Monday, October 30, 2017

The Big 4

I was 40 on 18th this month. My hubby was partly to be blame for me not making it a big hu-ha thing. All my kids have written the big card for mama and yet I still haven't got it till today as aboh still haven't finished writing it! I even told my hubby he could write it later and just passed the card to me. I need to post a picture in the FB.... hahahaha

Nope, not really... It was not his fault. It was neither me nor my hubby not anyone!
I expected it that being 40 should be something big as we've reached another milestone in life..
I expected it to be as horror as I thought two decades ago.
 I expected it to be terrifying as everyone would have described it everywhere... or at least,
I expected it to be one of the grandest celebration to mark me being 40! what with the big 4? I should have celebrated it with Mama! That is what birthdays are all about! I have so many things to talk about Mama. She is everything a person could be, and I doubt I could be like her. I pray, and I pray hard, May Allah forgives all her sins, may Allah blesses her life, may Allah fills with abundance love and happiness, may Allah gives her great health and strength, may Allah bestows redha and rahmat upon her lots and lots and lots of it. Ameen.

Yup.. that is the big 4!

Actually, being 40 is a BIG thing. Allah ada berfirman, Nabi ada berpesan. 40 is the turning point! We pick which road we want to choose. Kalau dunia kita nak, dunia lah yang Allah bagi. Kalau akhirat yang kita usaha, Insyaallah..itulah yang sebaik-baik pilihan.

Mintaklah bahagia yang berkekalan, tanpa perlu meninggalkan kemudahan dunia. It's not about balancing dunia dan akhirat.. It's having more weight on akhirat, but not to let go of the worldly life.
It's sound straightforward, but it's not easy.

40 is the age when we do self reflect.
40 is the age when we audit our self.
40 is the age when we improve for betterment.
40 is the age when we take priority on what matters.

I remember reading one of the hadith on the day of my birthday - to me this is the best birthday gift I had for the day.

Hadith 24: Oppression
Abu Dharr Al-Ghifari reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, relates from his Lord that Allah said:
يَا عِبَادِي إِنِّي حَرَّمْتُ الظُّلْمَ عَلَى نَفْسِي وَجَعَلْتُهُ بَيْنَكُمْ مُحَرَّمًا فَلَا تَظَالَمُوا
O my servants, I have forbidden oppression for myself and have made it forbidden among you, so do not oppress one another. 
يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ ضَالٌّ إِلَّا مَنْ هَدَيْتُهُ فَاسْتَهْدُونِي أَهْدِكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance from me and I will guide you.
 يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ جَائِعٌ إِلَّا مَنْ أَطْعَمْتُهُ فَاسْتَطْعِمُونِي أُطْعِمْكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food from me and I will feed you.
 يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ عَارٍ إِلَّا مَنْ كَسَوْتُهُ فَاسْتَكْسُونِي أَكْسُكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing from me and I will clothe you.
يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّكُمْ تُخْطِئُونَ بِاللَّيْلِ وَالنَّهَارِ وَأَنَا أَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا فَاسْتَغْفِرُونِي أَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ
O my servants, you sin by night and day and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness from me and I will forgive you. 
 يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّكُمْ لَنْ تَبْلُغُوا ضَرِّي فَتَضُرُّونِي وَلَنْ تَبْلُغُوا نَفْعِي فَتَنْفَعُونِي
O my servants, you will not be able to cause harm to me and you will not be able to cause benefit to me.
 يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ كَانُوا عَلَى أَتْقَى قَلْبِ رَجُلٍ وَاحِدٍ مِنْكُمْ مَا زَادَ ذَلِكَ فِي مُلْكِي شَيْئًا
O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to become as pious as the most pious heart of anyone of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything.
 يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ كَانُوا عَلَى أَفْجَرِ قَلْبِ رَجُلٍ وَاحِدٍ مَا نَقَصَ ذَلِكَ مِنْ مُلْكِي شَيْئًا
O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of anyone of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything.
 يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ قَامُوا فِي صَعِيدٍ وَاحِدٍ فَسَأَلُونِي فَأَعْطَيْتُ كُلَّ إِنْسَانٍ مَسْأَلَتَهُ مَا نَقَصَ ذَلِكَ مِمَّا عِنْدِي إِلَّا كَمَا يَنْقُصُ الْمِخْيَطُ إِذَا أُدْخِلَ الْبَحْرَ
O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to rise up in one place and make a request of me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have any more than a needle would decrease the sea if put into it. 
يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّمَا هِيَ أَعْمَالُكُمْ أُحْصِيهَا لَكُمْ ثُمَّ أُوَفِّيكُمْ إِيَّاهَا فَمَنْ وَجَدَ خَيْرًا فَلْيَحْمَدْ اللَّهَ وَمَنْ وَجَدَ غَيْرَ ذَلِكَ فَلَا يَلُومَنَّ إِلَّا نَفْسَهُ
O my servants, it is only your deeds that I record for you and then recompense for you, so let him who finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other than that blame no one but himself.
Source: Sahih Muslim 2577, Grade: Sahih
This hadith give us a reminder - we live for Allah, The Creator. Not for ourselves.
But on the other hand, Allah don't need us at all.... In fact, He is The One who is giving everything that we want in order for us to live. And all that we need to do is 'ASK'.

Teringat ayat penyedap bahasa masa zaman muda remaja dulu.... "Bila ko nak solat 5 waktu ni Ain? Bila ko nak tutup aurat? Bila ko nak ganti semua puasa2 ko?".... and there's a voice, a very convincing voice talking back to myself "nantilah, bila dapat hidayah".... and one thing that I've mislooked was I never asked for hidayah Allah.. I never made a request.

And today, beyond 40, I'm crying with all my heart out, Ya Allah, berikan hidayah Mu pada aku dan pada orang-orang yang aku sayang. Redhakan kami Ya Allah. Terima segala amal ibadah kami, semoga amal ibadah itu memberikan kami rahmat dari redhaMu Ya Allah. Ya Allah, pada mereka yang yakin akan berubah untuk yang terbaik bila datangnya hidayah, bukakanlah hati mereka untuk memohon hidayahMu singgah menjenguk ke dalam mereka. Sesungguhnya, kamilah makhluk yang menzalimi diri kami bila kami leka dan lalai. Nauzubillahuminzalik.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Anak No 2 Mama

Of all the emotions I had today, I finally cried in my asar prayers for feeling me not being the best mother I could have been.

Hari ni, Aidan went to a backpacking trip at Sabak Bernam for 3D2N of his own, without us, but with his classmates and two doting teachers.
It's his first experience of many.
Looking at the photos being shared; I knew he would have fun..
Nope, am not worried. Am just touched... another sign of him learning to grow up, live life at his fullest, independently.

Hari ni, my hubby picked Aivey a little later than her usual pick-up time. She always was as chatty and complained whenever I was ten-minutes late picked her up. She would nagged "Mama, why did you come late? I was bored you know. All my friends went home already and I have no one to play with".. but not this time. She said to his dad that it's okay if he was late, he just need to try his best not to be late next time. How could she let her dad go just like that??? Ishk! Double standard lah, V!

Hari ni, I saw his face from the school glass door.

 and whenever I look in this photo, it left a mark in a mom's heart.

Cerita anak no 2.
We heard it. We heard it all...the middle child syndrom. Selalunya, citer middle child syndrom ni citer anak tengah yang rasa neglected sebab dia bukan yang first dan bukan yang last.

I am  the eldest of three. Anak abah, saya ni.
Then, my brother is the 2nd. But, I doubt he had difficulty with feeling neglected being the only son, anak kesayangan mama.
Yeen pulak, our little sister.. though she might portray herself as being independent; she has always been anak manje mama abah.

