Wednesday, June 30, 2010


i feel like writing this morning.. am listening to 'simbosis' song by ella and whenever i heard it, reminded me to the love of mine..

aku tak pandai mengarang puisi
tidak ku pandai bermadah berseni
satu kalimah yang ku seikhlas tahu
hanyalah kucinta padamu

and yes, there's so many love songs that reminded me to us.. 'Thank God I Found You', 'No One Else Comes Close' 'Larut' ' All the Small Things' and many more.... and now that he's away, i miss him.
we had 'minor arguments' few days before he left. and it didn't make me feel good..and i found out neither did him. of course, when we both realised how we've brought the time we had together to waste, we regret it.. i know i do. but then again, being a perfect human, we tend to do that.. to regret things later.

i was mad when he said i was overreacting. i was heartbroken when he accused me of putting less priority on the family. i was sad when he said i was lazy. i was anxious when he told me i gained weight. i was everything but good when he throw all those 'mean' remarks. 

when we kiss now and then, my foot didn't sprung up like the first kiss we had.. but am glad i had that experience with him when it did sprung.
when we cuddle now and then, i told him right away when once a while i felt the hugs suffocate me.. but am glad i always have his muscular arms to wrap me around when i really really need good hugs.
when we talk now and then, i sometimes shut him off just because i want to talk more than listening to him..but am glad he is all ears out for his chattybox.
when we make love now and then, i sometimes (very seldom) fake it like most women will do (note to men out there: we women do!).. but am glad that i don't remember the last time i have to fake it even once for the most sessions we had (ok, i need to stop here)

and by posting this out, i know he knew i mean well. to be fair...nope, to rationalize things, he has his point when he said what he said and when he did what he did.. i may not agree with him, i may not happy with his remarks, i may be so blardy mad ...

but he is always there for me. i know, for now, and for future insyaallah, he'll be there for me. because he loves me. as much as i love him. when either of us not in a mood or its the 'day of the month' or lack of sleeps that make us ticked off easily or the mood swings or be it for any reason and we just want to grumble and shut things off... the love we have for each other will reach out..

at this moment, when he's away, missing the family dinners, missing the 'wah, aidan can read better now', missing the 'aimar laughed instead of cried when he got choked', missing the counselling session when i need him to do that to me... i owe it to him. when there's so many boys out there that i knew who are very irresponsible, i want to know i keep thanking God for our jodoh.

and yes, i know i love you when i hate to see the bed is half empty. 
and yes, i know you love me too. 

Friday, June 25, 2010

time to repent

how can anybody sleep at night when they are fully aware that there are so many loose ends that need to be tighten?

we were supposed to get some food for lunch when we took a detour to the MNG store that was loud enough showing off their sale can we not stop by? it's a sin!.. and there it was, that nice RM189 gladiator shoes was on sale.. the one that my bff took was the brown one and the old price were slash and the sale price was RM89. how can i not buy? it's another sin!..  i queued just to find out that the shoe was RM40 more than the one in brown... because it's the black one.. the funny thing was, the price before the sale was the same for both brown and black shoe... how can MNG do that? it's a big big sin, right? right? right?

parenting is no easy job. it's a lifetime job. that is why my bff was telling me that she'll die if something bad happen to her only daughter. and i must agree with her... how can she live without her lovely daughter? it's a sin. and i blame myself when i realised that my son has yet to learn to read, fast and fluently. how can i let him all alone all this while and not coaching him properly? it's another sin. alas, blaming me not prioritising and putting my kids above all ... how can anybody have a heart to tell that off? it's a big big sin, right? right? right?

she was a good friend. really a good good friend. she has a problem, and i can't help from 'helping'. how can i not help a friend in trouble? it's a sin. somehow, the help offered was not the help that was favoured. how can i know that i was not helping? it's another sin. but, to ignore a good friend, a very good good friend, just doesn't equate in the bffs formula. how can we abandon a bff? how can a bff take advantage of us and leave? it's a big big sin, right?right?right?

called up the hrm, again. she was apologising.. the paperwork been piling up, from her desk to her boss's... all we have to do is wait..... and we've been waiting for the past two months!!!!!!!!that is a big big big sin.. and i know it is a big big big sin.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

and the sun will always rise in the morning

we take things for granted.. we keep reminding ourselves not to be complacent, but we always do. as a perfect human being, sadly, we will only realize that things slipped out and there's no such thing as time machine - alas, we end up with 'if only i didn't do that at the first place..'

when things happened, terrible horrible bad things happened, we felt sad instantenuously. the sadness can sometimes felt so deep that we cried our lungs out!
then, we regreted. we hated it so much for what had happened. we just wished things are the other way round.
next, we reflected. we tried to justify why things happened and why it happened to us and why that particular person did what she or he did to us....

it doesn't really matter. God is Great. It happens because once in our lifetime, when we were busy trying to be a perfect human being, we take things for granted. we did something to someone that made that someone sad, and made that someone regretted what they've done that triggered our act on them, and made that some reflected back.

only when it happen to us, we just wished we were not complacent enough to be aware that people as feelings. when the sun rise in the morning, we somehow forgot the sun is there, always for us.. coz it will always be there.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

must hate this place, i thought

down on memory lane, i hate this place, i thought.

