Sunday, December 29, 2013

thank you

am on my second cycle of my chemotheraphy treatment.. who would have thoughts.
i'll describe about it a little later..
but what i want to tell you people out there..
thanks a zillion bunch!!
i have soo much love
prayers came endlessly
well wishers uncountables
those beautiful thoughts remind me how i was not all along
thank you kind people!!
orang cakap, berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul..
frankly, let me doubt that for once.
my hubby, kids and families been putting their very hard to support me
my friends keep reminding me how much they missed my company
everybody was hoping things were different
and everything changes
and i really felt touched
that was the strenght

abang, manje kuat sebab manje ada abang.
aidan, aimar, aivey, mama tak kuat sangat sekarang ni, tapi mama look forward for a healthier me to spend more times with you people
abah, mama, yeen, mi, k ani, miton, mum and semua2, thank you
kekawan, the doa really heal

this is just a start.
setiap waktu, masa, tenaga, ingatan, doa are my theraphy.
thank you

Thursday, December 19, 2013

aidan's 8th bday

we have about a week before i started my chemo.
i won't lie by telling i'm all set. i was and still am scared.
but as we started sharing the news with families and close friends, i felt so much love that build up my strenghts. my hubby consistently explaining to me on how i will feel etc and me, i somehow find something that has been missing in my life, the spiritual side in me. and i can never thank allah enough for the chances He gave me to live a better life. i know He will always be there no matter what. yup, it's a sad thing that i just got to realized it now, but alhamdullillah, it's never too late to change for a better.

we celebrated aidan's bday as planned.
aidan wanted a futsal bday party, despite the bday would fall on school holidays. he was busy distributing the invites, made sure his buddies made it for the day.
it was the simplest bday arrangement we've ever made. i booked the court for 3 1/2 hrs.
we  paid someone to deal with the candy buffet table and the goodie bag and even the banner. my hubby had to get the tables and chairs from my aunt's shop, so, that was a bit hassle. my aunt prepared the fried beehoon which my mom paid for. my bro-in-law paid for the KFC. my bro bought the pizzas. and we bought some McDs and drinks and some junks.. haha very healthy!!;)
my dad and my cousin sponsored few gifts for the lucky draw and the futsal winners.
the kids enjoyed the game. the adults had fun teasing too. i must thanked all aidan's friends' parents who drop their kids and some even stayed for the games.
the party was great. the kids had fun times.

while i was healthier;)

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

the diagnosed

the appointment was scheduled for 1145, but i made my hubby to reach pcmc around 1115. not that i was too eager, but it was my hubby's first visit to the known hospital and so we were excited.
we only were called to the doc clinic around 1230. we were bored by then.
dr yeo, smiling and shaking our hands firmly. i couldn't remember what happened next. he poked my nose with that small camera of his to confirm on things and he told us it was cancer. and he poked my  nose again and tjis time he took some sample of the cell.
how did i react?
i frankly din remember.
it was smooth,the way he delivered the news. and next we were set to the next clinic to meet the oncologist.
me, with my heels, holding my hubby's firm hand.
never could i imagined we were seeing the oncology. my hubby never knew that oncologist study cancers.
my hubby was fast with his fingers googling things about NPC / Nasalpharangeal Cancer. he even can relates to which stage i was when he googled. he is sooo my oncologist.
and we met dr muhammad azrif, the oncologist.
as much as i was hoping dr yeo mistakenly read the test analysis, dr azrif slapped us with reality. he was so calm when he told us it was npc, or we might called it behind-the-nose cancer.
who would have thought.
that 19th nov 2013, we were told of such news.
we were scheduled for petscan and mri to confirm should the cancer cell has spread elsewhere.
then, i was asked to do my dental check. should there be any bad teeth or potentially bad teeth, it should be removed. i was told, if i were to undergo the radiotheraphy, dental issue will be a hazard should there be any.

i went to the dentist. i found out that both my gigi taring are still gigi susu;)
i have to remove one good molar of mine on the upper right side. i did removed the lower right side before, hence the dentist advised to remove the upper one.

the petscan was a very interesting experience. when they introduced the radioactive fluid, i was not supposed to move around to reduce any active movement in my body. went thru the petscan for 40mins.

next, the mri, it was noisy, very. took me half hour.

and when all done, and confirmed.

the cell has spread only to the neck lymph nodes. no other else.
npc stage 3.
dr azrif npc is common and curable.
i just have to have the courage to go through the program.

he wanted to start chemo right away, but i requested for a week extension so that i can celebrate aidan's futsal bday party on the 1st Dec.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

the tests

I finally decided to go to dr koh, the ent specialist in gleneagles after the lump on the right neck is not reducing in size after the antibiotics dr anand prescribed.

dr koh decided to give me a stronger antibiotics.

after two weeks, it din get any better.he wrote a referral letter to dr yeo,the ent head and neck specialist of pcmc.
my hubby wanted to be there on my first visit to dr yeo. but he was due for his offshore duties and stubborn me just wanted to go and see the doc and get over with it.

the day I waited for my name to be called upon, I was everything but ok. I even made a big scene when my hubby din called up as he we was caught up with work.

it was quick. he wanted to perform the fine needle aspiration test, or fna, they called it. he wanted to do it right away, but i hesitated.we set for another two days for the test.