As for my hubby... as much as he denies it, I still believe he is different because he is the 'middle' child. He is not really the middle child. He is the 3rd of 4th. Tapi, the first is a big brother, and the second is a big sister and then came him and his brother followed suit. So, more or less..dia anak tengah.... dan dia 'special'!

Aimar pun 'special'...
Growing up, he has always been the one who I would expected phone calls from the school and I would asked "Aimar buat apa teacher?" though Aidan might sometimes be the caused of the phone calls.
Aimar tak nakal. Never. He has always been a charmer.. dari kecik baby sampai lah ke besar. Cuma dia kurang focus banding dengan abang and adik. Kurang like, he would made himself occupied with lots of things in his brains and he could hardly listen to instructions or observed his environment. Sebab tu, selalu jugak mama punya kesabaran diuji dan diuji. But he has always been a good son. Kalau time dia dengar mama mintak tolong, he would be the first to offer his helps. Masa kat sekolah, ada parents yang WhatsApp mama, telling me to say thanks to Aimar for helping his friends at school. Ada sekali tu, when I dropped by the school, I saw him at the toilet. "Aimar dah habis pergi toilet ke?" "Taklah Ma, Aimar tolong Izz Haikal. Dia ada incident, terwee-wee kene seluar dia. Aimar tolong bagi seluar extra lost & found".... kalau anak lain, mungkin ada yang dah dibiarkan kawannya sebab time tu time nak pergi makan.
Bila belajar, dia tip top. Alhamdullillah. I always scolded him for not doing revisions and never brought back homeworks home. But usually, he had finished his work at school and revisions would take merely 15 mins and he could answers most questions correctly right after.
And he moves a lot. My hubby concluded he moves a lot because he has so many buzzing things playing in his mind. Perhaps!
But sometimes, his moves, kalau tak bagi cedera kat dia, will injured orang sekeliling..itu yang kekadang cepat je mama nak bunyi suara tinggi dari biasa.
Sports - sebab he moves a lot,he tends to have so much stamina and energy. Masa darjah 1,2, sprint memang Aimar pegang. Tahun ni, darjah 4, dia 'slow sikit'... We told him "Aimar dah gemuk" amd Aivey was the happiest person to hear that sebab all this while both abang suka ejek adik gemuk.

Last week was his birthday. He was having his exam on the birthday so we didn't celebrate or do anything yet ..still haven't till today. His teacher shared his exam paper. A picture I must share in this blog..

Tu dia.... Sebesar-besar alam dia nak buat announcement kat teacher that it was his birthday. Teacher Hazirah and Teacher Nadzirah did gave him a chocholate and a nice wafer-rolls and he couldn't be so proud bragging to his siblings "Teacher Aimar bagi hadiah besday".

Itu Aimar... the peak that you see... and there's so much we couldn't see underneath.

Aimar 'rajin' kene tegur ngan kami. He tend to do something before he thinks, that made us never stop wanting to correct him so that dia besar the way he should, the great khalifah.

And today, i broke down for him.

The school had a qualifying round for the Futsal Milo tournament to be held in November, and Aidan and him went for the qualifying last Saturday. The first picture I shared, the picture I took from the glass door, was me not knowing the news.. and him anticipating for the good news. He didn't make it. Aidan did, alhamdullillah, but not Aimar.

Aidan came right up to me while I was kept in the dark. Aimar went to his classroom, not to me, right away. That was the moment, as his mama, i failed him miserably.

I've been putting extra time with Aidan off late due to his UPSR exams, and also Aivey for she had to picked up her reading pace. But I was so laidback with Aimar. He always the one who don't require hardwork and got what he want. That was in my mind.

And he didn't get through the selection.

I just don't know how to react... even until now.

How I failed him? I guess I didn't pray hard enough for him. I believe in doa ibu takde hijab... but I overlooked... astghfirullahalazim... I was so confident Aimar would pull through and I was more worried if Aidan didn't make it as I won't have the motivational speech to give Aidan if he failed. I didn't prepare anything for Aimar's bad news.....

But Alhamdullillah, Allah gave me the opportunity to be there when he heard the news. Imagine if I received the news only when I picked him up from school later in the afternoon. He might have the worst day ever and mama wasn't there for him.

I hugged him... but I guess, at that time, it was me that need the hug the most. Dia anak baik.. always...Cuma mungkin mama yang terlepas pandang, ingat dia boleh buat dan handle semuanya, including heartbroken and rejections. and of course, mama was wrong.

And I guess, this is how my mama and every mother feels when their children are sad. rasa macam nak bagi satu dunia kat anak. rasa nak mintak maap sebab the best we could say 'that's how the world rotates and face it, it's life'. I guess, it's parts and parcels in life. but, to be a mama means you just don't want anything that hurt your anak, physically or emotionally.

I keep on mummed when my mama nagged about me tak makan ubat hari-hari. 'Ala ma, ubat tu, makan tak makan,, sakit tu Allah gak yang kasik dengan tak kasik'.... but at times i'm writing this, even I'm a mama myself, I know what my mama feels when I was sick, lying on my bed in the room, coughing, muntah-muntah, merengek merayu masa Ain sakit and treated masa chemo dulu was something no mama wants to go through! Itu sebab mama hari-hari pesan suruh makan ubat. I know, she would just want me not to fall sick, again...

Anak, kalau mama boleh tukar tempat korang so that you don't feel hurt or heartbroken or frustrated or anything sad and bad, mama nak sangat... no worries.. i won't charge! i just don't want to know i failed and you cried for i don't pray hard enough... please know, i do...

my love, untuk tiga-tiga anak mama tak beza tak kurang tak lebih.
doa mama, just be anak soleh solehah, and be the good imam and isteri solehah, be the best khalifah islam yang pegang pada agama... sebab itu lah jalan nak berjaya, dunia akhirat. insyaallah.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Patience, Gratitude, Sincere

I wasn't feeling as good as usual this morning.
Nope, not because I am sick.. I'm just sad.

I wonder, how can anyone be in position of consistent sabar if she's been pushed so hard to some extent she couldn't take it and just let go.
Is that what the other party wanted it to be? For the person to let go?
Well, if its Allah's wills, its Allah's wills.
If you pushed too hard and yet it is not the time to let go, then it won't happened.
For He is The Almighty.
If you hold too hard and for Allah's wills to let go, no matter hard you are hold, it will let go.
For He is The Knowing.

I was reading the Hadith 40 Imam Nawawi and thought of sharing Hadith no 19.

Ibn Abbas reported: I was riding with the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said:
يَا غُلَامُ إِنِّي أُعَلِّمُكَ كَلِمَاتٍ احْفَظْ اللَّهَ يَحْفَظْكَ احْفَظْ اللَّهَ تَجِدْهُ تُجَاهَكَ إِذَا سَأَلْتَ فَاسْأَلْ اللَّهَ وَإِذَا اسْتَعَنْتَ فَاسْتَعِنْ بِاللَّهِ وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ الْأُمَّةَ لَوْ اجْتَمَعَتْ عَلَى أَنْ يَنْفَعُوكَ بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَنْفَعُوكَ إِلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ لَكَ وَلَوْ اجْتَمَعُوا عَلَى أَنْ يَضُرُّوكَ بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَضُرُّوكَ إِلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ عَلَيْكَ رُفِعَتْ الْأَقْلَامُ وَجَفَّتْ الصُّحُفُ
O young man, I will teach you some words. Be mindful of Allah and He will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him before you. If you ask, ask from Allah. If you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that if the nations gathered together to benefit you, they cannot benefit you unless Allah has written it for you, and if the nations gathered together to harm you, they cannot harm you unless Allah has written it for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages dried.
Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2516, Grade: Sahih
In another narration, the Prophet said:
وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ فِي الصَّبْرِ عَلَى مَا تَكْرَهُ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا وَأَنَّ النَّصْرَ مَعَ الصَّبْرِ وَأَنَّ الْفَرَجَ مَعَ الْكَرْبِ وَأَنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
Know that there is much good in patience with what you dislike, that support will come with patience, relief will come with affliction, and hardship will come with ease.
Source: Musnad Ahmad 2800, Grade: Hasan
 Cantikkan hadis ni.