story of my life -  was born and breed in the heart of kuala lumpur. it was just a big city back then, but it's a metropolitan nowadays... elevated highways, flyovers, towers, skyscrappers, monorails, lrts, klcc, pavilion, dp, zara, mng..ahh the list is endless. 

i was a spoilt brat. i had my lunches in McD every Friday after school. i was given a RM50 allowance per week, and at that time, that was way too much for me! my breakfast was can of coke and a bar of cadbury dairy milk choc. of course, i was smart back then. and with great result, i got the chance to be away from home. at fiften, i was sent to Paris, oppss, Perlis... and damn.... i still remember how impressed i was when i managed to count ten cars that passed by the hostel... and that was like after half hour! (ok, maybe a lil drama to add the spice).. but, the place was so isolated.but again, i was a spoilt brat, and having parents who happen to know people and teachers in the school, i got my way out to have my own kinda fun time - i got to go outings every weeks and extended my stays without being punished as much as others.. but of course, most of the times, my outings will extended up to kl instead of kangar town.
and upon completion, being blessed with good brain (alhamdullilah), got the offer to further up my studies away from home countries. of course, when i was given the option, i always wanted to go to USA - but not parents, and the cronism that my mum has backfired me this time - i have no choice but to opt for UK - Wales, Llantwit Major (could hardly pronounce them).. it was a nice small town, english country side.. but it was lovely.. and after two years, i was off to Manchester.. of course my first choice would be London, but I wasn't smart enough for them.

and after graduated, i was supposed to come back and work. of course, i met my hubby (my bf then) when we were in UK. and to cut the long story short, after four years, he has enough savings to marry me............and here come the story....
i was in doubt, always.. my hubby was the born and breed of kemaman boy. he did fine, in fact great, being raised by the good mother of him. when he graduated, being the Petronas scholar, he comfortably secured a good job with the company, in kerteh. and yes, when we got married, i need to find a job in kemaman-kerteh. finding a job was not hard - i've requested for transfer, and got relocated immediately.

i remember how much i hated this place. this small town sleeps at 6pm and close on weekends. i was so homesick. i need to be near my family who apprently have planned for so many happenings activities even when i was not around. i didn't have any friend - i still don't have much till today, but back then was bad! dinner time, we will be lost - every single night. and not forgotten - they don't speak human language!
at least, those are few memories i would have remember on my first year in kemaman. 

today, after four and half years (maybe), i'm reflecting back. they don't have starbuck (but they do now in kerteh), but the haipeng coffee is great.. and yes, they still close at 7pm despites of the customers still coming at 6:45pm. the keropok lekor at kuala kemaman is no way equivalent to keropok (tepung) lekor back in kl. yes, they have monsoon season that you need to be in the house 24-7, but somehow brings back the memory of rainy welsh weather. and, i still can't cope with the temperature when the 'summer' time arrives... true they don't have mng and zara, but i bought a nice dress for rm35 and wore it in spain and got compliments for the nice design.. my neighbours, they were the best.. they care about us, but still know their limits. ok, i still miss my friends, karaokes, good foods back in kl..then again, kl is just a drive away and i still survived. 

i still remember when i was the proud mother of aidan - he was three back then, and he speaks three languages : fish, ikan & ikang... he still speaks the language. i sucked big time speaking terengganu. somehow, i picked the language. cuek is not foreign to me. 

in ten days time, i will be back to kl, for good (at least, for the time being). i am so looking forward for the lunch trip at klcc, the shopping treat at pavillion - at least now, i won't be left behind with the new jargon such waterfall cardigans and so forth. the family is nearer, means i can just leave the boys and have my own time when i need to... the spa, the gym (chewah..angan..).. i, somehow, missed kl, and it feels good to be back. 

but, as i gave the cuppies to aidan's classmates, as a farewell treat, i tend to be melocholant. my heart was touched. i remember how kind mak wan, the boys babysitter, was to us. i remember how nice pok de, the trishaw cyclist that picked aidan from school, was to us. i remember how great my neighbours were. my heart was touched. 

the city girl in me should have hate this place very much.  but, the motherly wifey me sure will miss this place. never thought i would, but i already am.... kemaman is not bad y'all... not bad at all....  

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

wish upon the star

one day after June.. i was supposed to be hearing piece of good news yesterday. been bugging my baby sister for the news.. sadly, unfortunately, it is the same old story... the name is already in the system, but they can't release the invite yet. the package has yet to be confirmed... and it is taking forever... they said, sabar... if it meant to be, it meant to be.

i, humbly believe, am partly to be blame. i wished upon a star, the shining silly single star, of all the stars, i only eyed for that star - 'the' star. i've turned down a good star, a shining one. and still not bright enough for my collection. i still want that one, selectively, the only one. yet, the waiting is endless... all those promises, hopes are way too high. of sudden, it seems too far to reach. higher than the sky. me, still praying, still hoping. families, good bestest friends, still waiting. the star is there. has been there for the past one month. it has been reserved for me. but, i can't have my name engraved on it yet. they said, it's for the best. they said, it's beyond their control. they said, sabar... if it meant to be, it meant to be.

maybe, i wished so hard.. coincidently, maybe, i wished so hard that make it far apart.

but i may have done something very very wrong that i deserve what i deserve. and all i can do now is pray .. pray harder.

and still wishing upon the star

they said, sabar... if it meant to be, it meant to be.