morn rise. but she could only wish.

once a while, she miss the "i'm sorry" occasions.

dedicated to u

it was Feb 2004 when i first knew her. she was fair, 'free-hair', and speaks her mind out loud. that was my first impression. we didn't click straight away. she was not my lunch buddy. i didn't remember how we became close. i remember that i was invited for a lunch, a treat from our sales director, to celebrate her birthday - i was only two weeks old with the company, and i think it is cool if we got to have the fish-head curry everytime there were birthdays.. of course i found out she was very close with the sales director back then. that was my earliest memory i could remember... and now, after six years, those are ancient histories.

i don't remember how we could be close instantly.. but knowing her, sharing her thoughts, getting to know her opinions and feelings, we became close. if i were in primary school and the task was to write an essay that you admire most, i would write about her.. she reminds me the energetic yound blood during my mum's yesteryears.. and to add the drama on it, she's gone through so many things, that i would gave up on if it happened to me. started with a traumatised childhood, then she thought she was in love but then she was not (she was, but not to the right person), a single mother who had three miscarriages (but she is now blessed with that brainy lovely daughter of her), surviving the wild wild world all by herself.. agghh... she is a tough woman.. what made her tougher is that she still laugh and can make the people surroundings her laugh too.. it took a person with a special heart to do what she did..

she celebrated her fantabolous forty with style over the weekend.. she blew the candle in a microsecond that we thought she forgot to make her wish.. she said she did.. all she wishes for is for her to be happy.. and i wish for her to be happy too.. she deserves all the happiness and loves the she can have...

to this special woman, just want to let her know, if she ever thinks that she has made any (good) impact to anyone, she surely did to me. the steel heart , the strong will, the "God didn't test anyone if He thinks we can't face it" mantra, the positive notes, the been-there-done-that experiences, the fashionistas in her, the good sense of humour... she surely knew how to tell me to live the life..just because she's been there, without choice.

happy birthday dear.