Saturday, November 12, 2016

and He is all you need

everybody is entitled to their own opinions.
but they most of us forget how to respect others' opinion.
we are our own bigot, a hypocrite.
we wanted people to respect us, but we never care to respect others.
what the heck?
i have been at my lowest point and i can never stop feeling thankful to Allah for allowing me to change and follow His path.
i am nobody to talk about Islam.
i am not a scholar and i know nothing.
but, i guess, i just have to keep on sharing my views, so that people i love know, i was them and i found out the hard way they were not right. i just want them not to do the mistakes i did, i just want them to know i love them too much that i want to see them in Jannah.

someone of my clan said something to my children.
the words uttered made me uneasy.
she was voicing out her opinion, for the good.
i didn't and won't agree with her.
but, as i've known her my entire life, i knew that arguing won't bring any good.
and my mind were disturbed since that conversation we had.
a brief conversation.
i'm not blaming her.
she didn't know.
i knew, if i was not given the 'second chance' to life, and Allah did not guided my heart to get to know Islam better, i would be in the same opinion as she was.

she told my daughter to buckle up and get ready for the future.
she asked her to start learning mandarin. 'that is what is wanted in the future'
i was okay with that.
and what she uttered next made hurt my ears and made my heart ache.
'you need mandarin, not arabic. knowing arabic won't help. it will only help you reading the quran and that's it. mandarin is the language to survive in future'
Astagfirullahalazim, I seek the forgiveness of Allah, the Mighty.
Allah please forgive us. Please forgive her. Please forgive me.
I knew her. She meant it the good way. But she put it all wrong. She wanted to be sarcastic. We were talking about the PM and his new ties with the China chinese and how the chinese are dominating nowadays. But she put it all in a wrong perceptions. She put it wrongly, and I pray that Allah do forgive her for her ignorance and I pray that she didn't meant the exact words she say.
Takut jadi syirik, takut hilang kebergantungan dan keyakinan pada Allah. Nauzubillahuminzalik.

it was only two days back I was listening to Mufti Menk's clip and he recited the ayat 3 from surah Fussillat,"a Book whose verses have been detailed, an Arabic Qur'an for people who know" (Quran 41:3)
Quran is all ours.
Rasullullah sallalahu alaihi assalam's very own mukjizat.
the Book who will be there for us in kubur and akhirat.
the Book who is a miracle.
and if you are an avid reader, read Quran and don't tell me you are not fascinated with its contents, its languange and everything in it.
the beauty of Quran is, it is the ayat of Allah. read it. and don't tell me you don't feel like your own Maker is talking to you one to one in His own way.
Every ayat, every verse, every surah, though it bears the same meaning and never had been changed since 1400 years ago, it will surely tells you 'different' story depending on who is reading it, the situation, emotion, and mind state of the readers.
to me, this is the only Book ever existed that talked back to you in so many ways.

and it is so heartbreaking to hear someone would say such thing to my daughter.
Al Quran is everything.
anak2, if you are reading this post, please keep in mind, Quran is everything.
nak jadi orang pandai, nak jadi orang berjaya, nak jadi jutawan, nak jadi genius, nak jadi superhero, nak jadi pemuda terhandsome dan pemudi tercantik, nak jadi manusia termulia, baca, faham, hafal, amalkan Quran.
never leave Quran. keep it by your side. keep it in you.
takpe sayang. kalau sebab nak belajar Quran, kalau sebab nak hafal Quran, you might lose time learning maths and science, lose it. belajarlah Quran. mama aboh redho.

i was her before.
i went for English language class for i knew the need in mastering English.
i went for Engineering for i learned that would be the most needed skill for my future.
i went for expensive Computer courses for i thought that would be an added advantage.
i outperformed myself.
my English was superb.
i was that engineer lady who climbed the compressor plant just to check on the 24" control valve and i was the only lady in the plant during the shutdown at 4 o'clock in the morning.
i was so successful.

but i put Quran on hold.
i couldn't find time to read it. not a page, not even an ayat.
of all my entire life, my memory reading Quran was when i was twelve, that was when nenek forced us to go the surau and learn the Quran. i completed the whole Quran once and that was it. i left it, just like that. i read Yaseen when there were death. i recited AlIkhlas and AlKafiroon in my prayers and that was it. and trust me, i didn't pray much pun.

i never knew what i want in life.
i got a good husband but i always thought he didn't understand me.
i always thought he didn't love me much.
i was good in my work, but it has always been not enough.

and i got cancer.

it was my husband who insisted us to change.
it was my husband who realized we were so drifted away from the path of Islam.
it was my husband who discovered i knew so little about the religion i live by every breath.

