Bising buzzing

it's like being in a confined space, smaller than a cave.. perhaps it's like being in a box..

that ringging buzzed were louder than usual..

that high tone toddler's speech were too pitchy..

that every air you breathe, every saliva (if any) you swallowed, every movement of your hair were amplified..

you just don't know how to react..

you tried calming yourself.. 'sabar! be patience! it's part of imaan'... and it is upsetting when you still feel bugged! 

you tried being silent, and you just hate that breathing sound of yours!! 

you tried talking and you heard your

own voices bouncing back!!

you decided to stay silent again and yet that ringging buzz were too much!!

you cried!!

you failed!!

you brokedown!!

you were upset... 

you thought you were okay..

you thought you'd be fine.. 

you thought you'll get used to it, 

but you just cried!

for thought wrongly!!!!

it has been three years and you wonder how much longer will this lastu?

it came out of sudden..

when you were having dinner with your loved ones,

when you were trying to have decent conversations with your people,

it just came, interrupting...

and you cried!!

and you cried hard!!

ignoring your surroundings....

part of you were envious!

you wished they could totally understand how you were battling inside your ears and you knew they won't know.. you never knew how it felt.. you just had to go with the flow...

...

'salah tu sayang!

be patience!

istighfar banyak!

be thankful!

cry if it brings good to you!

don't cry if you hate it!

sebab semua itu datang dari Dia!!!!'

that's what he said...and that's what i needed to hear...

astaghfirullahalazim 

ampun ya Allah 

ampun yang amat sangat 

rahmat Allah bagi, aku masih disini bersama mereka yang aku sayangi dan yang menyayangiku, aku masih di sini bernafas bernyawa menginsafi kehidupan 

ampunkan aku ya Allah 

...

I'm writing this down

so that i would remember 

whenever i felt like it's not going anywhere; the blessings of Allah is way too much for me to complain about those little tiny test that He is giving..

after all, it's His way of saying Hi, istighfarlah..

astaghfirullahalazim 

i failed just now and i don't want to fail again..

it's a shame!

...

vv came up to the room

'kenapa mama cry ni?'

'mama sakit telinga'

'it's ok. mama don't cry. nanti dekat rumah atuk dalam basket tu ada tutup telinga, vv amik and mama can wear. lepas tu tak sakit lagi. now mama sleep, ok'

and she kissed me on both my ears!!

itu Ya Allah, antara nikmat Kau yang tiada siapa boleh nafikan!!Alah Ya Rahim Ya Rahman.. sujud aku, jatuh padaMu, ampunkan aku Ya Allah...