Daripada Abdullahbin 'Abbas RA katanya
"saya pernah berada di belakang Nabi SAW pada suatu hari, Nabi sebut kepada saya 'Wahai anak! Sesungguhnya aku hendak mengajarkan kau beberapa kalimat:
Pelihara Allah maka Allah akan menjaga kamu,
Jaga perintah Allah maka kamu akan melihat Allah akan sentiasa berada di hadapan kamu,
Apabila kamu ingin meminta, pintalah kepada Allah,
Apabila kamu ingin meminta pertolongan, maka pintalah pertolongan kepada Allah.
Ketahuilah, kalau umat ini bersepakat untuk memberi manfaat kepada kamu dengan sesuatu, mereka tidak akan memberikan manfaat kepada kamu melainkan sesuatu yang telah ditetapkan oleh Allah ke atas kamu.
Jika mereka bersepakat memberi mudarat kepada kamu dengan sesuatu, mereka tidak akan memberi mudarat kepada kamu melainkan sesuatu yang telah ditakdirkan oleh Allah kepada kamu.
Maka telah diangkatlah pena-pena dan telah keringlah lembaran-lembaran.'"

Dr Muhammad Rozaimi Ramle explained in brief on this hadis in his book Taddabur Hikmah Hadis 40 Imam Al-Nawawi (Karangkraf Publication).

And to quote the last part "Maknanya takdir yakni ketetapan qada' dan qadar Allah SWT telah berlaku. Oleh itu, segala perkara berlaku di dunia , semuanya dengan takdir Allah SWT. Jika sesorang datang untuk memberi manfaat atau mudarat, dengan izin dan takdir Allah SWT perkara itu berlaku."

And that's how, my dear, we put all our feelings, our actions, our grudges, our complaints, our niat, out gratitudes, our patience, our sincerity and everything and nothing out of ourselves - kerana Allah SWT.

Nak bercinta, bercintalah kerana Allah
Nak marah, marahlah kerana Allah
Nak sedih, sedihlah kerana Allah
Nak beramal, amallah kerana Allah
Nak geram, geramlah kerana Allah
Nak suka, sukalah kerana Allah

For He is why we are we.

Itu caranya.
Kalau orang benci, herdik, marah, sayang, suka, puji... niatkanlah semua kita rasa itu LillahiTaala.

Jangan persoal bagaimana tahan sabar dengan manusia kalau hari-hari diherdik dan dijerkah tanpa usul periksa, dan ditambah pula, bila diperjelaskan, dengan mudah diungkapkan maaf dan menuntut maaf seikhlas-ikhlas dari kita yang dituduh salah sebelumnya.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, sabar itu, InsyaAllah, dipermudahkan.

Jangan persoal inikah balasan setiap belas setiap kasih yang dicurahkan kepada manusia yang pastinya tidak pernah setimpal dan mencukupi kerana mereka manusia dan kita juga manusia, tak pernah puas dengan balasan baik.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, syukur itu, InsyaAllah, seindah-indah nikmat.

Jangan persoal busuknya hati setiap insan yang menuduh sembarangan tanpa alasan dan terus yakin dengan kebenaran hatinya yang kelam itu bila hati kita belum tentu suci sesucinya.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, ikhlas itu, InsyaAllah, yang paling manis menghidupkan kalbu.

Sekali-sekala orang terlupa, maafkanlah
Sekali-sekala orang orang leka, biarkanlah
Selalunya orang marah, doakanlah

Even the longest day eventually sees the setting of the sun
Even the darkest night has stars
And after the night, without a doubt the sun will rise again.
Nothing lasts, not Happiness nor Sadness
Take the days as they come and make the most of each moment
Be patient in difficult moments and be grateful in times of ease
And remember, Allah is with you through it all

Monday, October 9, 2017

Semua Dicatat - Ust Pahrol Juoi

Took some notes on what was heard from the IKIM Radio... sharing it here, and hope it's beneficial.
Jom, improve ourselves.

"Sekiranya kita tidak ceria, 
Mungkin kita kurang memberi. 
Mungkin kita lalai tanpa berzikir dan berdoa.
Mungkin kita lupa bersyukur selalu"

Kata ustaz
>>> Orang yang masuk syurga pun ada kekesalan... syurga ada banyak peringkat.. yang paling tinggi ialah syurga fridaus. siapa yang tak dapat duduk kat syurga firdaus, mesti rasa menyesal sebab tak kerja keras nak kejar firdaus. 

>>> Doalah. Mintak husnul khotimah. Doalah mintak nak masuk syurga firdaus tanpa dihisab.
>>> Doa : Allahumma innaka aafuwun karim
>>> Jangan pernah putus asa dengan rahmat Allah.

>>> Kenapa kita beramal? - sebagai penentu darjat di dalam syurga. 

>>> Kita ini al-fakir, sentiasa berhutang dengan Allah atas segala nikmat yang diberiNya dan tak mampu kita nak membalas segala nikmat dengan berapa banyak pun amalan baik takkan mencukupi.

>>>Kenapa seseorang masuk ke neraka? bukan kerana kezaliman Allah, tetapi kerana keadilan Allah atas kezaliman seseorang itu terhadap dirinya sendiri -- Al Kahf, ayat 49.

>> raqib & atib mencatat perkataan; kirimman katiban mencatat perbuatan
>> raqib semtiasa mengawasi / memantau
>> atib sentiasa hadir

>> iklas dalam beramal
>>Imam Ghazali ada bermimpi; apa yang dia dapat bawa untuk elakkan diri dari kemurkaan Allah - bukan hasil kitab2nya, tetapi suatu hari sedang dia menulis, datang seekor lalat hinggap pada dakwat pennya dan meminumnya. Dibiarkan lalat itu minum dan amalan itulah yang mengelakkan dia dari kemurkaan Allah.

>>> Allah SWT lebih kasih kepada hambanya berbanding kasih ibu bapa pada anak mereka.  
>>> Allah itu bukan sahaja Al-Ghaffur (dosa diampun, tapi masih ada di dalam buku catatan), Dia juga Al-Aafu (dosa diampun dan tiada dalam buku catatan) dan Ar-Rahman
>>> Dia mengampunkan, 'melupakan' dosa kita dan menyayangi kita.
>>> Forgive, Forget and Love
-Ust Pahrol Juoi, Semua Dicatat, IKIMfm

Friday, September 29, 2017

The Help

It's Friday....
Penghulu segala hari..
Hari disunatkan baca AlKahf ayat 1-10, minta dielakkan dari fitnah dajjal.
Hari banyak2 berselawat atas Nabi SAW
Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.

I'm in a mission to complete this book, tafsir al-azhar juzuk 30 by Hamka.

Baca slow-slow, ikut dan and mood... start dari surah paling belakang.. and I only managed to stop at surah an-nasr last night.

And so, what about this post?
I was reading the five and quarter page of tafsir An-Nasr and I cried so bad that I might have ruined the pages....
I cried not because of I was sad.
I cried not because I wasn't happy.
I cried for where we are now... astaghfirullahhalazim.
So, An-Nasr.
Maksudnya pertolongan, the help (from Allah SWT)

إِذَا جَاءَ نَصْرُ اللَّهِ وَالْفَتْح
وَرَأَيْتَ النَّاسَ يَدْخُلُونَ فِي دِينِ اللَّهِ أَفْوَاجًا
، فَسَبِّحْ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّكَ وَاسْتَغْفِرْهُ ۚ إِنَّهُ كَانَ تَوَّابًا
1. Apabila telah datang pertolongan Allah dan kemenangan. / When there comes the help of Allah and the Conquest
2. Dan kamu lihat manusia masuk agama Allah dengan berbondong-bondong. / And you see that the people enter Allah's religion in crowds3. Maka bertasbihlah dengan memuji Rabbmu dan mohonlah ampun kepada-Nya.Sesungguhnya Dia adalah Maha Menerima taubat. / So, glorify the praises of your Loard and ask His forgiveness. Verily, He is the One Who accepts the repentance and Who forgives. 