I came back on thursday for various test. the blood test, the xray, the catscan and the fna rest.

The catscan was horrifying. When they inserted the fluid, I felt warm the whole body and panicky. I threw out right away after completing the scan.

next I was set to see dr yeo. I thought I will be on local anaesthetic while he performed the test, I was wrong. He simply poked the needle on my neck and that was it! It hurts! I remember squeezing the nurse hand as tight as I could possibly imagine. well, after I cried when they told me no LA, i figured they were much aware how scared I was..

the one day tests alone inserted nine needles on my body including thre times failures of finding my vein for the iv :(
result shud be out in a week time, but as dr yeo was scheduled for oversea trip, and plus I wanted my hubby to be there for the result too, we took two and half week to hear from dr yeo.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

sangat kiasu me!

being ambitious me, i took the blame when aidan told me he's not in the list for the year-end award ceremony day in his scool this coming thursday. i blame myself to the extend i don't pray hard enough for my son's exam result that he's not shortlisted for any award!!!
kiasu me!!!
aidan has 'sufferred' enough! last two weeks was the exam weeks. when everybody kept telling me he was only eight, i kept pushing him to the max! the teacher called me four consecutive days asking me to pick aidan up because he vomitted while taking his exams! he has no fever, no cold and no anything illness.. he was just stressed out! demn, he was only 8!!!!!
it's not healthy at all!
anak3 mama semua pandai2.. dulu, masa kecik, mama aboh selalu dapat hadiah year end sebab score exam. so, last year aidan tak dapat any hadiah, despite of him scoring 100% for his english paper. so, this year, mama wanted to make sure aidan is in the list.

teruk nya mama.... bila pikir2 balik,aidan anak yang baik. obedient. when i said no games, ipads, iphones, TVs, cartoons for two weeks.. he followed instructions.. hari2 buat revision. bangun as early as 6am, balik lewat petang.. sambung buat revision. weekend pun tak keluar2 dok sebok study.

to the extend - paper arab KAFA die, die bukak buku teks. mula2, die ckp, buku tu terbukak.. lepas few hours being caught in guilty conscious, he admitted "sebenarnye, buku teks tu tak terbukak. aidan yang bukak. aidan nak tiru sebab aidan tak tau langsung nak jawab soklan".. mama punye saiko kan aidan, to the extend he cheated! malunya mama kat diri mama sendiri! bukan sebab aidan meniru. sebab mama dok ckp "aidan kene excel exam this year".. and that is what aidan is trying to do. to please mama.

aidan, nanti bila aidan baca blog mama ni, aidan kena tau.. mama sampai ari ni nangis bila ingat balik betapa solehnya anak sulung mama ni, dengar cakap mama, cuba nak ikut apa mama suruh, and even, mengaku buat salah sampai muntah2... mama terus doa aidan jadi anak soleh, insyaallah.

you did nothing wrong. i was! i should take the blame!!

i put it hard on you!
kesian kat aidan.
mama tau aidan budak bijak. sangat bijak.
mama kiasu.
mama mintak maaf sayang..maaf sgt2..

if you don't know by now, u should know,
i'm sooo proud of you, sayang, so very proud.
aidan dapat no 7 periksa KAFA.. budak pandai cam aidan je boleh buat camtu.. dah lah takde background apa2, masuk KAFA bile darjah 2, while kawan2 aidan yang lain semua mula dari darjah satu. mama tak tolong apa sangat with your KAFA revision. you done well sayang.
takpe la aidan nye nama tak masuk dalam anugerah cemerlang st john. betul, mama was hoping. tapi, mama tau, you've done you best.. you've take up the challenge sampai berhari2 cikgu tepon ckp aidan muntah kat sekolah though aidan tak demam or batuk or anything. mama tau, aidan stress.. budak 8 thn tak patut stress. semua sebab mama!

sorry my dear son.
before its too late, i should allow you to enjoy your childhood. explore and be better in what you are good at, not what i want you to be good in..

aidan tolong mama, ye sayang..

