the garments

again, i've been typing and backspacing things i wrote. not that i've ran out of ideas, but i was too overwhelmed and i had so many things in my head...

so, hopefully i could post this, the least.

bismillahhirrohmanirrohim

it's our 12th wedding anniversary this weekend. there he was, in the middle of the south china sea, working his ass off for us, and here i am, at the leisure of our cosy home that he prepared for the comfort of his family. a very responsible man, indeed. 

and so, where do i start? my girlfriends were agreeing what a lucky girl i am to be blessed with my husband's jodoh. but then, i was wondering... i must have bragging too much about my man that they could conclude such things without even knowing him up close and personnel. 

fact is, he may not be as perfect as i pictured it in the FB posting, in my blogs or even when i speak about him to my friends. 

fact is, he's not perfect!

that man, was such a romantic chap. full-stop! no one can deny that. he brought his girlfriend to the fanciest restaurant even he was just on the student scholarship. he bought bouquets and hid it everywhere,in the closet, in the room downstairs and such. he asked strangers to talk on the phone just to proof his points. he could come up with all those sweet words without making any efforts. 

last year, he forgot our anniversary and he texted me "the florist gave the flowers to the wrong address. it was supposed to be sent to you".. he still wanted to take the credit while i was the one who sent the bouquet to his office. hmmmmmm and he bought the largest card in the memory lane shop for my birthday just to make amend, and yet, until today, nearing my birthday again in next two month, the card was nowhere to be seen. i saw the card, it was unwritten, and he still couldn't find the time to write it.. even using big marker shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY.   

but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!

it is expected in most men, they promised you the world when he was courting you. in time, he tends to forget to tell us, he didn't mean it literally and he thought we would just accept the fact them being typical men. and we women, get so frustrated. i got upset most of the time. i miss him writing cards and emails. i miss the flowers. i miss the gifts. but then, him being imperfect, made me realize, his is my jodoh. Allah didn't simply dump me with any man, He gives me the best for me. My husband, he is so good to his wife. He does the laundry, he does the dishes, he DIYs every single things, he cleans the toilet... mashaallah... he even make sure our children do the house chores before mama does it. That is romantic. 

And it was last week, when we had our breakfast at our normal place, he told me, "you are beautiful. before this, it was you who keep telling me how thankful you are for our jodoh, and to me, kita memang dah jodoh. but today, i'm telling you, abang bersyukur to have you as my wife."oo ladies, please envy me. yup, he may not stayed up all night to do that handmade card like he did sixteen years ago.. he even forgot where he put the card he bought for me last year, and he still the romantic guy i knew and i married too. alhamdullillah. 

that man, twelve years ago, was supposed to be at the mosque for the akad nikah and was supposed to be there before his bride. he was supposed to wait for his future wife and not the other way round. 

that man failed!

he was late, fashionably late, and we were waiting for him instead.

and two days ago, he was supposed to board for his boat to the offshore platform and was supposed to be there at 3pm. the deck was three hours away, and we left the house exactly three hours before the given time, and not earlier but could be later. luckily there were no major incident or anything or else, he would really spoilt the company's reputation to one of their major clients. 

you see, even after twelve years, he is still late. 

on the other hand, being the daughter of a very strict army officer, i have always been compliance to time. be early or on time! 

but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!

trust me, the time management has always been and issue to him and me. we would argues and fights, and it was ugly! it has always been our conflict, one with don't give a darn about time and one that takes a single second delay is a matter of life or death. and we've been putting up with each other for the past twelve years.. i would blame him disrespecting my plan and he would blame me for small things that doesn't matter as he surely made it just in time!

and we are still struggling with this! yup, still are! 

however, that weakness teach me the meaning of sabar. i am still learning. i pray hard. i believe, Allah will help us when we pray and ask for His help. insyallah, He will help us. all i have to do is never to lose faith, tawakal and sabar. I saw the changes. He did improve a lot trying to adhere to the time though he could have done that sooner..but better now than never. all i have to do is to have faith and sabar. insyaallah. I remember him telling me, "i will make sure i deliver on time, and won't deter other schedule"..so far, so good. alhamdullillah. 