 [an-Nasr/110 : 1-3]

Surah ini surah kemenangan. Bersorak semua umat Muhammad SAW waktu mendengar wahyu dari Allah ini.

Surah ini penuh kekuatan, kejayaan. Being typical human, or maybe me, I would be so happy when the help for His Almighty came to me after all the struggles and hardships...
Tapi, Buya Hamka tulis dalam tafsir ni, betapa humble Nabi junjungan kita Rasullullah SAW,

"Oleh sebab itu, maka tersebutlah di dalam Sirah Nabawi, bahawa nabi SAW ketika beliau masuk dengan kemenangan gemilang itu ke dalam kota Mekah, demi melihat orang-orang yang dahulu memusuhinya telah tegak meminggir ke tepi jalan, melapangkan jalan buat dilaluinya, beliau tundukkan kepalanya ke tanah, merendahkan diri kepada Allah, sehinggal hampir terkulai ke bawah kenderaannya unta tua yang bernama Qashwa, yang dengan itu dia berangkat sembunyi-sembunyi meninggalkan negeri yang dicintainya itu dahulu, dan dengan unta itu pula dia masuk ke sana kembali sebagai penakluk lapan tahun kemudian."

Mashaallah. Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.

How would anyone could be that humble? Dia SAWdihina, ditohmah, dicerca, dibaling dengan najis, dikatakan sihir dan gila dan pelbagai macam fitnah dari yang paling rapat dan yang tak langsung dikenali. Dia SAW diberi kejayan... 'berduyun-duyun' dan dengan unta yang sama yang ditungganginya semasa berhijrah ke Madinah. Astaghfirullahalazim, dugaan dia SAW terlampau melampau, and I bet all he wanted was success and the facts that people know his truth.  And yet, he SAW bowed sehingga hampir terkulai. Subhanallah.

My hubby and I are fighting in our battlefield. We believe that truth will be prevails and Allah is with us. Ameen Ya Rabbalalameen. Please pray for our success.

Though we are convince we will win, by reading this tafsir, I was a bit touched. I have set my mind straight that we are going to win this battle and we are going to prove that we are not wrong. We wanted the other party to realize how wrong, snobbish and arrogant they have been. With that in mind, I've pictured it vividly in my mind our victory pose!!!!

Astaghfirullahhalazim.... and tell me, bila baca that paragraph I quoted above, who won't be crying of guilt???? and crying for being betapa mulianya Nabi SAW bila diberi kemenangan yang gah sebegitu. Kita ni, baru sikit dugaan, bari sejemput Allah bukak jalan mcm nak menang tapi tak menang lagi, terus berangan lupa diri. Sebab tu, dalam ayat akhir surah ni, Allah kasi peringat... ingat Allah, bertasbihlah dan bertaubatlah. ASTAGHFIRULLAHHALAZIM... ... siapa  kita ni nak deny ayat Allah????????? Dia yang Cipta kita,Dia tahu segala apa yang terdetik dalam hati kita dan yang akan terdetik dalam otak kita ni!

More about the surah,

"Dan tersebut juga dalam catatan riwayat bahawa beberapa orang sahabat yang utama, seperti Abu Bakar, Umar dan Abbas mengerti juga akan isyarat di balik surah ini. Kerana mereka yang mengerti bahasa Arab, bahasa mereka sendiri, tahulah bayangan kata kalau pertolongan telah datang dan kemenangan telah tercapai, ertinya tugas telah selesai"


Friends, kita cakap kita sayang Nabi SAW. Kita cakap kita kasih akan dia. Tapi, susah betul kita nak ikut setiap satu sunnah dia. Alasan kita, sebab dia tu nabi.

Ye betul, dia Nabi SAW...

Tapi, manusia itu lah yang jadikan asbab sampai Islam dekat kita.
I miss him SAW. I cried for I miss him so much. Kita semua hutang nyawa dekat dia dan para sahabat.

I am lost for words.

Jom, kita simpan niat... tak dapat buat semua, kita try sikit2 ikut sunnah dan saranan dia. Start with Islam in mudah... jangan disusahkan.. jangan biar orang perlekehkan kita sebab agama kita. Tak sedih ke kita... ada pemimpin kekasih Allah yang teramat mulia begitu tinggi adab pekerti... turun kat kita dan bawah2... orang buat gelak buat lawak agama kita sebab kita... lagi sedih, kekadang kita sendiri buat lawak buat perlekeh agama kita.... Astaghfirullahhalazim.

Ok, bila citer bab agama ni, I'm in no position to say anything but purely my opinion. But what I want to share in this post... jom rasa indah bercinta dengan kekasih Allah, Rasullullah SAW. Jom selawat bebanyak atas dia. Jom ikut apa yang dia pesan. Jom jangan perlekehkan apa yang dia tinggalkan.

Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.
Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.
Allahumma solli ‘ala muhammad, wa ‘ala ali wasohbihi wasalam.

Friday, September 8, 2017

two sides of a story

itu yang Allah suruh, itu yang Nabi SAW promote - bersangka baik.
but then again, as i tapped on the FB icon on my phone, reading the shared stories about the current issues and all, it has always been a struggle to think positive and justify why one did what one did!
it's beyond thinking.
pagi ni, bukak je FB, nampak citer si Siti Kassim was telling the media that korban binatang perbuatan tidak bermoral!
hmm..cik Siti oi cik Siti...

i'm not gonna personally attacked her though i was like 'agghhhhhhhhhh'
i didn't know her in person, and all i knew was thru the social media on how chaotic she could be.
the best is to pray for her hidayah.
orang macam dia and those in Sister-In-Islam ni sebenarnya kesian...
dalam Quran, Allah ada cakap, kalau dunia yang kita dambakan bermati-matian, dunialah yang kita dapat.... Allah bagi lagi dan lagi dan lagi tak putus-putus...
doalah moga diberi hidayah, yang hidup bukan kekal di dunia! siap2kan lah bekal untuk kehidupan kekal nanti..

ok, enough about her and her mind.
it's definitely beyond any sane thinking!
i want to talk about husnuzon!
if we read any motivational books by the successful western psychologist, one thing for sure is how to train our mind to be positive in order to succeed in anything we want to achieve.

too bad, the westerners yang dok promote benda ni yang diangkat naik namanya bilamana 1400 yrs ago, our beloved Rasullullah SAW had been preaching about it over and over and over and over..just to ensure that the ummah his leading is the successful ummah!

husnuzon - bersangka baik in Islam is exactly the same interpretation of think positive by the westerners.

mungkin benar Siti Kassim itu suka-suka nak keluarkan 'fatwa' dia sendiri tentang hukum-hakam agama, tapi mungkin juga media yang mensensasikan cerita untuk mendapat like and share yang paling banyak.

memang jelas CCTV yang memaparkan gambar lelaki berjambang berkopiah tanpa segan-silu mengorek duit tabung masjid tanpa izin, tapi mungkin juga dia sudah mencuba mengadu nasib dengan pihak masjid dan masyarakat setempat tapi tidak diendahkan dan keterpaksaannya antara hidup dan mati menyebabkan dia mengambil keputusan berburuk perangai begitu.

si ibu yang menanti anaknya di hadapan kedai itu hanya memasamkan muka bila kita berniat bersedekah dengan senyuman dan salam. senyum tak berbalas, salam tak berjawab. jangan tuduh dia sombong, mungkin dia ada masalah pendengaran dan tidak tahu yang senyum yang kita lemparkan untuknya.