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


same old "it's been a while.."phrase would always be the start of any posting after this.. and before this..and before before this...
we malays or maybe malaysian always a drama in speech, kan..
before before
simply simply
many many
we love repeating the same word twice, or even more, just to make sure the message that we meant get across!

anyway.. am not going to start talking about those habit that have been embedded in our society since forever.
it was my 36th birthday last friday.
despite of my throbbing headache and gave me the excuse to got off from work with the sick leave, i was flattered to be reading my hubby's shoutout in the FB wall, right at 12 a.m. well, my hubby is not a kind of guy who leaves love messages in social networks... even he wanted to be extra romantic, he would PM me instead. being said that, the shoutout from him really do mean to me.. muchas gracias.
of course i must thanks those mates, be it close friends or not, who left the shoutouts on my FB wall and WA. I realized that, the older you get, these messages really mean something.. the expectation of getting a gift on your birthday not much of an expectation that you would highly hope on. the greetings were sufficient to brighten your days. not that to show how popular or un-popular you were. but, personally, getting these messages really meant you still have your buddies who remember you in your special days, though you might have not been speaking to her for ages.. on that special day, an abbreviate 'hb' really meant something... and when i replied 'tq' or even like-ing the comment, really meant i'm thankful for the thoughts. it really counts.

ok, of course it will be different for my hubby. in october, his cash will always need to be extra-spent on me. my car roadtax and insurance will always expire on the 23rd of the month, and i will definitely resort for him to pay up. and this year, i even PM him this nice mustard coach bag that i wanted to buy online under his account. and last week, i spend a dash of cash for another pair of bag, 'few' clothings and households just because it's my birthday month.. don't i love my hubby?:)
well, the morning of my birthday, as i was struggling with my headache, i heard a heartbreaking news. my colleague, a guy of 33yo, a biker himself, passed away due to road incidence. he was on his high range bike, to the office. a passer-by found his body lying by the roadside and his phone was crashed and no way to contact his immediate at that point of time. they saw his ID, and posted on FB if anyone knew the family. his photo was everywhere..and as i'm writing this, a flash of memory vividly emblazened in my mind. sedih! he was a dear friend. easy-going. and he just received a new baby ten days ago. i remembered the elevator jokes i made on him, on how thankful he should be as her kids took up her pretty wife face instead of him.. it seems like yesterday, and it feels weird passing by his workstation knowing he was no longer here, in this world..

on my birthday, it made me realized how lucky bitch i was to be alive, to be blessed by Allah with all the luxuries of wealth, health, beautiful smart children, loving hubby, supportive family and friends.. and still breathing.

on my birthday, and as the days go on, i know i haven't been thanking Allah enough, and that is what i should be doing right away.


Sunday, September 22, 2013

irfan sofean

I posted this in my notes in FB on 20 Jan 2010
I have doubts publishing what I want to write next.. By publishing it, I might have touched hearts that might not be heal forever, I might even cried whenever I think of it.. and why must I write something that is so hurtful and let tears flowing and keep reminding us about sob stories...

But, after few days, I still think I need to write what I want to write.

She knew her husband since they were thirteen, when they were just kids going to the same school. She was madly in love with him, the only guy that she knew and learned about love, which may be one of the reason we didn't talk much about boys as all she can talked about were him, him and him...the only guy that she've known for the last fourteen years.

They got married last year.It was a lovely wedding.By end of this month, they are celebrating their first wedding anniversary. After three HCG-stick test, she was tested positive. She was very excited. It was supposed to be the best wedding anniversary that one can asked for... After nearly a year of waiting eagerly, a life was formed in her, and she was so happy. I've been there, twice, and there's nothing that word can describe, the mixed feelings of the happiness in preparing oneself to bring a life to the world, the worries to have the best of it and the mysteries of caring a human being in your body... Her husband was so excited as well, of course. He forced her to eat all she can, to ensure she is well-fed with nutritious food. He bought her tonnes and tonnes of soya drinks, milks, cereals and all he could think of.

Only to find out that, the spotting that she's been having were not normal implantation bleeding. Their first gynea visit did not turned out like how it should be. I was in a meeting with the VP when she called. I did not answer it the first time. I text her, telling I was in a meeting, and just text me if she wanted to share any news. She insisted in calling.. I sensed something not right. I picked up her phone, and she was crying. She told me they have scheduled for her operation to be at 3pm. And I stumbled. It was an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was on the left tube and at ninth week this was totally not right. Two hours after she was in the OT, we were under the impression that the baby has been removed, safely, and the gynea managed to avoid open surgery and the tube was still intact. The baby that came out was so tiny. It was like a piece of meat, and nothing more. So tiny and no human form physically. We were ok. And the next morning, she text me as I was in the office. She said, her tube was badly damage that the doctor had to remove it. And I lost control. I was crying along the way, just because I knew I could definitely not be as strong as she has to. And she is a strong girl. She was 'removed' from her boarding school for getting less As than she supposed too, and she still strong. She did not score her SPM and the result were so bad that she has no choice but to go to non-certified college, and she still strong. She was on Dean's list and planning to further her studies in UK but not getting any scholar because the course she was taking was not 'critical' course despite of her marvellous result, and she still strong. She worked as a general worker in Tesco Manchester, and she still strong.. And today, she supposed to be 'berpantang' like all new-mothers, but without her baby... and I knew she still standing strong....She is just not me.

