Friday, May 29, 2015

Book review: Perang Salib Pertama

I have lots of book to read, but somehow, I've picked this book for the past weeks to be read.

Tajuk: Perang Salin Pertama, Jatuhnya Baitulmuqaddis
Author: Abdul Latip Talib
Publisher: PTS Sdn Bhd

I'm no geek of history, especially world history. But now that I have growing children of my own, I realized how important history is to us and especially when you intend to tell 'stories' to your children, you wanted to get the facts right as that might be the first resource they had and would remember for the rest of their lives.  

Well, the book was ok. The title may seems a 'heavyload' subject matters, but the author put it in a fiction way of storytelling and that helps a lot for a person like me. It tooks me quite a while to complete the whole book, and I managed to finish reading it, finally. 

For a person who will never understand why people go to war, this book manages to convince me nothing has come to good with war, right from the beginning of the war till the end; no matter if you win or lose. It tells how people would do everything for their own's benefit, though they do announce it out loud it's for the good cause. It tells about deception that fails the smart strategies. It identifies how important you need in terms of preparing, planning and executing things. It recognizes good leadership. It proves that 'bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita roboh'. It asks us to appreciate the lesson learned. 

Well, I'll read the 2nd crusaders..but maybe not in a near time. 

Friday, May 22, 2015

HR 2.0

As much as I hate writing about the HR in the company I still bind to, I just have to blog this down, today. 
Why do I hate writing about it? 
1. I know I would press the keyboard hard enough just because I am pissed. 
2. I know I will use such a vulgar language, so bear with me. 
3. I know so many good HR personnel that knew their work function, but unfortunately none of them had to deal with me. 
4. I know some would say the HR is just doing their job and I am just being difficult me. 
5. I know this would be a one-sided story because I tried to look from HR POV and I failed!

What the heck, I need to write this down, and I do apologize if I tend to generalize thing. I tried to relate and understand, but I just couldn't. 

Why don't you be the judge!
My HR saga happened ten months ago when the senior manager who took care of my case was 'threatening' me of being an AWOL; despite of me being sick from cancer and was off-duty for the chemo-radiotherapy treatment. I was mad enough that I decided to tender my resignation right away. 

My case was escalated to my higher management, and my GM convinced me to take the alternative of unpaid sabbatical leave instead. With much respect, though I was determined to resign, I agreed with the idea of taking the unpaid.  

After five month of leave without poay, I knew that this (staying at home) is what I want to do for now. Of all the dilemma being a stay-at-home mom, not having a career and doubts whether this is what i want and what's not, I submitted my resignation letter, once again. This time, I was determined and I knew, working in the office is not what I want. Not now. 

My boss respected my decision and accepted my tender letter. But I was flabbergasted to receive an email respond from the HR stating that "Unfortunately, we can't process your request as you are still on the Leave Without Pay duration!" and as I tried to digest and the HR confirmed that the only option for me is to resume work as normal after my unpaid leave period and resign right away, which means I still have to serve them 3 months as per contract and they are going to pay my salary for 3 months!

My head is thumping. 
I still couldn't digest the fact of such man-made policy & procedures of a Fortune500 listed company exists!
Despite of my unwillingness, I came to the office on Monday and submitted my resign letter. I request as an appeal for immediate release at no cost for the reason stated below:
1. I'll be a liability and no longer an asset to the company
2. I have physical limitation that may stop me from working effectively
3. My mind-state has yet to prepare me to go work in the office
4. I just want to resign so I can stay at home and spend more time with my growing up children, not because I plan to work elsewhere!

And here we were, discussing with the HR on the 'slim' chances that my appeal would be accepted as it is.

First and foremost, I still couldn't digest why is the policy ever exist! I asked my superior and his superior, I asked the HR officer and her executives, and yet, I still am waiting for an answer.. They couldn't give me even an answer! Only when I kept on pestering, the HR officer told me "perhaps it's to protect the company...."..and I wasn't listening!

