Saturday, April 19, 2014

i'm fine, thank you

hei stranger,
how u doin'?

it's been four weeks (I think) since my last radiotherapy session..
it seems like forever.. my first chemo was on dec 3rd, and it ended for the sixth time in march 2014.
six times of chemo.. I guess, my chemo experience wasn't as bad as expected.
perhaps everybody, my hubby, my dad, my mum..even my mum-in-law and sis-in-laws who stayed miles away from us were there, assisting me with whatever they can..

I was touched..
and not forgetting the prayers and well wishers that came in from everybody

I was always sooo 'outspoken' and loud
I say whatever things I want to say
I don't know how to keep it silently to myself
I don't care if people don't like me for who I am
I guess, when the big C came and visited me, I'm pretty sure many people would think 'serve her right'
but then again
prayers and well wishers from everybody near me, from friends that I spend few hours with, from friends of friends, from relatives I never knew exists, from neighbours who I rarely spoke to, from colleagues who don't even know my face and many many more...
too overwhelming!!!!!!
thank you alone is not enough
I pray, Allah blessed all these kind hearted, thoughtful people who never stop supporting me in every way they could.

back to the chemo..
I were on 3 cycles treatment.. the 1st day I were cisplatin thru IV
and followed by 14 days on xeloda...
I would rest for 7 days, and started the next cycle after the 8th day.
then, after 3 cycles, I were on cisplatin on weekly basis
the effects... I was weak, soooo weak
felt like a giant tight rubber band were all over my body, trying to squeeze me hard
my body was aching badly
I hungered for good massage, but when my loved ones tried to massage me, I would scream
my body didn't want to be touched
it hurt
the nausea and vomiting - don't mention it
it was tiring
my hair was thinning bit by bit
but alhamdullillah, it's not to the extend to balding
my hands and feet turned out all dark, nearly blackened
and dark spot was everywhere
it was the pigmentation effect from the xeloda
I was given 'boosters' for 3 times throughout the treatment, due to low white blood cells counts
and I had four pints of strangers blood running in my body from the blood transfusion due to low red blood cells counts

then came the radiotherapy
it was intensive
I went for 33times, everyday, during the week for a half-an-hour session
I would be lying on the flat platform before entering the machine
the therapist would made some measurements and fixed the mask to me face so that I don't move during the treatment
they would scan me first, then started with the session of x-ray radiation from my nose to neck 360degree
the sessions were ok
but apparently, towards the end, it's 'killing' me

i'm on recovery stage
it sound soothing...but it's not!!!
after four weeks.. i'm still aching
the effect from the radio burnt my neck and throat area badly
and so did my mouth and nose
I was on milk supplement for 2 months, as I could hardly take any food
alhamdullillah, since last week, I started taking soft food...
however, I kept spitting as the saliva are excessive and thick
it's really bad
I have to have tissues with me every time so that I could spit
it made it difficult for me to do things as I have to spit every five minutes
my nose and right ears were blocked constantly
it's very uncomfortable
but then again, who am I to complain
the doctor said that the saliva will be lessen in times, for at least six to twelve months!
whom am I kidding...
I could hardly talk too
it hurts when I talk
it hurts when I eat
it hurts when I laugh
it hurts when I cry
o throat o mine
the burnt marked around my neck has started to recover
it was bad during the last session of my radiotherapy
I kept applying the cream, just to make sure it didn't dry up
my weight, hopefully is not dropping any lower
the last I checked, I was 41kg
I don't remember feeling sooo light like now
i'm all skinny bone
the first time I took the my weight measurement before the 1st chemo, I was 53kg
do the math... in four month
who need slimming programme
I hope my slimming package is transferable... I really need good facial now
well, one good thing, I have no flabby tummy and big yummy 'drumstick' thigh
all I have to do is to keep good maintenance of it

I can only go through the MRI scan to confirm on the outcome of the treatment in 2 months time
please pray for me that the result would be positive
I really hope i'll be cancer-free by then
I can't bear going through the program all over again
I miss talking to my children
they have soooo many things to talk about, and all I can do is nod and give them sign language
of course I yell once a while, when they just didn't listen
I have to whisper, and even that hurt
I miss being healthy
it's gonna be a different life

I believe that this is Allah's blessing, giving me every opportunity in my life while i'm still breathing to become a better me
I want to become a better me, a better ummah, a better wife, a better daughter, a better mother, a better sister, a better friend
I've wasted so much time in my life wanting to be me, and I don't even know who I wanted to be
but now I know
alhamdullillah for the chance
demn if I waste it again