She will cry. She will give up once a while. She will asks why did these happen to her. She will not understand what had happened. She will wonder if she will ever have the chance to be happy.

With her husband, loyally and lovingly be there for her. With her families who love her no matter what no matter how. With all the prayers. I want her to know there's future, a happy ending. I want her to know that the baby she's been carrying for the past nine weeks was a lovely baby, anak bertuah. One day, she'll be sharing the story to her children, telling that she are blessed with her kids because of this baby.

Sayang, my dear friend was telling me " God won't test us if He thinks we can't go through it".. Maha Besar Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui...and He knows you are strong enough to go through all this.

There's always a blessing of what had happened. And please know, we all do love you very much. Stay strong, dear.
as i was reading the notes, i cried.
and today, i cried again.
i was literally meraung!!!
hari ni, she's been tested with another dugaan Allah.
irfan sofean (i'm not even sure if i ever got the spelling right, but it's for sure a beautiful name for a beautiful healthy boy)... he has always been healthy.. cuma umur die tak panjang. tak sempat mama ain nak peluk cium dia.. tak sempat mama irfan sendiri nak peluk cium die!!
my baby sister, she got no where but to be strong. but even i got tired trying to compute what she has to go through!
after her ectopic pregnancy, they were blessed with beautiful hyper iris sofea. we both gone thru the trimesters as i was pregnant as well. best ada geng pregnant sesama. though they were alert about her uti, sugar content and everything, she went thru and iris was a charm.

a year after, as they were trying for their next baby, and conceived,we were all very happy.but it didn't last long. at week 10, or maybe wk 12, they faced with miscarriage. i couldn't believe when she broke the news. ujian Allah untuk hamba-Nya. she was always strong.

and again, 9 months ago, she conceived. they were expecting a baby boy. we were esctatic!!!
they are in bintulu. yeen had it all plan. to deliver in bintulu, to wait for few days only she will come back to kl for her maternity. she is so strong. she had everything fixed herself. the maid, the nanny, the hospital.. everything. sikit pun tak nyusahkan kitorang.

pagi tadi, the waterbag broke. at 8am, they went to the hospital. she was 2cm dilating. at 10am, fifi told me the baby's heartbeat was dropping and doc decided to perform c-sec. at around 11, fifi called. it was the hardest shortest teleconversation we had. the baby passed away. 'saya tak tau macam mana nak bagitau yeen, kak'.. even at the point me writing this, i still don't know how fifi told his lovely wife about the news.
tapi semua dah selesai. baby irfan dah selamat dikebumikan. bertuah sungguh dia. anak soleh. dia tunggu mama ayah dia di pintu syurga nanti.

betul, siapa kita, insan kerdil yang mampu menolak takdir. jodoh pertemuan, ajal maut, semua hak Allah. He has a better plan for my sis, her hubby, kakak iris n baby irfan.  baby irfan anak bertuah. tho at the early pregnancy still ada complication, he gone thru it with his mama sesihat mampu. baby irfan will surely be missed. tak sempat nak main bola dengan abg aidan, abg aimar. apa2 pun, baby irfan anak bijak, tak menyusahkan mama ayah. yang pastinya, baby irfan will always be a reason for mama ayah kak iris dan adik2 nanti (insyaallah) untuk keep flying back to bintulu. alfatihah.
my baby sister, you lived thru with one ovary's tube at the age of 28.
my baby sister, you witnessed that fetus of yours flushed away and got confused when they said you had your miscarriage at the age of 30.
my baby sister, you had your tummy cut, they removed your sweet lil baby, but you didn't have a chance to hold him the age of 31!

syg adik akak, akak tau tau apa pesan boleh akak bagi,
akak tak tau apa kata penyedap hati,
akak tipu kalau akak suruh jangan sedih bila akak sendiri tak boleh berhenti menangis dari pagi tadi..
syg adik akak, nangis lah sayang. nangis sepuasnya. nangis sampai nanti kering airmata. nangis lah kalau itu ubatnya. bukan kita mendengki takdir. bukan kite menyumpah nasib. kita akur acara Allah memang yang terbaik untuk kita. cuma buat saat ini, lepas berzikir selawat menenang hati, kita nangis. kalau lah itu antara cara mendekatkan kita dengan Dia dan si kecil itu.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