An employee; after qualified for an interview, went through intensive interviews and chit-chat sessions, and waited for months for an answer whether he/she killed it,; signed the recruitment letter with the terms and conditions, and worked for the company. An employee is an asset to a company.
Human Resource personnel is also an employee. Especially for a big national oil & gas company that has more than 70K employees, HR plays the only biggest role to PROTECT the one if the company asset, which is the EMPOLYEES! And here we were, with a HR officer giving an answer that such policy exist to PROTECT THE COMPANY?????? I'm not saying that she's incompetent. She surely is much better than the HR executive, manager and senior manager that dealt with my cancer case last year. But listening to her respond, I can't avoid myself from generalizing how unlucky the company is to have a group of HR people who couldn't see that they are hired to take of the people so that the people could protect the company. Instead, they think it's their job to protect the company and give a hell demn about the people!!!! Tooooooooooooooootttttttttttttt!!!! Wrong answer!

Of course, I could just come and go and enjoy three months' salary, just simply. But being the daughter of a retired army colonel who never take any bribe and the reason why he still couldn't afford to renovate his house, I've been raised with full of intergrity. I don't feel comfortable getting a salary that can afford two ferragamo's flats and four michael kors handbags every month for three month! (eh, ke ye ke?). That salary is better off allocated to the needy fresh graduates to start earning their living.

But no, it's the policy and the HR told me that nobody has ever succeeded with the appeal!
When there's an option of a win-win situation between two parties, they decided to have a lose-lose arrangement and as I might lose in terms on time, they loss big time!!!!!!!!!! That is not insane or not smart, that is stupid, bodoh, bangang, tolol, dungu teramat sangat..ehem, excuse my french!

I did some background check; the HR was telling me that is not the Operating Unit policy but it is the company-wide policy. To-date, I'm still waiting for the copy of the said policy as it was not accessible to me during the recruitment letter sign-off and not even in the code of conduct/business ethics policy. In fact, eveybody is yet to see the documented and visibility of  such policy! But I knew for sure, as it's company-wide, there were other Operating Units that accepted the resign letter during unpaid. As I'm typing this, I really couldn't digest on any logical reason behind it. Can anyone please please please help me?!!

I'm still waiting for an answer.

I insisted of meeting the General Manager. The officer told me she will set the appointment. And I'm still waiting.

It has been a week, and my cash in the bank is running out as the only thing I could do is online shopping. They blocked all the social media websites :(

For the sake of Friday, penghulu segala hari, I pray that all Human Resources personnel, especially those in Carigali, wake up and understand, the name is called HUMAN Resources for a reason and please realized HUMAN is not a piece of paper!! Pick up your skill, and pick up fast. You are working in the tallest twin tower in the world and set your standards high. Stop the bulls and act that you know what you are doing when you are completely clueless. KNOW your work. And keep on reminding your self, you are dealing with people who are not in their toddlers or school-goers group of people. Stop treating them like one!


Friday, May 15, 2015

Hot seat no 56!!!

I'm going to write something frustrating (again) to my dismay. I have so much to say, and I must vent it out.

It's the Organization for Economic, Co-operation & Development (OECD) report that was released early this week. A report stating that out of 76 countries, globally, 5 top countries that has stellar performance in education (based on the PISA science and mathematics test result) are Asian countries. These are Singapore, Hong Kong, South Korea, Japan and Taiwan. These are our neighboring countries and where do we belong in the report??? Number fifty sixth!! 56!!!! near yet so far!!!

When the Minister of Ministry of Education (MOE) is asking what is happening? (Almost) Everyone could figure out why it happened!!!!!!!!!

My husband, my siblings, my cousins, my in-laws and lots of successful people I knew came from public school background. These was not far long ago! And here we are, savings money for our children private's education. Not that we didn't try public school, we did. As much as I want my elder son to be enrolled to private school since day one of his primary, my husband insisted on public school. He believed in the system. He adhered to education is all-rounded, it's not the school, it's us the parents. 

But two years of public school school, I saw too much negativity rather than the pros. The outcome is frustrating and my hubby agreed to the idea of private paid school.

Our education system is flanking, dashed down the drain. When I read the 2012 - 2025 (the MOE really thinks it will work that longs and just implemented without any short term tryouts???), I wasn't convinced. 

Why we are so lacking?