ada kawan menjemput kawan yang lain singgah ke rumah untuk sesi makan-makan, tetapi kita dipinggirkan tanpa mendapat jemputan. so, they are now allying against us! nope! stop  it! it may not be true. perhaps the other friend was around the area and happened to bump into the host and got herself invited for a quick cookies and tea.

for whatever, husnuzon.
wallahualam - dan semua itu Allah yang tahu.

takut nanti, bila kita buat assumption, asal timbul fitnah datang dari kita. nauzubillahhuminzalik.
sudahlah jatuh hukum kita memfitnah, ada pulak orang yang berkongsi cerita di zaman viral ini. yang difitnah diberi hidayah, diampun dosa, kita yang tak pernah tinggal solat tahjud setiap malam terkontang-kanting memikirkan mana hilang pahala amalan yang tak putus itu. ish, ruginya!
bersangka baik!

the pros are way too many as compared to the cons.
kita tak sakit hati
kita tenang
kita tak buat dosa

sometimes, not knowing is better than wanted to know everything.

kita ni, manusia, tak boleh lari dari membuat dosa.
tapi, usah dicari dosa yang memang sedia menunggu untuk dibuat.
nak kaya, husnuzon
nak senang, husnuzon
nak pahala, husnuzon

it's all in our mind
it's reflect in our heart
it's acted out in our action

think positive and you are winning.

Thursday, August 31, 2017


Tonight was one of those days - i called it my 'blocked' day.
The day when the ears were badly blocked and I couldn't hear almost anything but noise.
Tonight was one of those days
... the day when the boys would take charge being the mediator between me and ghe mamak because i could hardly hear what the mamak was saying in order to verify our order.
...the day when the kids were saying something and I couldn't hear them clearly and they had to raise their voice and i had to raise mine.
...the day when people kept on repeating what they said and i kept on asking 'apa dia?' and end up either the other person would give up or i would.
...the day i would shed my tears, the most.
...the day when i admitted i am deaf amd couldn't hear and people would just think 'how convenient!'

Malu sebenarnya nak menangis.
Malu kat Allah Yang As Samii
He has given me so much!
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't go through the chemo, radio, weight loss, blood transfusion and so many more.
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't look for Him yet or maybe not at all.
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't be able to stay idle and read thru the quran app and all the ceramah and all.
And tonight, I cry for the blocked ears!!! Just for that when He had given me so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sangat malu
But i know. Dalam surah almulk, ada ayat: waasirru qaulakum awijharu bih; innahu aalimu bizatis sudur - dan tuturlah perkataanmu dengan perlahan atau dengan nyaring, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa di dadamu (Quran 67:13).
He Knows.

I cried for I wish I could have my 'normal' hearing like I used to have.
I cried for I know I am still here with my new 'normal' and I am in a better place.
I cried for I feel the love when my boys gave me the sympathy look trying to tell me "it's ok mama, we know you didn't hear us and we are sorry for making you scream at us"
I cried for I want things to get better but I guess it worsen than any better.
I cried for I am guilty - tak bersyukur.. and so I pray.

Ya Allah, ampunkan hamba hina ini. Berikan aku banyak sabar dan lebih banyak bersyukur.
Jangan golongkan aku dalam golongan mereka yang tak mensyukuri nikmatMu... dalam setiap tangisku, hadir doa memohon ampun meminta redhaMu Ya Allah.

The picture was one of those chemo seasion taken in Dec 2013. I was 'healthy', but fact was the drug made me look chubby. It was called the mooning effect!

This was the drug that killed every bad and good cells in my body. It kills!!

Monday, August 28, 2017

2 minggu lagi

my dear Aidan,

I knew it's been hard for the past these few weeks... i've stretched you out to your max, and you still surviving and allow me to do so..
what an obedience soleh son you've always been, and you will be..ameen.
at times me joting this, i've just completed list of kata kerja for your BM UPSR preparation... it's less than two weeks and i'm all panicked and nervous.
and there you were, following every instructions that i asked you - kalau study, studylah awak, kalau makan, makan lah awak, kalau rest, rest lah awak...
for whatever, please know, i have some guilt feelings for being such a nazi mom at these moments.

you have always been one smart boy. and BM is a struggle.
trust me dear, when i was 12, i didn't even know the different between mengintip and menghendap when i was fact, i am 40 and i just confirmed my understanding on those words so that i can explain to you.
fact is, it's not just your struggle.

sayang mama Aidan, you are worried and i know. there were sleepness nights that you went through and it wasn't easy. you told me, you couldn't sleep. you told me you can't promise the straight 6As. i shut you off.. i told you i believe you could - coz i'm your mama and i will always believe.

sayang, you will get that A and ace. please know, your effort has scored you big time. and that my dear, is all the As you have secured!

and dear mr minister MOE,

what were you thinking with all this KBATs and HOTs? these innocent children are only 12? they started to learn and read when they are 6. no body, even you, speak the KBAT language. and how would you expect them to catch up in less than 5 years? and how could you be so sane to think that every single child is lucky and brainy enough to conquer all the KBATs topics you people are suggesting?

end up,
you make a child hate learning.
you make a child disobeying their parents.
you make a child hate the parents.
you make a child clueless for not knowing the purpose of them need to know the word iram-iram
you make a chile no sense

why did you decide to ruin these beautiful naive anugerah?

mama is ranting.
that's the best, for now.

my dear children,
let's have faith...
usaha, doa, tawakal.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

13 tahun kawin! Love is in the air..wuuhuu

We will be married for 13 years this Sunday the 20th.
Subhanallah... times flies, huh?  Well, obviously!
You told me masa kecoh-kecoh Nora Danish kawin ngan laki dia and they were big hu-ha about them french kissing.."eleh, 13 thn dulu, nyaris2 ada celebrity kawin kat Masjid Kg Baru nak buat gitu gak. Nasib baik pakcik bini dia cepat-cepat potong, pesang, kiss kat dahi je, bukan kat mulut!"..hahahah...melampau sungguh aksi 18SG!

I have so many things to write about us. I want to talk about love, but I don't want to lie.
Yesterday, as I was reading the FB post shoutouts, I came across to one post, a friend I never met, but I knew she's a good person, a good girl with good heart and full of determination.
She has been in and out of love.
And still struggling looking for love.
She is still young, and I know, love will surely come to her, in a matter of time, in a matter of place.
At least, that's my silent prayer to her. Ameen.

Dah tua-tua ni, banyak cerita tentang cinta.

Yang teraniaya kerana cinta.
Yang tertipu ditipu menipu.
Yang tertinggal ditinggal meninggal.
But one thing for sure, no matter how tired, how 'lelah' and 'serik' one is because of love, we still fall in and out of love; because love is addictive!

Harapan kita, cinta itu biarlah yang indah.
Lukisan minda kita, cinta itu harus yang manis.
Impian kita, cinta itu melodinya terlalu amat merdu.

Dan kita tahu, itu bukan cinta.
I've been in and out of love. Alhamdullilah.
and of all, I thank Allah untuk jodoh orang Kemamang ini.
nope, he's not perfect. and who said I am?
nope, we are not all happy and laugh all the time, but is there any couple who do?
nope, he's not a romantic type of a guy who expressed sweet words to her wife, unless he wants something out of it lah kan... but look at me, the best i could think for our anniversary gift is this blog.. hahahahaha... who cares about romantic candle dinner and great gifts...
we are a bunch of people who called ourselves 'spontaneous' but we both knew we just don't give a heck!

Nope, am not going to lie.
We had our fights..
We ended up with apologizing and promise not to fight again.
And then, there we were in that heated battlefield.

but one thing for sure, I love him. I love him, lillahitaala and I love that feeling.
I remembered the first time I called him all the way from Scotland and he was in London.
(ok, here we goes, reminiscing all the courting moments...  takpelah, takyah citer lah..citer tu tak berubah)
and I'm glad I made that call.