#bestgiler sgt sgt moment

my #bestgiler sgt sgt moment
bile die lyn ckp tepon sampai subuh
bile die bukak bju tgh jln sbb sya
bile die buat surprise ckp train stranded
bile die letak ali bergelang emas tengah2 pavement org berjalan
bile die ckp i luv u
bile die post train tix suh gi tempat die
bile die turun naik kl kmn ngan satria bising die tiap2 minggu nak dating ngan kite
bile lepak saje2 kat bkt ceylon
bile gi tengok wayang dan kite tido 
bile die ajak kawen berbackground klcc
bile die ada hati masuk tiffany's nak beli cincin kawen
bile die beli dah awal2 cincin kawen yg kite suke tapi kite tak tau
bile die ajak lepak kat mamak the night before kawen
bile die steady lafaz aku terima nikahnye dengan kite
bile die dengan segaknya pakai baju lengkap baju melayu tho die mmg x pakai dah lepas2 tu
bile kite bagi tau kite pregnant
bile kite gi bangkok-chiang mai-pattaya berdua ngan uwek2
bile kite tgh betul2 x larat, die picit kepala kite
 bile aidan keluar, bile aimar keluar, bile aivey keluar
bile kite rindu sgt2 kali seribu masa die gi keje
bile kite due2 stalk anak2 gi experience first day of their independence gi skul
bile kite yg x pernah2 gi tgk bola kat stadium, berhimpit2 pegi tgk bola ngan die
bile kite gi bali, gigih dinner kat samaya
bile kite yg tgh takde sore, tgh marah sebab die lambat, gi tgk concert linkin park ngan die
bile die tolak kite atas troley ikea
bile die picit urut kite satu badan
bile kite jejalan and die peluk pinggang kita
bile jejalan, kite nak bau badan die sebab the passes-by had a very bad BO
bile perut kite sakit period pain and his strong hand is there to tekan and calm me down

byk sgt #bestgiler sgt sgt moment. sume ngan die. itu pun, the list, dah shortcut for 13++ years..of coz, insyaallah, nak creat byk2 lagi #bestgiler sgt sgt moment ngan die. takmo arr gaduh2.. x #bestgiler sgt sgt. i luv u coz i know u luv me too, if not more pun, it will be the same.. and that's fine with me coz i know i love u sgt sgt sgt sgt sgt sgt sgt sgt

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

ya bladi ya blada

i'm dead bored. lost count of how many days i've been fasting..but aidan for sure has yet to miss any, alhamdullillah.. as for aimar, he tried with all his hard for 3 full days of fasting, which is an improvement to him.

i was having this lethargy feeling throughout my body. a sign of getting old. a swollen on my neck made it worst. i could hardly move my neck, and yesterday, when aivey simply smacked my neck, i screamed. it was painful.

aivey is getting bigger and i must admit she is a lil bit spoilt being the atuk's favourite. i re-phrase, she is spoilt big time, not just a lil bit.

aidan and aimar just being them. they introduced this slugterra game on the iphone and, the whole family was addicted to it.


few days before fasting, my hubby and i managed to finally get away from the hustle bustle of the city, and of course from the three kids. i was a bit sad to leave them for four days, but we did.

it was the outstanding 'team building' get away that my hubby has been planning for quite a while. we went off to bali. and i must say, i love every bit of it. the villa, though the plunge pool was cold and not that shallow as expected, it was great.. it was worth the rm700 per night. the dinners... it were mostly great. the dinner we had at the samaya was superb. it wasn't easy to reserve a table in the restaurant..but we managed. my hubby managed. it was funny that when we called the hotel, they said the restaurant was fully booked. and when my hubby wrote an email to them, they said they can reserved a table for us. weird, but who give a heck as long as we could get the table. i, we, were impressed with the restaurant setting. it was as if set for us, the honeymooners.. it was beautifully decorated and very serene. i still love it love it love it.

bali in general is ok. being the lazy bum of us, we didn't really bother to do any touristy thingy.

but tell you what, been leaving with three growing up kids that wake up earlier than you and sleeps later than you, having a chance to be away from them for a short break, knowing they are in a good condition and being taken care of, is all both my hubby and i ever wanted. really. it was so peaceful. of course, on the fourth day, i started to whine to my hubby how much i miss the kids and their noise.


so, work? who give a heck. i know i don't.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