Here's my two cents:

1. The syllabus: I'm no expert in education, but I guess, looking at the syllabus, I knew it needs big revamp. I'm just limiting the comments on science and maths subject (don't let me started with the languages diftong, digraf etc).... the MOE did have the idea on what to introduce at what year. However, just turn the textbook..It's frustrating!

a) Math - MOE believe introducing 'sampua' is a good idea for children. Why???? The best they can do is draw the 'sampua' and asked the kids to tell the numbers? If they intend to do that, can't there be more practical and have a chapter by itself to master it????

b) Science - My 8 year old son is learning about animal, but, I was so surprised when I asked what do we call the animal that eat meats (expecting him to answer carnivore) and he said 'cikgu cakap jenis makanan haiwan tapi cikgu tak bagi tau nama!' WTH?????? I should never blame the teacher because when I checked on the MOE syllabus, it is not the idea to introduce those scientific jargon yet!!! It's basic and it's not in the syllabus????

c) So,these banding systems, KBAT/HOTS whatever, PT3. How does that being measured?? Nope, spare the details. But we knew these are nonsensical. Perhaps the idea is to produce thinker and not spoon-fed exam-based generation. Trust me, we need exams. Not to rank or anything, but to benchmark each and every student capability, to focus on individual lackings and to assist them to improve. With these 'thinking' ideas and abolishing exams, do the MOE realized they are being ridiculous??? The expectation is to give the best answer that shows high order thinking skill (HOTS), however, they still have a 'scheme' answer to every questions which should the students give a different answer but acceptable still don't let them entitled to achieve that HOTS. Isn't it defeat the purpose? People think differently, hence you can't expect an answer to be the only HOTS answer!!!

d) Freedom of selection. So the MOE has it all planned. They introduced lots of subject. But isn't it sad when student are 'force' to take up certain subjects not to their choice just because there's no teaching capabilities around. Why do they introduced such things at the first place? My cousin has no choice but to take up additional maths although she picked up art stream because the school couldn't cater for any option. An art stream brainer always clash with a science stream brainer. And they expect her to mix? And you expect excellent result in the PISA test? On a side note, what's wrong with us? Is are stream always a loser and science stream always the best?Grow up!

Gosh, I just finish point 1 and I have 3 more to go.. this will be longer than I've expected. 

2. The facilities: Why us the MOE categorizing some schools being a SMART schools and some are not? why can't they work to thrive all school being a SMART school?????? I don't understand. Stick to previous structure, can you? Those are blessed with brain power will apply for boarding and if they really entitled to they could go in (and not via who knew who). Those who are not yet smart enough could just to normal daily school that should be a SMART school for every school. Not by selectivly hand-picked by the MOE. And, please please please... when Aidan was in private school, his science teacher skipped a lot of simple science experiments because there's no facility. Come on, MOE. You wanted to have a thinking practical generation and you decided they could achieve that just by reading through the book on the methods and conclusion expected????? Adoooiiiii!!!!!!

3.The teacher: I'm not going for personal attacks. I'm human and so do teachers. In fact, I highly regards the teachers who is doing everything to nurture our children, which was supposed to be our duties as parents. But, some may agree with me if I'd say there are some group of teachers that pick the career not whole-heartedly. The government has a lot of vacancy and that seems viable to them and they just 'work'. They are not motivated. Do we really want this group of people to be in the education system?  O, how i miss my principal Mr Lily Davidson. I remembered going to my son PTA's meeting the first time and his principal told the parents 'saya ni dah nak bersara dah. kalau ada parents yang nak komplen ke report ke, pergi la. saya ramai gak kenal orang dalam'..adoi! the first experience.. hmm.. trust me, I am so happy where my son is now! Not because of the paid school, but I knew the vision of the educators there were just alike. To educate. 
On the other hand, most teachers are highly motivated and trying their very best to come up with the best session in class by having activities, visual-assist learning aid and many more. Too bad, when the motivation is high, they are bogged down with administrative works such as attended the tatanegara trainings and many more. hmmm.. can't the MOW have any sense?
Qualify - this is individual. I can't comment much. But, I was surprised when my cousin who were studying in UiTM told me that her lecturer couldn't hear what was the student was saying and she said "come again"! And this is English lecturer!!! Come again???? English lecturer??? Hoi, come again it's not proper English. It's Manglish..just like 'car coming' instead of 'look up'!It's a shame that even up to the university level, we have one or two educators that still need educating and didn't realized it. 

4. Parent: It's not helping much. There's the kiasu type and there's the I-don't-care-as-long-as-I have-place-for-my-kids-while-I-work. The kiasu type will be major disaster and harrassers to the teachers and trust me, it's annoying. The don't bother type will be a pain when 'my dad forgot to bought that book', 'my mom has no time to buy the stuff for the experiment'. Come on, parents. Educating is our responsibility. Work with the school, the teachers. Help your children. Do something, moderately. 

haven't I said enough?