fact is, he's not perfect!

that man, twelve years ago, never stop telling his wife to dress decently when he was not around. he didn't want other guys ogling at his wife but that doesn't stop him from looking at other girls.  

today, even after i have try my very best dressing up decently, he still makes the remarks if need be. 

it has always been our conflict when sometimes i find that he is just exaggerating.

but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!

i can called him such a chauvinist or even an hypocrites. but, because of him, i am so much closer to Allah and just by adhering to his request to take care of my dressing, he makes me feel how important i am to him. that is enough! he just want me, all of me, to him. and that is what marriage is all about. i was that girl who wore short skirts and i was that girl who wore the tight shirts. and today, when we saw a passerby and he just speak his mind out loud 'sexy kan?', i understood why he asked me to cover up. i don't think i want to hear it out loud from any stranger giving that remarks to me. yup, he should lower his gaze too. and he agreed to that. but we are so comfortable with each other, and he would just share his opinions with me. to some extent, i am thankful he share it with me rather than keep it to himself or sharing it with his buddies. at least, i could know what he wants and likes in a lady. it's not bad, ladies. just don't take it personally when you hubby started giving such remarks. it's a motivation, you know. at least to us, alhamdullillah.  

fact is, he's not perfect!

that man, who way before we got married, already having issue with his sleeps arrangement and get worst when his wife fell sick. he just couldn't sleep much, or perhaps, refused to sleep. sadly, even after i completed my treatment and alhamdullillah in remission for two years now, he still having struggles sleeping. it's a mixed feeling you'd feel when you woke up in the middle of the sleep, to see he was not in bed and nope, he wasn't away from home but downstairs with his DIY tools mending the broken lamps, the wife's brooches, the daughter's toys, the son's glasses and all others. he just couldn't sleep and he just wanted to stay awake. i knew his body is tired. 

but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!

mashaallah... i couldn't describe how i felt when i wrote this paragraph. i got well two years ago, and he is still struggling and not getting any better. but then, when i woke up and saw him on the sejadah, performing his solat.. definitely made me head over feet over this man. there were times, he woke me up when i was fast asleep so that i don't miss my prayers too. you see, we could complains all the way, but surely, everything that Allah has given to us is just perfect to us. He is The Planner and the best at it. mashaallah. it was difficult when he could not sleep, but i can never be thankful enough on what comes with it..alhamdullillah. 

we've been married for twelve years, we've known each other for sixteen years... there's so many things i could talk about him. and i will never stop talking about him. the beauty of everything is when i believe this love we have, kerana Allah SWT. i used to be the wife that cry in my prayers for my husband ignore my soft womanly needs.. all i need was for him to 'understand' what i want, to pujuk me, to manjekan me, to puji me. i cried when he said harsh words to me, and i talked in my prayer 'ya allah, berikanlah aku kesabaran,' and i still cried. 

what the heck was i thinking? 

i love him not because he is my jodoh.. i love him because of Him. mashaallah... sebab dia lelaki. we may not be perfect and we might have took the wrong paths during our younger years. but we realized we only have each other to perfect ourselves to Allah SWT. The love of Allah is what made us love this love we have and we plan to keep annoying each other as long as that could perfect us to become the better Muslim. 

i still cry in my prayers. i cry for i just couldn't be thankful enough to Allah on how kind He has been to us. Mashaallah. He gave a man, not just a man. A responsible man, a great father, a bestest friend, a wonderful gossiper, a loving charmer and all a lady can ask for. 

and this lady is not perfect at all. 

and so, today, abang, i know  have said it enough and i still want to say it, alhamdullillah for our jodoh.. kita doa sama2, kita nak hidup forever and ever... sampai firdausi.. saya KENA jadi ketua bidadari awak! 

p/s: cakaplah manje gila, tapi, manje tak putus doa, dan doa, dan doa, dan doa..manje nak senang kat padang mahsyar nanti..manje nak abang dekat manje, takut sorang2 nanti.. allahuakbar, azab akhirat.. jangan putus doa..