work out

in a different angle of looking into things:
Rasulullah SAW bersabda yang bermaksud: "Sesungguhnya orang yang paling baik antara kamu semua adalah orang yang paling baik terhadap isterinya dan aku adalah orang yang terbaik antara kamu semua (dalam membuat kebaikan) terhadap isteriku." - Hadis Riwayat al-Tirmizi.
Cinta bukan sekadar perasaan yang disimpan lama tetapi cinta perlu dihangatkan setiap masa dan ketika. Menjadi seorang suami malah isteri juga, rasa cinta perlu ditunjukkan setiap masa dan ketika.
Bersikap romantik merupakan antara cara meluahkan rasa cinta anda. Sebelum terfikir mahu melaksanakan sunnah Rasulullah SAW dengan poligami, apa kata usahakan untuk laksanakan sunnah baginda dengan bersikap romantik terlebih dahulu dengan isteri yang ada! 
kaaann!!!  i must be so thankful to Allah. especially, when this quote came in my inbox from my dearly hubby. 
perempuan ni, memang ngade2, manje, lembik, lembut.. but never lemah, ok! perempuan ni nak macam2. nak itu nak ini... bile nak je, lelaki jadi pening. tu yang sume orang dok figure out what does woman really wants?
ada sebab pelbagai a relationship turn sour. a reminder to myself.
the saying goes a woman marries a man, hoping he change for a better.. and a man marries a woman, hoping she will never change. fact is, marriage is a work in progress. while the wife need to learn to accept things, the hubby should learn to understand what the wife need. truth is, sometimes, we wives don't even know what we need.. until our hubbies show us, 'i am what you want'.. the men we knew during courtship, when we decided to share our life forever and married them.
and there's nothing wrong with being romantic. we women love it, and that never make you a lesser man.
and yup, ladies, tak salah nak bermanje.. mcm i, mmg en abang panggil manje pun(ok, nak muntah? i tak kesah pun).. but then again, once a while, be reasonable.. a note to myself too.

Friday, June 14, 2013

funny thing they call love

love is weird.. well, ya, tell us something new la kan.

you get jealous,
you get mad,
you get worried,
you get curious
you cry, yell and scream..
just because you care.

love grows by giving. to attain love, you need to give.
mathematical logic in love, one and one are one.

love makes us blind
it gives butterflies in your stomach
it makes our heart thumps
love hurts us once a while
sometimes you could hardly swallow the truth
love denies your right as human kind
love demands sacrifices

but  again, will this make us stop loving? will this be  the evidence that love has long gone.

then, there he is.. my love
he never stop loving, and he never stop giving his love.
he's a human being with flaws, and i am no sane with my own flaws
he never stops believing in us
why must i

it's a funny thing they call love

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

sheer arrogance

kite ni asik lupa je ..
we kept believing the 'kuasa' and 'authority' and 'power' we have within our capacity is ours to use, while it last!
kite lupe.. superheroes yang dalam tv ngan comic books je ada power and kuasa.. itu pun, they would have their weaknesses and they don't work alone.
kite lupe, hanya Allah Yang Maha Kuasa.. Dia Yang Maha Esa.. Dia Pemilik Hak Segala Kuasa.. Dia bagi sedikit sangat2 hak kuasa die kat kite, and kaboom.. kite rasa kite berKUASA!!!


the 'kuasa' comes with responsibilities. we overlooked into that. we were endowed with such 'power', 'authority' and 'kuasa' from His AlMighty  not because we deserved it..ok maybe some did. but, we kept forgetting, that comes with big RESPONSIBILITIES!!!!!! you might earned it, you might worked hard for it, and some might even got it just by cheating, believing that others won't notice (boo-hoo!).. whatever it is, we never really owns it.. its a responsibility, with capital R!!!! how can we overlooked into that core!!!!

sheer arrogance i would say.

kuasa tu, bila2 masa Tuhan boleh tarik.
tapi sementara ada tu, tolong lah wahai mahkluk Tuhan, tolonglah rasa bertanggungjawab.. tak banyak,sikit pun jadiklah..

kuasa pemimpin negara, kuasa boss opis, kuasa ketua keluarga, kuasa pengurus bahagian, kuasa abang kakak sulung, kuasa senior citizen, kuasa pelbagai kuase

tolonglah amanah jujur setelus mungkin
tolonglah bijak cerdik menilik
tolonglah bertimbangrasa bila pikul tanggungjawab
tolonglah toleransi seantaro pengikut
tolonglah tolonglah tolonglah
tolong beringat, nikmat itu hak Tuhan, tolong tunai janji Tuhan sebagai khalifah..
bile tak ikut landasan yang betul, dah jadik salah, tolong ngaku, jangan pikir diri sendiri je ada ego.
ingat, Tuhan janji, jangan aniaya sesama insan.

Monday, May 6, 2013


i'm glad it's all over - the election.
i have no rights to make any cynical remarks, assumptions, comments or anything with regards to the process and be it the result. i'm not a registered voter, which after today, after i woke up, i realized i really need to register and play my role in the next five year election.. hmmm..

my personal opinion was me expecting the government to change. the pr's wave were strong, and i was surprised they didn't made it to putrajaya.

but on the other hand, perhaps the elected bn government who is obviously not blind or deaf can see and hear that how desperately everybody, especially the youngsters, hunger for a better change. yup, we want fuel to be reduced, minus off the tolls, free education please.. if the pr believe this is achievable, am sure the bn could work something out right away, and not to wait at the eleventh hour and splurge all the money to everyone and thinking they bought everyone like they did!

again, and again, i'm in no position in talking about the election.
but i can't resist..

the pr have all the right to baffle on the phantom voters, on the blackout tragedy, on the undi pos, on the early voters, on the not-so-indelible-ink..
bn should stop the old tricks and starts for a better change for real.

cume satu je nak peringatkan diri ini: sumber dari bn 133 seats, pr 87 (dap 38: pkr 28: pas 21) ..