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Taiko, are you?

The 1MDB issues aside, I read with heartbroken wrt news in my FB newsfeed this morning. News about a boy who died because he got kicked (literally) by his one-year senior. Innalillahiwainnailaihirrojiun.

This shouldn't be in the headlines. This shouldn't be how it should be.

What went wrong? The boy was kicked on his neck! And this happened in a college!!!!!!!! A place where all these students are 'big' and 'old' enough to know that bullying is never a solution to anything!

So, just because you are few months' senior, just because the boy didn't smile at you, just because the boy was bold enough to ignore you, you have the entitlement to his life??????

And trust me, these bullying attitudes are everywhere. And it's all about ego. An employer will bully her employees just because she 'thought' she has these great ideas that was supposed to be implemented loooong ago (and it was loooong ago, you expected it to be implement it now? grow up and out, will ya?). A senior in college can give you these stare because you didn't look at him and smile when you genuinely couldn't see him for his lackings in height. A local can just park anyway she wants just because she's familiar with the place but will surely 'scratch' your car when you simply park at the same spot. 

O my, o it us or its the world nowadays? I've been reading books stated the ideas of the Khalifah Method by late Prof. Dr. Muhammad al'Mahdi (will write the review and believe it's a must-read book by all parents!) and I truly agree with the concept he's introducing.. the ideas of being khalifah being introduced to me when my children were chanting their responsibilities being a khalifah which their school introduced to them (which i am very much content and happy with the concept). 
Three basic principals of being Khalifah:
1) To perfect ourselves according to Allah's will
2) To perfect all human society according to Allah's will
3) To perfect the physical world of space and time according to Allah's will
Isn't that beautiful?

That what Islam is. 
And if only everyone can really understand the concept. 

The idea of perfecting all human society is not by bullying, abusing, highlighting i'm-good-you-are-wrong, and all those horrible terrible things that our Nabi SAW asked to avoid. Perfecting all human society by helping others' to be good, and others' can only be good if and only if we be good to them! Respect is to be earn. You can never gain it. If you think you earn it, show it to people. Trust me, if you earn it, you do not have to trade with anything. Good values and attitudes will do. 

Parents, teach our children these concept. And by teaching, respect our children if they earn it. Don't ignore them. 
Bosses, you may think you get to where you are because you earn it. Look back, You were once just where your staff are now. Decide wisely, direct fairly. Stop being such rotten bullies!!
Seniors, the advantage of time and age is not really an advantage. It's a bless that you are still alive and breathing. That never gives you the rights over others, especially your juniors, especially their life! 
You, you, you,you, and I, we may sometimes THINK we are good and should be respected. THINK BACK. If we deserve it, we'll get it!

Back to Quran and Sunnah.
Be good to everybody, please. I'm begging. Just be nice! 

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

book review: growing up social & parenting gen y & z

it's our generation (the parents) war against the gadgets, social medias and the whole idea of connecting online and no more paperbacks. not like we used to be.

we tried everything. disciplining, time off, hiding the gadgets and the charger cables, passwords and everything. it's addictive. and every addictions need helps! my hubby and I went to seminar just to understand and find ways to reduce (or eliminates, hopefully) our children time on the gadgets. I read the online articles, and these two books and I've concluded one thing "if you can't beat them, join them"

truth is, we just have not much option, nowadays. take it or leave it. 

growing up social by gary chapman and arlene pellicane highlighted the importance of instilling the 5As i.e. affection, appreciation, anger management, apology and attention than can be inspire from the technologies. in the books, the authors proposed few solutions, stated some facts and narrated real life stories from their own experience sharing. it's a nice opinions on parenting and did highlights the pros and cons of the gadgets. it made us think to find more understanding on the addiction of the children, and to 'try' to make it to good use. 

on the other hand, the parenting gen y and z by jamilah damian and ahmad fakhri hamzah highlighted the grooming our children with values and subtling with our kids and the gadgets issue. it has the cultural & social awareness and list out ideas proposing to the readers on how we can 'help' our children in educating the future generation. 

both books are 'okay'. an additional knowledge in nowadays reality. 

i still haven't give up buying books whenever just to let my children read thru. it's always a good feeling seeing them holding the paperbacks instead of that piece of square metal. 