Few days ago, he was rushing and honked the rude motorist that got on his way.
I told him to chill.. 'Biarlah kat dia. Kita mana boleh nak dapat yang best sokmo'
"Eh,  I always wanted the best! That's why I have you!"
Untuk couple yang baru tiga bulan bercinta, that will be the sweetest ever.
Untuk couple yang dah lima enam tahun bercinta, that will be like 'aggghhhh'..melting.
Untuk couple yang nak masuk tiga belas tahun berkahwin (17 tahun bercinta), I was sceptical... he gave me that look 'see, I still GOT it' and smile, and I was like 'whatever'..but trust me, deep insideI am jumping for joy and I knew though he seems to joke around, I knew, ada ikhlas dalam ayat bangga diri tu.

Makin lama kenal, makin lama tahu dan masak dengan perangai masing-masing.
I told he was harsh with the kids, and he would respond "nanti manje marah anak2, abang record kasik manje dengar how 'lembut' you are"
I told him he was so berlagak (and I meant he was so egoistic and I knew he didn't pick up that and would argue after reading this post), and he was right to argue "dok pikir salah orang, manje punya keras hati keras kepala tu tak ingat?" and he was not at fault at all.
Gaduhlah macammana pun, one thing for sure, he would still call 'manje'...
The name that was accidentally mocked by my good friend, "acap panggil ko manje?" and we were like "mana ada oi! ko salah dengar lah!" dan lekat sampai hari ini.
I told aivey once "Aivey ni manjelah!".."No I'm not, you are mama! That's what aboh called you!"
maka, sayalah yang yang manje :)

Dulu, I kept telling him, I love him sebab Allah. But I realized, bila gaduh, abis roboh terbakar rumah kereta semua! Who am I kidding..dok kerana Allah tapi bergaduh lupa diri. Sebok dok doa 'Ya Allah teraniayanya aku!"
Hari ni, as I'm posting this, I don't dare tell him that..
But I'm so much happier to tell myself, I love him for Allah.
I realized, I never told myself that before.
And I told myself now, bila ada berasa hati, Allah lah tempat tuju saya. Allah lah tempat rujukan apa salah dosa saya. Allah lah tempat saya pohon kasik abang dan saya lembut hati dan tak keras kepala (manjelah tu).
Itu cinta kerana Allah.
Perempuan ini, nak masuk syurga, mudah yang amat. Taat Allah dan Rasul SAW. Dengar cakap suami. Jaga pakai, makan sendiri, jangan sampai difitnah, jaga aib suami. Itu je!
Bila bergaduh, mesti kita ni para isteri rasa Ya Allah, kenapa aku harus taat pada dia? Dia seorang yang tidak adil!
Asik kita akur fitnah syaitan. Memang kerja syaitan menghasut.
Ingatlah, Allah tak pernah menganiaya satu jisim makhluk pun! Yang menganiya itu, kita sendiri! Allah cakap dah dalam Quran "Wanita baik dengan lelaki yang baik, wanita jahat dengan yang jahat"
Kalau kita rasa jahat sungguh lah laki kita, mungkin kita nak tengok balik mana letaknya baik kita.

Nope, I'm not telling all ladies out there to just comply. Memang ada lelaki jahat yang pedajal wanita baik.

But always believe, Allah Wujud.
Dan semua yang Allah tentukan, pastinya yang terbaik untuk kita.

Suami saya, dia bukanlah maksum, tapi rezeki saya dia tak zalim.
Suami saya, dia tak romantik, tapi rezeki saya dia mengaku " Kawin lain?  Bukan sebab abg tak boleh berlaku adil dengan manje, abang tak boleh berlaku adil kat diri abang sendiri, macam mana abang nak adil dengan bini banyak? Yang sorang ni pun dah serabut kepala."... dan itu dah cukup romantik untuk bini dia :)
Suami saya, dia macam tak 'caring' dan tak cara hal, tapi alhamdulillah.. cukup lengkap perfect semua makan pakai fizikal emotional spiritual saya..dan itu, katanya bukan tanggungjawab, itu hak bini dia dan dia wajib isi semua selengkapnya.

Suami saya, anugerah Allah.
Allah bukan sesaja perintah Nabi SAW suruh ajar kita kaum wanita jangan lawan cakap suami... sebab Allah janji, ikut cakap laki, Aku jaga hak kamu.. Yanf berjanji itu Allah SWT..bukan manis mulut si lelaki itu!


Makin tua ni, makin tetiba tak pandai berjiwang.
Still, till today,
I'm glad that you still hug and kiss me whenever whereever, even when anak2 are around.
I'm thankful that you still the one I want to rant and talk about nothing and everything.
I'm smiling for this feeling of us having each other beyond all

Thank you for the love, the past 17 years and more..
Till jannah..
bukan sekadar lirik lagu ..
Itu Doa!
Jika kau selam hati iniPastinya engkau kan mengertiBetapa sucinya cintakuJangan diragu
Jika kau rasa getarnyaDebaran kasih cinta yang merontaNilai kasihku padamuCukup berharga


Monday, August 7, 2017

reality bites

i have list of pending posts that i'm yet to complete and publish it in this blog, and i still am struggling.
somehow, not working is a work. i could hardly have time of my own, and whenever i could still an hour or two, i decided to just lie down and sleep....

and so, it's August 7th.. o, how time flies!

the boys are done with their sports day. i do have a story to share.

sports' day has always been the highlights to the boys. for past three years, they had done great and brought a medal back home. for a limited opportunity, having a medal was something big for the boys.

this year, it's a 'different' story.

aidan was the flag bearer for the Green House. he was great as a flag bearer. he wasn't qualified for the track-race 100m run as the Green House has enough candidates. This year, the upper primary was lumped in one group, and aimar, who is in year 4 got shorthlisted with all other five students, but not aidan. aidan was okay, but knowing him, i knew deep in his heart, he wished he was one of the chosen one.

during one of  the sports' practice, he told me he was chosen to lead the Khalifah oath, handpicked by the principal. I was proud of him. perhaps I was so proud of him and I couldn't hide my feeling. I told him upfront how proud I was.

on the day itself, as we rushed to make sure we got our best view to see aidan leading the oath, we were surprised that it was not his name that was being called by the teacher. from the audience, i saw aidan was looking at me in his ninja mask. i didn't see his whole face, but i'm his mother. from his eyes, though set afar, i knew he wanted to tell me 'i'm sorry and i'll tell you later'... a year 5 student were given the honour to lead the oath reciting ceremony.

when we had the opportunity, i went to aidan. he avoided the idea of telling me what went wrong. and so i asked what happened. "i thought i told you yesterday that ustaz change the doa and oat recitation to year 5 students" which then i realized that even Musilim who was supposed to read the doa, wasn't been called upon.

i didn't asked him further. i remembered the look we changed when he was at the field and i was at the stand earlier. that look of 'i'm sorry mama, i want to make you proud but i was such a loser'. i immediately consoled him by telling "maybe ustaz just realized you were the flag bearer and he didn't want to disturb that formation on the field" and so he said "maybe".

it's not the matter of who recite the oath.
i put blame on me.
i was so proud of him when he told me that.
it was actually just a school kids sports' day and anyone could recite the oath that they've been recited every day.
but the excitement i showed him, and the confusion on the bench on the day itself, i have made it worst for aidan.
he was not chosen to be on the track-field event.
he was not the leader who recite the oath.
he was just a student, one of them. and he didn't make mama proud of him.
at least, that's what his eyes was showing when we exchanged look that morning.
i just wished i could hug him and say how sorry i was to make him feel that way.
he shouldn't.
he made mama every proud every second, even for not doing anything special.
i need him to know that.