I am ashamed, to myself, to the Maker.
He knew i wasn't good.
He knew i was sinning.
He knew i was horrible.
He knew i abandoned Him.
and yet, He gave me this feeling, opened up my heart, and all I wanted is to learn how to be close to Him.

i'm teary.
i always thought life is all about success.
success is when you earned the most, you can just own anything you want, you have that grande lamborghini and that bungalow with two indoor pools in it.

how wrong i was.

success is peace.
success is firdausi.
success is when  rasullullah happy to meet you in akhirah.
success is when Allah bless you with His rahmah.

itu dah cukup.

takpe, kalau tak tau Mandarin sebab kau masih bersusah-payah belajar Arab, belajarlah Arab itu.
takpe, kalau tak cukup duit nak beli Beemer sebab kau nak wakafkan sikit tanah untuk buat surau, infaqkanlah duitmu itu.
takpe, kalau tak banyak kawan sebab kau tak mahu pergi ke kelab malam menikmati usia muda mu, biarlah hilang kawanmu itu.
takpe, kalau tak tentu masa kau nak habiskan tugasan sedang jemaah di surau menunggu, luangkan sepuluh minit pergi berjemaah sebab itu yang akan tolong kau hidup.

itu hidup.

you may not see it now.
you may think it's not worth it.

just remember, we don't live for the world, we live for akhirah. that is our final destination.
if you have to be poor to be rich akhirat nanti, be it.
if you have to be sick to be healthy akhirat nanti, be it.
if you have to be sad to be happy akhirat nanti, be it.

jangan risau rezeki orang cina kawal.
jangan runsing kalau bukan kau kesukaan bos sebab kau tak mahu makan rahsuah.
jangan sedih, janagan buruk sangka, bila kau, perempuan, belajar sampai ke menara gading, dan suami mu yang tahu tanggungjawabnya dan mampu menyara kamu sekeluarga menyuruh kamu tidak bekerja...
jangan buruk sangka
jangan buruk sangka
jangan buruk sangka

ingat satu
Allah ada...
He'll come to you if you look for Him.
He'll be there for you if you call upon Him.      
and if you decided to pick someone form China to be your guide, just pray hard that China man will guide you to the right path...
for if you go astray from Allah, He would go away from you... Nauzubillahuminzalik.


Ya Allah, bantu kami Ya Allah.
Kami jahil dengan segala kata yang kami ungkapkan
Kami buta bila dilalaikan dengan harta dan pangkat
Kami bisu dan tak dapat berkata apa-apa bila ayatMu dipertikaikan
Kami pekak bila ada yang hendak menasihati untuk berada di jalan yang Kau redhoi
Ya Allah, bantu kami Ya Allah
Terangkan dada kami, tinggikan iman kami, bersihkan hati kami
Rahmati kami, berkati kami, redhokan kami, Ya Allah.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

they grow, non-stop

let's see if i could try to keep this blog updated as often as i wish..

every single time, whenever i started to log in and click on this blog, and tried typing something, i would have that ambition somehow.

we'll see
and, well, i guess i would have known what the outcome would be.

and so, 
it's been a while since i keep updating about the children. 
it's year end..
they have all done their exams. 
haven't got any results yet. 

i still couldn't help myself from being a nazi mom during the exam weeks. an hour of one subject to another with 15 minutes break in between. i did empathized the boys. they must be very tired, but then again, they always seems to be clueless whenever we started new chapters or whatsoever. anyway, those phase were gone now that the exam was over. 
but, this time, i have a different mindset. i must ashamedly admit, for the past years, i was expecting excellent results, them being the highest of one and many subjects they could. i remembered picking up Aivey from her kindi and she told me, "Mama, today I did get scolded from the teacher. I was clever". I smiled and praised her. but she wasn't finished, "I was never clever girl. I was just a 'clever klogg' (her class's name) but today I was a clever girl. always Ayra was a clever girl, but today I was." my 5 years-old daughter was so cheerful but I felt like a pang on my cheek. what have I made Aivey into? She has always been the clever girl. She tucked me in my blanket when I was sick. she kissed and hugged me when I cried. She reminded my husband and I not to argue at all because married couple don't argue. O my.. and it was heartbreaking hearing what she have just said. and so, I settled! I wanted to raise them, to educate them, they way I should! to work as hard as they could, without pushing limits; to credits on their efforts and great results would just be a bonus. to keep telling them, they are smart and great kids. 

Aimar made me sad yesterday. he did something he shouldn't do, and I didn't scold him right away as his friends were all around. but I warned him that what he did was wrong and he cried before I punished him. he went to car and slammed the door. I wasn't mad. I was sad. very sad. I mummed and couldn't uttered any word though he was apologizing. Aimar is going to be 10 next year. He has always been the adik to Aidan and he hasn't 'grow up' that much in a sense. Yup, he is physically bigger as compared to Aidan, but he has been depending too much to Aidan and just don't bother about anything. When he got into trouble, he would cried, and we would scolded him. I wished he could change, or maybe we should, instead. but one thing for sure, I will never stop praying. he has always been the good son, and he will be fine. he will grow up and i know i will miss him. 

Just like I'm missing Aidan nowadays. I do. that sweet obedient cute litle budak pejabat. he is going to be 12 next year. he will be leaving for the boarding school and I know he is so looking forward for that. he did the aptitude test that i asked and one of the question was about boarding school. it asked if you were to go to boarding school, where would you want to be?
A. nearby the house
B. far far away
C. not going
and he picked B. I do not have to explain further. I truly don't have much to talk about Aidan, just as we don't talk as much neither. but, when he cried on the day of the cross country the school organized because he was winning and fell down and couldn't finish the game, he cried really hard on my shoulder. at that time, I knew, he will still come running, looking for mama, whenever he needed me and mama will always be there for you.

Okay, now cry. 
I could hardly write as emotional as I feel right now.  
I would be selfish if I were to ask them to stop growing. 
but I know how it exactly it feels... just like my mama is feeling now.