Monday, May 11, 2015

re-mission the remission

yes, i had my cancer.
it was a year ago.
alhamdullillah, we got it treated and i am now free-cancer.
and i thought that was it!

and that's when i heard the word remission.
quoting from the net:

'If you’ve been diagnosed with cancer, you’re probably hoping to hear your doctor use the word “remission.” It marks a major turn in your care and long-term health. But it’s more complicated than simply being done with treatment.
There are two types of remission:
  1. Partial remission means the cancer is still there, but your tumor has gotten smaller -- or in cancers like leukemia, you have less cancerthroughout your body. Some doctors tell patients to think of their cancer as “chronic,” like heart disease. It’s something you will need to continue to check. If you’re in partial remission, it may mean you can take a break from treatment as long as the cancer doesn’t begin to grow again.
  2. Complete remission means that tests, physical exams, and scans show that all signs of your cancer are gone. Some doctors also refer to complete remission as “no evidence of disease (NED).” That doesn’t mean you are cured.
There’s no way for doctors to know that all of the cancer cells in your body are gone, which is why many doctors don’t use the word “cured.” If cancer cells do come back, it usually happens within the 5 years following the first diagnosis and treatment.'
and i thought it would be easy.

i'm not complaining.
i have no intention to do so.
i wrote about it before, and i do not intend to write about it over and over again.
but again and again, i got sick, i got tired,i broke down and i cried.
and i hurt the one i loved most, and the one that cared about me most.
it's never a good feeling.
it never will.
an i'm writing it down..
all over again...
i don't remember how it happened, but it happened soo fast.
i had bad sinuses.
my nose were bleeding once or twice and we thought it was just mere hot weather.
we were on our ninth anniversary celebration and went for the linkin park rock concert.
we had so much fun.
but i lost my voice, even before the concert started and did make fun how i lost my voice over the concert the day after.
i remembered having bad sore throat when we were in bali.
the lump on my neck, which were there for the past three four months were there. it didn't hurt, so, it didn't bothered me. until it bothered the people surroundings me, and so, i went and get it checked.

the ENT specialist decided to do a Fine Needle Analysis when the antibiotics did not work.
the procedure was such a pain.
he just simple cut the lump and took the sample.
i also went through CT scan.
i hate it the CT scan.. especially when the hot fluid was injected into my body. it was so warm and so uncomfortable.
weeks later, the ENT confirmed that it was cancer, malignant cells, behind the nasal.

all i could remember, i was holding my hubby's hand and we were walking to the oncologist's clinic.
the clinic was just in front of the ENT.
it was our first time, being introduce to oncology, one of the medicine field we never knew before.
and there we were.
the oncologist had it checked.
the PET Scan was where i was injected with radioactive sugar to scan the hyper cancer cell. I was advised not to be near aivey at that time as she was just a baby..
even with that requirement, i knew it's gonna hurt more as we will be departed for quite sometimes when i go through the treatment.
we had the MRI scan as well.. it was noisy. but surprisingly, after all the tiredness crying all alone by myself on machines after machines, i slept through in the middle of the noise.

the scans confirmed it was nasopharyngeal cancer stage III
we never bothered to look for alternative. not that we don't trust it, but we just wanted to get things over and chemo-radiotherapy had been proven quite a while.

after all, at that point, whatever treatment we opted for, we knew it was all Allah's Qada' & Qadr.
and we are His humble hamba.
it was three complete cycles of chemotherapy, and thirty-three times radiotherapy with weekly chemotherapy.
i was given cisplatin and xeloda.
my brother in law, who's a consultant himself, told us that's the best med in the market nowadays.
the radiotheraphy was with 70 Grays intensity. I always believe it got something to do with my favourite series, Grey's Anatomy.

the treatment was not something i want anyone to go through it, even my worst enemy.
it wasn't pleasant.
it's horrible when all you can do was puke and vomit.
your hair fell down like no body business.
you throat constantly needed water.
you constipated.
all you can do was lie down.
you slept all day all night.
you didn't even know what happened to world outside. you didn't know whether it was exam week with the boys, you didn't know that you little baby girl has started to talk non-stop..
it was bad.
you shutoff.
you closed the door, not wanting your kids to see that you were unwell.
you closed your heart, not wanting people to think you were weak.
you felt like a loser when you could hardly walk to the toilet which was just few steps behind you.
you felt useless when you knew you were disturbing you aging parents from sleeping when you couldn't stop coughing.
you failed!
you just failed and shut down!