Sunday, April 28, 2013


hari ni, pagi-pagi dah pusing2 sesat carik jalan.. penat ms waze keep relocating my position round and round.. tu ler.. anyway, we found our way alrite. aidan is having his first taekwondo practical grading, and i hope he'll do his best. somehow, after one hour looking for the place, we reached it safely and i was touched.. twenty two years ago, i was at the same place, feelin proud for being the winner peringkat kebangsaan kuiz anti dadah 1991 wakil kl tau!! we sooo great! got my first hi-fi as the first place gift;) and here i am, with my son ... fuhhh

anyway, masa dok mencari2 jalan sambil dengar radio, ada lagu wanita from kru. krumania woohoo.. hanya anak remaja 90an je faham fenomena krumania ;)

but what i want to talk about is 'wanita'

i have soo many wanita friends. ada kuat, ada manje, ada lemah, ada gagah.. tapi, cakap je lah saya ni berat sebelah ke, biased ke, sebab saya wanita, saya tahu selemah2 wanita, kami masih gagah.. standing even stronger than any man.

dua malam lepas cik abang saya ckp betapa mulianya tugas dan kerjaya wanita sebagai ibu.. menjadi insan yang bertanggungjawab mendidik, membesar dan membentuk insan sesempurna mungkin di masa depan.. memang betul yang dia ckpkan. tak senang, tak mudah.

wanita, hatinya lembut. diherdik sikit, dah bertakung air di mata.
wanita, matanye sembab. sebelum subuh dah kena bangun, selepas tahjud baru siap semua benda.. itu pun banyak benda tak terkejar juga.
wanita, bila si kecil merengek 'nak itu nak ini', memang refleks ckp 'meh sini nak, what actually you want, please don't whine'.. 
wanita, memang penat macammana pun, bile sakit badan and harap diurut pinggang belakang, kene minta baru dapat.. 
wanita, bile anak laki sakit, sakit lagi die penat nak bagi assurance that wanita akan selalu ada jaga orang sakit merengek2 macam sakit tu mmg nak bawa ke mati esok hari.
semuanye wanita.

kite ni, kaum wanita, tak minta lebih tak minta kurang. 
kite tau in times we do need each other, men and women.
tapi, kadang2, kite ni cepat terguris hati.

bile dah sepantas kilat berlari bila teringat kehendak encik suami..
bile dah separuh nyawa menyabung sakit alahan, penat badan bawak baby..
bile dah tak hirau terjerit terlolong sakit nak push out the babies tanpa epidural whatsoever..
bile dah terpaksa makan hati sebab tak leh nak have our own time alone sebab semua nak masa kite..
kite jadi wanita, kuat gagah lemah sedih.. semua rasa kita rasa.. 

bila diorang ckp, sorry sayang, i don't say it often but i love you for your greatness..
kite jadi wanita, kite akur.. dlm hati berbunga2 dlm taman

tapi, why can't we have it often? tak feel ek??

Saturday, April 20, 2013

ok, i am to take the blame!! we were supposed to be on our way to spore just to realized at 10 o'clock last night that aimar's passport is expiring next month!! i still don't understand the six month rules!! what the heck!! and here i am in kelana jaya immigration office after 2 hrs still waiting for our turn to be attended to!!! aggghhh..... i paid so much tax and they still can't afford to expedite their services!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

the least favourite

mum, mak, mama, ummi, mummy.. whatever you call her, there's only one her, irreplaceable with whatsoever creature!

you have issues, fights at school, lost your favourite toys, slipped hard and injured yourself, you'll cry out loud and all you want is your mum.

of course when she starts nagging, you know she could sound sooo annoying! the moment she screams, you just wish she is elsewhere.

it's not fair, she's the one you want when you need a person nearby to console you, but she's always not your favourite parent! of course, your daddy is waay much cooler than mama. somehow, when your mum said 'you will need to explain that to your daddy', you just wish she wouldn't have to oen her mouth or daddy will get mad. the idea of pissing your dad is not cool, but who give a heck when mummy has been yelling about not to do the thing she forbids over and over again!

adoi, penat la.. apa nak sume mama cuba ikut. bile mama suruh buat benda, nak tunggu kali kesepuluh with high tones naru nak gerak! bila ugut nak bagitau aboh, tarik muka patbelas tak puas hati kat mama.. penat la my dear sons!!!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

bulan cinta

dok layan citer CINTA kat TV3... terinspirasi nak bercerita. cerita tentang cinta. lama rasa tak bercinta. kalau ikut omputeh, bulan dua ni bulan cinta.. tapi, cinta ni mana logik ikut bulan. cinta ada dalam hati.. tak lari mana2.. tak payah tunggu ikut bulan baru nak tunjuk.