i told him, he was great with swinging and dancing with the flag.
i told him, it must have been a difficult task.

well, it may seems nothing.
he may have grow out of it.
he's twelve and he'll succeed more than what he did during the sports' day.

but i must keep reminding him, never to let any of my kids to feel the way aidan felt that morning.
he might have not say anything, and even if I asked, he might say he was okay.
being a mom who knew her son since the day he was in my tummy, i knew exactly how he felt.

aidan, please know, for whatever you do, i always pray for your success.
please know, you are a good boy, anak soleh yang baik. and for whatever you do, i know you'll do great.
please ignore what others might turn on you.
the least you've done is put the best effort in everything you do, and i know, itu anak mama, muhammad afieq aidan bin mohd ashraf.

mama macam emotional....
sedih gak bila anak mama sorang ni dah start besar dan dah jarang bercakap bercerita dengan mama.
you have always been there for me, sayang.

masa kat kemaman, when i was all alone sebab aboh kat offshore... i have only you. aidan lah mama bawak ke hulu ke hilir.

mak wang panggil aidan 'budak pejabat' sebab aidan hensem sokmo pepagi, rambut bersikat rapi, bedak comei bertapuk. and i will bring you to haipeng so that i could get my morning dose.

aidan anak baik. sekali sekala mama bawak aidan pergi kedai ten-ten, kat toys' dept, aidan will come and ask "boleh aidan buy something?" and you'll wait for my answer patiently. i would then decide either it's the day you can buy something or you would just browse. if i told you, "kita beli toy next time" you would obediently answer "ok mama, aidan go and look je ye"... and when it was time to go, you would just follow my instruction without any attempt to ask for anything. when there were tme you could buy something, you knew it that you could just pick one toy. what you would do is to look at something else, play with it, and when it was time to leave, you would pick something else. i asked him one "kenapa aidan tak amik gun yang aidan main tadi?' and your answer was "aidan can pick one and i want this ball, so i play with the gun tadi and i can play with the ball later". sometimes, you picked and expensive toy and when i told you it's too expensive, you just put it away and picked others. and sometimes, when you got to pick more than one toy, you would just looked at me, disbelieved!

not that i couldn't afford the toys. barang-barang tak berapa quality kat kedai ten-ten tu its way too cheap as compared to toys r us. but i just want you to learn to value money and opportunity.

alhamdullillah, you, adik2 always a winner when it comes to toys and stuff. tak pernah tantrums or anything. senang allah tolong mudahkan mama aboh dapat anak-anak baik.

but deep inside, mama really salut you, abang aidan. you were only three back then!

aidan, you are coming to twelve in four months time.
and you will always be my anak sulung.

mama love you sayang.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

save the mangroves

i have so many things to talk about my children that end up not telling any..
i hope i manage to talk about them today, so that we could cherished it when time passes by.
again and again, i'm so thankful that Allah eases our way and being in a school that is actively thinking how to make learning fun, i can never stop thanking Allah for leading our way to get the boys into Khalifah Model School. And of course, I owe the school, the principal, the teachers and ustadz for never stop making learning the khalifah way. 

Nope, am not promoting the school.. some might find the school won't fit their children, but it fit us well, alhamdullillah.

last month, the school was organizing the fund raising to save the mangroves. frankly, i was not so fascinated with the idea.. and i doubt that the boys would feel so excited as well. mangroves? we live in the city, we don't care about the mangroves and we didn't even know how what and why mangroves. 

how wrong has i been! the boys were so into this fund raising, especially aimar. 

aidan, being a typical pre-teen (mama still couldn't bear the idea that he's being a teenager.. he's only 12), was not interested on everything, nowadays. he said his classmates were selling stuff for the fund raising, but he don't feel like selling anything...

and the more i asked, the more i got it figured out.. he wanted to sell ice cream with his buddies, but some of them had it all planned out, not including him. and knowing him, as much as he would say he was ok, being the eldest in the family, i always knew it was not okay for him. and so, i talked him out. i asked him if he's going to contribute anything for the fund raising or he would just don't bother. 

"i have some cash from ayah long and duit raya. i can give some of it. mangroves has extinct. the schoold need money so we could buy some pokok and tanam. at least, the small things we can do". 

i was touched listening to his statement. and so, i started my mom's role
"you should sell something for the fund raise. let's do something cheap and sell it. i can help you and you can ask adik2 to help as well". 

and that was it. he started planning, asked me to get stuff and i could never be so proud of him when the day before the fund raising, he was all out in planning, budgeting and even trying to be as efficient he could be by planning the manpower and so on.

I was so proud of him.

The day before the sale, he was all out preparing, and he even managed to convince his siblings to help him.

The cost was only rm20 and I was proud to know that he made rm60. he took rm20, and the balance rm40 went to the charity.

he was ok.

and the week after, aimar was planning for his fund raising. at first, i thought he was just being competitive. being the middle child, his competitiveness level has always been higher as compared to his abang or his adik.

but, as usual, i was supporting him all the way.

on the other hand, his teacher did gave him an assignment to draw a poster of mangroves. aimar, being not as creative crafty as compared to aidan, was worried that he couldn't make a nice poster. aidan volunteered to help. so, they started getting the info from the internet, and aidan started to draw while aimar painted it.

o my, it was such a soothing view to see them work hand in hand, without fighting. there's something about mangroves that brought them together. aimar was very proud when his teacher picked his poster to be display on the school's main notice board.

wham bam!!! more plus point for this mangroves project!!!


and the story didn't stop there. aimar was soooo motivated with raising the fund for the mangroves. he was ecstatic. he wanted to sell bookmarks and went to the bookstore with me to buy nice colour papers for the bookmarks.... i was so impressed to see the outcome. and aimar wanted to sell for less than rm1.. he said his friend won't have much cash to buy expensive bookmarks. he said he could make a lot of bookmarks, sell it for rm0.50 and still raise the fund. he has always been so thoughtful!

and he also got the help from his abang and his adik... wasn't that lovely? the siblinghood bonding!ooooo
of all, i have always been so skeptical with aimar. i always think it was all about winning and competing when it comes to his motive. and that night, i was wrong. i saw his passions. 

and his science teacher was telling me how great aimar was with the bookmarks.his teacher did a demo to the class, and it took him a while where he looked, studied the folded bookmarks, and voila, there he was!!

i posted it in the FB and we had such an overwhelmed kind hearted friends of mine that was willingly donated money for his fundraising. that day alone, he collected rm300 and donated all to the charity. 

yup! he did that!

and on the day they went to the sire, i got two teachers texting me, sending pictures of how excited and how focused he was with the information he gained. it was not aimar at all. he never could focus on things so deep like he did. 

besarNya kuasa Allah... Dialah Zat yang membolak-balikkan hati sesiapapun.. 

