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coming from an all-girls's school to the co-ed boarding school, i didn't get used to having boys around easily. to make it more dramatic, the boys-dominations were too strong that we could hardly do lots of things, and i did miss the freedom when i was at junior high. i was not the popular one. i tend to secretly admires boys from distance, as most of them were forbidden ones - either they were going out with others or they were admiring other girls. but of course, i was not that bad-looking. i may look not as classy as now, but i still have few admirers too. apparently, when i first heard the three letter word, though i could hardly understand the meaning at that point of time, i got goosebumped. to make it worst, i had to say no as the whole world (our world) knew that my good friend was madly in love with him. it was taboo to like him back, though, deep inside, i did. then, they was these two guys, who never directly confessed to me, but their actions made me blushed. the wooing sound everytime i passed, though somewhat annoying, did boost up my confidence. the secret notes on the tables wishing me a good day. those small remarks, may not be significant, but, as a girl, i was swooshed away. then, there was this boy across the class who he never stop staring at me. and after months of staring, he finally had the guts to tell me that he liked me. well, it lasted for a while until i decided to broke his heart..
then, there was college. i was a loyal girlfriend. i left my heart to this boy (who at point of writing this, i keep wishing he was dead, and i was not sorry) back in kl. i was miles away from home. i was young and restless. of course, i was not the popular one. i cried so hard as i missed my boyfriend back then. i saved money just to spend on long-distance calls. but, through out the times, there were attempts by others too. a five year senior who wrote me a long letter telling me how he was smitten by me (and i had to look up in the dictionary what smitten meant). there was also one time, when i was having my lunch at the msian student hall, a guy approached my table, handed me a piece of paper - his email add (sacarstically, at that time, the only email id i had was the general college add for public use). he was a bruneian, so i was an international preference, hahahaha. we were actually 'there', visible to the boys - we might be just a college students, but we knew whenever we went to those students' meets ups whatsoever, we were visible, though we had to try our hard not to notice that.
next, the uni life. i was still a loyal girlfriend (to that bastard!). here was i, and there he was, miles apart. i must admitted i was so envious when my bff was swooshed away with flowers, nice gifts and perfumes.. i did asked her why didn't i get the same attention she got. she gave me a valid answer "tell me who in this world didn't know that you are attached..so attached..".. but of course, there were boys who still tried their ways in. i somehow let them, though i tried hard enough to stay loyal. i was loyal. but of course when other boys asked me out for quick snacks, movies and others, i sometimes said yes.
then i met him. my best friend, a boy, did mentioned his name several times.. way before we first met. this best friend of mine been trying to arrange for us to meet (not to hook us up, he just thought i should meet up with his best mate), and only after two years we actually met. it was brief, the first time we met. he knocked my house door, and i thought he's chinese. i never fancy a chinese-look guy, was not into oriental all this while.. and i was pretty sure it went the same to him. he's not so into this plain jane, i guess. it was definitely not love at the first sight. perhaps i was still hooked up to that bastard back home.. ok, i need to explain more about this bastard.. after five years being loyal to him, rejecting all the potential love calls, denying all his good friends (not mine, mind you) advices..only to found out he just couldn't stop cheating - it was like an addiction for him to spend times with girls, and he specifically told those girls he just want to have fun cause he knew he already has a good loyal future wife. that was a bastard, right? and i keep wishing he's dead, and still wishing, hard!
what i'm trying to say is that,we, ladies are suckers when it comes to compliments. a guy serenades us a song, it's heaven. a guy copy-paste nice romantic ode and email it to us, we could fly. a guy stands by the elevator with bouquet of red roses, we melt away, though that bouquet is not even for us. a guy turns around when passess us, we will try to walk steadily, though we could hardly control our beauty ego. a guy says he's sorry, we said it's ok if he promise not to do it again. a guy, just look at us deeply, we strongly believe he loves us.
guys know that fact. some may use it to their advantages. by all means, it is beyond our control... no matter how cautious we are, no matter how vigilant we try to be.. there will always be a teeny tiny weeny place in that big heart of us will be touched - no matter how much we've learned, we will still be a sore loser when it comes to love...and nothing wrong to lose, especially when the winner is the one and only truly love of ours... if and only if we knew that he's the one when he come knocking the first time. i guess i was one of the lucky ones.
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