cinta belum kahwin memang tak sama dengan lepas kahwin. betul! makwe pakai apa saja, cantik di mata pakwe. pakwe tak pakai perfume apa, pun wangi dihidu makwe. betul! memang cinta itu buta.

bila cinta dah buta, bawa hingga ke rumahtangga. alhamdullilah, bila ada jodohnya, panjang pula moga-moga. dah berjanji sehidup semati. sekali sekala ada rasa nak marah. kadang-kadang rasa sayang ya amat sangat. selalu jugak rasa rindu tambah2 bila kene tingal selalu-selalu. tapi, cinta sevelum kawen memang tak sama kalau nak banding lepas kawin.

apa2 pun, kene terus bersyukur. ada dia yang cinta saya, ada dia untuk saya cinta. ada dia buat bahagia. ada dia menduga rindu.ada dia berkongsi sayang. ada dia untuk saya.

bang, bulan ini bulan cinta. terima kasih, kita bercinta sampai bila2.. takmo lalai, takmo lupa. saya sayang cinta hati saya xoxoxo

p/s: dalam hati penuh bunga ;)

diftong? digraf?

it's not even noon yet, and i'm all stressed out revising his bahasa malaysia subject. gosh, he was only 8, and yet he has to understand frasa, ayat tinggal, konsonan bergavung, digraf, diftong and all those words i never thought would have exist! i don't understand how all these things would help kids to learn how to open a bank account later in their life!!

aiyyooo.. and aidan showing least interest in learning frustrates me more. his mind was occupied elsewhere. perhaps was hoping he could get awat with the revision session sooner, kot.. and as he's not showing any positive progress worries me more.

just as much as i'm in the midst of giving up, i was thinking of his teachers back at his schools, and all-boys school.. i could hardly have patience teaching my own son, i must salute the teachers who decided to come to school every morning to ensure thirty of their students, of someone elses' boys,in a class at least understand what they are trying to teach.. adoimak.. salute, i should


kite ni manusia, semua orang hipokrit.. 

we live in lies,our own lies, and what we want people to see that we are what we say, eat, look, see, touch yada yada yada..fact is, what we say, eat, look, see, touch and everything is not really what we are, but what we want people to think what we are.. yup, it's fake, but face it, it's fact!

... and time flies by, expeditiously.. we got sidetrack, and bit by bit, we got tired. 

we started to realize how much damage we've done to ourselves. do we turn everything back to the reality we know we are or do we just stick adapting what we want people to think who we are?


cantik, di mata perempuan, tak sama dengan di mata lelaki. 

trust me, when we were naive, young teenager girls, getting compliments from the boys were always flattering.. a boy left a note telling how mesmerizing he thinks we are, and we just melts away. a boy stare at us, not blinking his eyes and we shy away. yes, trust me litle girl, we were naive.

that hot red shoe, with nice streak of blonde highlight and matching purple dress may not be perfect and any boy's eyes..but trust me, when a girl stop and look at you and without hesitate tells you 'that top match you purrfectly'.. she was being genuine.. don't bother with any boy that would think you were overdressed..

itu conclussion as i was discussing with the girls.


lama tul tak menulis. nak cakap takde inspirasi, tak lah sangat. masa... yup, time is limited. without realizing, dah february, and most of my times were bogged down with work, kids, hubby, and work and work... en abang dah straight forward ckp apa2 pun kene ingat priority. and i know what my priority is.. tapi, kekadang, bila rasa diri tu berguna sikit, terasa lak bertanggunggjawab atas amanah yang diberi. ye, memang ada rasa takmo keje. en abang mmg akan galakkan berenti keje.. tengoklah.. insyaallah, the time will come. one day, ye bang..

anak3 are doing ok. aivey is getting cheekier. bla bla bla... tak abis2 mem-busy kan diri dia. abang2, rasa kesian lak bila mama stop their ukrc activities.. it was pure selfish mama's decision la kan... mamam malas nak bangun pagi2 buta on weekends hantar gi ukrc.. c'mon.. hari sabtu ahad nak kene bangun kul 7.. udah lah hari2 lain kene bangun kul5.. aduishhh... but then again, these boys won't be boys forever.. they grow up, and one day, nak pergi kedai seberang rumah pun dah tak nak mama teman dah.. while mama is still 'wanted' in their life, i guess i should make the most of it... so, next month, they'll be back in the field kicking balls..


completed the kpi setting workshop for this year. it sucks big time. it defeats the 'challenge session' time when the ultimatum decision was ultimately made by one with higher authority:(


ok la.. nak tido..