but then, the beautiful side, i got to claimed that i had 4 pints of blood transfusions, i got to legally have morphine all by myself, i got myself a dot of tattoo as it was needed for the tomography machine, and i managed to pull out a tube that went all the way from my nose to my stomach just becuase i couldn't stand it and the nurse was too slow..

beat that! :)
i am thankful to Allah when i was told by my onco that i was on complete remission.
and i still am thankful.
but once a while, i knew i'm still not as hard and strong as i wish i am.

i remembered i was on just protein milk as my breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper. i couldn't chew, i couldn't swallow and i couldn't taste anything. it was horrible.

i thought i've recovered but i still couldn't taste the food.
i cried.

gradually, i started to take up food. from porridge, eggs, soups.. alhamdullillah. if i could recall, it took me six month to manage to eat and taste my food. but then, my taste was limited. i couldn't taste salty food and the soury food were killing my throat. i couldn't take chillies.. even a dash of peppers would make me jumping for water.

they've seen it all..
the people surroundings me.
they've seen it all..
they just didn't know that i was crying when i saw that sympathy look in their eyes.

the aftermath was not good.
the hair was still thinning.
the skin damaged badly, especially on the neck area.
the body was losing weight, 15 kgs!
the taste was a no-no.
the hearing was not helping.

it took me nearly a year to taste my first laksa after a while.
alhamdullillah, my taste is recovering now.
i can take chillies and i felt so blessed everytime i ate hot and spicy stuff!
little things that i forgot to appreciate...

my neck area is still dry, but it wasn't something that i was worried about.

my hand and feet are still 'sleeping'.
its the nerves.
my onco said it will get better.
but it will take a while.
4,5 years maybe.
last week, i stepped on something sharp. i didn't realized it only to see blood on my toes.
that's what i meant ' i couldn't really feel'.

there were times fluid were rushing out from both of my ears.
it's very uncomfortable.
very very uncomfortable.
the ENT did nothing but only prescribed me with antibiotics.
it didn't stop the fluid.
i stop taking the antibiotics.
i had myringotomy right after my radiotherapy.
when one of the grommet came out from my ears in February, the fluid from my ears stop coming out.
nope! that was not good news.

i have another issue.
my middle ears were full with fluid and it just couldn't discharge and decided to stay in the ear.
i could hardly hear well.

we went for another ENT check-up.
its standard. he cleaned the ears and prescribed the antibiotics and nasal spray.
the accumulated in my nose has now started to build up.
to some extend, i did got terrible headaches due to accumulated fluid.
my throat was now started to have mucus in it.
its just annoying.
the mucus were so thick, i could hardly swallow and throw it out.

last week, we paid another visit to the ENT.
it was nothing new and was nothing good.
he kept on prescribing  the medicine.
i asked for alternative.
i couldn't stand not hearing my loved ones talking to me.
i couldn't stand not hearing the tv and radio.
i couldn't stand hearing myself too loud.
i couldn't stand with all the hissed, buzzed and banged in my head.
i couldn't stand not knowing whether i speak in a right tone or not.
i couldn't stand letting down myself when i couldn't hear what the cashier in the 7E told me how much i need to pay for the junks.
i asked for an alternative.
the doctor said, it's just the prescribed medicine.
the fluid need to be discharge via nose or throat now that my ears are blocked.
it may take 2,3 years.
it will recover after that, but if not, we could look for hearing aid.

i cried.
i cried in front of the ENT.
i cried in front of my hubby.
i cried.

people would ask me "how are you doing, ain?".
i would say i'm fine. i would tell them i do have hearing problem.
and i smile.
if only i could lie to myself and just smile.

i am thankful to Allah.
i am blessed.

tapi, bila syaitan datang nak kacau.
jiwa jadi lemah.
raga hilang entah ke mana.
tak pasal2 jadi gaduh ngan en suami.
tak pasal2 jadi nak marah dengan anak3.

semalam, my hubby told me to slow down the volume of the TV.
i coudn't take it.
he knew i couldn't hear.
but he meant well.
if we were to have that rule to the kids, not to turn on the volume too high, i should show the same example too.
i felt bad.
i could hardly give good example to my kids...
i just wish when the doctor said i was fine, i was really fine.

sayangnya Allah dekat diri yang hina ini.
banyaknya dosa yang Dia hendak hapuskan.
moga sakit ini bukan sakit free.
moga terhapus dosa2 hina diri ini.

but then again,
bear with me.
even i have difficulties bearing with myself.