Tuesday, March 29, 2016


i cried in my prayers today.
i just feel like missing, but i didn't know what and why.
it's just the sudden of a moment.
i cried for i felt panic for aidan.
he'll be representing his school for the arabic speech tomorrow.
he has been practising it since two weeks ago.
there were twelve pages of B5 size.
he memorized five pages, he can read fluently the last three pages and he is still grabbing for the balance four pages. 
he doesn't have much time and i've been pushing him too much 'coz i know he could do better.
fact was, he volunteered to present the speech.
he said no one would want so he volunteered himself.
and now, he regretted his move.
he felt like pulling out.
and of course i would discourage him to do that.
i'm in doubt. should i been doing the 'right thing'; encourage him to do things he is not interested to do?
i cried while i was driving yesterday.
i just feel like missing but i didn't know what and why.
it's just the sudden of a moment.
i cried for i just missed working in the office.
i saw the girls crossed by, going to their office, i presumed.
and here i was, sending off my hubby and free to roam while the kids at school.
and i don't know where to go to, and no friend to go with.
i miss office.
i miss having breakfast with the girls and talk about that weird management's moves.
and i envied my hubby as he got to join his colleague on the sports' events that his company is having this coming saturday.
that would be fun.
i'm in doubt. i am much happier not working rather than stressing of things that don't matters in the office, and so, why must i cry?
i cried thinking of my parents.
i miss having a sleep over at their place, my home.
time seems never at my side nowadays.
things with the kids, my own health and well-being, the ironing and so forth.
even time to have breakfast with them are limited.
i miss them.
i cried for i felt so guilty.
i was lonely, and i knew they are too, once a while,

Thursday, March 24, 2016

mama abah

i read in FB posting posted by a guy
it was about the 'right way'
(credit FB khairul hakimin muhammad)
it was sad to think of it. as time passes, i saw the loneliness in my aging parents' eyes.
nope, my husband never stopped me from seeing them.
but time has always be a constraint.
i miss spending times with them.
i promised myself to allocate times with them.
i have always been a spoilt daughter, and the have sacrificed sooooo much on me. 
i have three lovely kids of my own.
when i get old and they all grown up, i just wish they won't abandon me.
it was sad to admit, i'm doing it to my parents and it's not fair.
my excuse 'i'm busy'.
and yet, when i went out to meet my girlfriends and overstayed, a phone call to abah requesting him to pick up my kids at school less often got rejected.

mama, abah,
i know how lonely you could get
i know how you wish to have us around like we used to
i know you wouldn't mind the piling laundries, the messing living rooms, the dirty dishes; just so we are there..

as i cried writing this, feeling sorry for what i've done, i pray you both in allah's blessing in and out.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

bad mama


it has been a while.
i have written a lot of posts, in my mind. but i guess, i just couldn't put it in words and post it in this blog.

well, it just the same old grumblings.
it's school holidays, and i always has mixed feelings when it comes to school breaks.
the kids were around 24-7, and sometimes at the breath i'm taking.

i broke down yesterday.
and the day before.

it was bad.
am i a bad mom?
do i hate my kids?
gile ape ke????????
and i had nightmare last night.
i saw them running, and fell into pool of mud and gone.
i woke up and cried in the middle of the night.
i took wudhu' and prayed for i have sinned
i felt bad, i was bad!

i remembered how was not a perfect daughter i was.
but i knew, my mom would never said anything, she would just mummed her words.
and i'm expecting my lovely soleh solehah anak-anak to be perfect?
what was i thinking????????
sangat gila!

kids will always be kids.
one day, they will all grow up and out.
there won't be me yelling 'stop disturbing your adik!'
there won't be me giving that stare of death.
there won't be me shutting the door so they just couldn't get in my room.
there won't be me hurrying them up for subuh and school.
there won't be me worrying of their incomplete homeworks.
there won't be me nagging about the messes they are making.
there won't be me complaining to their aboh how silly they have been during the day.
they won't be me doing stuff for them.
one day, they will all grow up and out.
and that day, i'll be the loneliest of all.. and i feel bad for my mom.

Allah Ya Rahman,
bekalkan aku kesabaran yang tinggi, kasih sayang yang melimpah.
maafkan mama.
ampunkan dosa anakmu.

this is bad.
i don't mean to write anything mellow,
but i just feel sad.