I can always think aimar is never serious in anything.. he just couldn't as he get all fidgety..  sekejap je Allah tunjuk.. 

for whatever, doa yang baik2 untuk anak2. 

and aimar dear, mama always do pray for the best in you. ameen. 

they called them 'children' not 'student'

and i meant well
it's teachers' day today. (the day i wrote the post, not the day i posted this)
i have so many things to say and so many blessing to counts, that i decided to write it out, one by one.
to all the teachers of my children

i had an experience to guide 11 year 6 students (of 12 years old boys and girls) for a performance they are going to present it this sunday.
i thought it's gonna be easy.
these kids are big enough as much as independent.
these kids are big enough to grab on things what they need and should do.
these kids are the most seniors and easy to guide!!
these kids are students of khalifah model school.
and how wrong have i been!
nope, they are not bad kids.
but then again, when they show no interest, sign of protest, buat idea sendiri takmo dengar auntie ain cakap and so on.... i was wondering, how did all their teachers survived all these while?
istiqomah, sabar, tekun...
ya allah, it's undescribable.
i could hardly make aidan listen to me the first time i asked him to.
and he is my own son, the most obedient anak of all!
and how could i expect the other 10 can listen??????

it was a brief encounter...
and the more i think of it, the more i knew i owe all the teachers that in my life, all the teachers of my children and all the teachers in this world who has made us the way we are..


i wished i could buy them a Ferragamo bags or an Aigner watches.. just a sign of gratitude.. to all of them... but i guess, for now, cikgu2, kita berangan dulu ye.
when aidan was 4 years old, his was in a small kindi in kemaman.tadika seri budi. i remembered one day, aidan came back and told me "mama, sorry, tadi cikgu ros pukul hand aidan sebab aidan was talking when she was teaching".. he was only 4 and i was so defensive. but, i didn't see any wrong that cikgu ros has done. in fact, she was educating.. and that was his first lesson, respect your teachers!

aimar pulak, was lucky enough to get to know teacher noni during his kindi. anak nombor 2 saya ni, hero sikit. when i heard no complaint about aidan, aimar always made me closer to teachers... "kak, aimar pecah kan cermin mata kawan dia" and they were only four... sampai umur sepuluh tahun cikgu dok message mama "kak, nanti saya nak jumpe akak ye." and my usual suspect was aimar :)

bukanlah makna kata aidan tu tak pernah ada isu. o. he has his issue alright...

aivey, taring die belum tumbuh lagi. she has always be the quite one when in class.. just a total opposite than she is at home. belum dapat gu lagi kot.
i have been posting so many nice things about the teachers of khalifah.. the boys' teachers.
fact is, they are all nice.

pernah masa amik result aimar, teacher cakap "aimar ni kasar sangat, ada cikgu cakap dia kurang ajar"
aidan pun ada turn kene 'sound' ngan cikgu sampai kena ban from joining the qalam jamaei'
and me, being a defensive mother (and tell me, mak mana yang tak defensive?)... kekadang macam nak marah gak, dan kekadang macam sedih gak...

but then again, bila dengar balik cerita anak2 sendiri, i tried putting myself on the teachers' shoes..not my own shoes.. i might know and accepted my sons weaknesses and flaws... but these teachers... jenuh lah kalau semua nak tau and nak accept perangai 'special' anak2 kita satu-persatu... though, trust me when i say, almost all the teachers in KMS knew their students' acts and antics.... it's just the school. the method their using is so workable and o my, they are not just teaching my children, but me and my hubby too...

i remembered being interviewed by teacher lin before aidan and aimar got to be enrolled to the school... mak aii.. boleh cikgu tanye "how do you penalised your kids at home? do you know that in khalifah we don't encourage harshness".. i was like... ishhh.. sekolah pulak nak ajar camne kami nak besarkan anak kami... and me, being defensive (again), terus tanye teacher "why must you asked?" and her answered was not so convincing. she told me "we don't practice beating or hitting or anything harsh. khalifah method is a method that we guide our students to have a good inner speech, out of their own willingness to be good so that they know what is good and what is not. we teach with kindness. and this can only work out if the same applies at home too".
i was like, huh? no harsh punishment? no marah tengking? only kindness???? boleh ke itu macam?
trust me, i was like "does it work?" and she told me "insyaallah".

i was skeptical. but trust me, how wrong have i been... orang kata, bumi mana tak ditimpa hujan. its not all gold and shines, but it's the best they could give to my boys.

alhamdullillah, praise to allah for the blessings.

one of the right thing we did was to have them in a school like kms.
panjang pulak meleretnya...
nak cerita pasal cikgu2, pusing2 bukak citer sekolah.

but then again, if only i could describe the bond the students have with the teachers, the trust the students put on their teachers, the love they had for each others....if only i could....
it is undescribable, indeed...

i was working on the teachers' day event this weekend. one of the task is to do some editing work... the students were interviewing their teachers... i noticed one thing in common.. all of them would describe their students as children.. i love working with the children, i wish the best for the children and so on.... and some how, i was touched.
dear teachers, you've done so much for my kids, and we were strangers...the best gift i could gift (though Ferragamos or aigner sound great) is our prayers.. ya allah,hanya engkau yang mampu membalas jasa2 mereka yang baik budi... moga ilmu2 yang bermanfaat menjadi bekal buat kalian hingga ke jannah..ameen...

yes, it's personal

salam sir,
it has been 72 hrs, and i thought i could put everything in peace, and i failed.
i couldn't.
therefore, i'm writing this note to you.
for whatever we've done to you, please forgive us.
yes, as much as we tried to understand what major sins has been committed to the extent he was dismissed, we still couldn't compute on the decision made.
yes, he did wrong. he was late, always.
yes, he missed the submission.he failed submitting the respond in due time.
yes, the decision was not made by you alone. you do not have the authority to decide all by yourself.

but sir, i wonder, was it so severe that he had to be dismissed immediately, being humiliated to that extent, for all that he's done? did make the company loss so much business and profits? has he hurt anyone, especially you, to the extent you hate him so much?
he has his troubles.
i wish he could be more expressive and share it to everyone.
but, being that hard-headed man, i know he won't.

dear sir,
i wonder if you anyone closer to you, to be exact, anyone who is under your amanah, being diagnosed with cancer?
i'm not trying to buy any sympathy.. we don't need any.
in fact, as i'm writing this, i wish you highlight, this means no business, and yes, it's personal.
he didn't knew i'm writing this and please don't put more blame on him.
he was just a man who is 18 years younger than you, jobless, just because he did not submit few pages of his clarifications to defend himself when he had the chance. He definitely a good husband, he is now so distraught for having a sick wife who is not working and three little children who are still at school and need to be feed, take care of and love for. back to cancer, did you know that although he was the first Asian who was given the responsibility as the Supt in the 1st Deepwater FPSO in Asia, he didn't get much recognition on that achievement? I didn't understand how can the Company trust him so much that the Company could give him that post... On the other hand, did you know, when he got the job, he so much under stress. That was the year his wife was diagnosed of having cancer. That was the year he flunked his appraisal after decades in his careers. He has always been a nerdy in school and university and work. But, his wife had cancer, and we were only in our mid 30s.
Alhamdullillah, thanks to Petronas, the treatment was all paid for. Alhamdullillah, his wife recovered after 8x chemo and 33x radiotherapy. She lost 30kg and she was too skinny bone and too tired to work. We opted for her not to work during the remission. It's our 4th year of remission now. Did you know, when his wife no longer working with Petronas, she was no longer having her own medical insurance and depending on his? Did you know that she did not have any other insurance before that and too late to have a personal insurance now for cancer has always been a 'death penalty' to the patients? Did you know that remission doesn't mean you are going to be healthy all the time? Did you know that the chemo drug kills all the cell in her bodies and she is now recovering with such a horrifying side effect? Did you know that the head and neck radiotherapy kills her normal hearing, that she could hardly hear lots of things and need a lot of patience for people to deal with her? She also do not have enough saliva as her saliva gland was severely burnt due to the chemo, did you know?
Enough about cancer... it's just that it wasn't you that give us the cancer. But I just wish that you could understand, when his wife was not well, most of the time, he was the only adult in the house (and has to go to work), making sure everything is run normally and smoothly. That includes managing the kids schooling, the food and so forth. Did you know he was juggling in between time. Yes, you are right. it was none of your business. He should have been smart enough to manage to handle his personal life. He failed the company and it was him to be at fault (really?how thoughtful the company is). But, please agree with me, he is a good husband and a good father. And I bet, you are a good husband and a good father too... otherwise, at the age of 58, you won't be bothering to work and disciplining others, if you do not have children to feed on. Or maybe my assumption was wrong.
dear sir, if only you know how he tried writing up that summary and respond to your letter! If only you know. It was a mess sir! He didn't sleep..not at all.. He didn't sleep, not one or two nights in a row... he didn't sleep eight nights in a row.. at least, that's the longest I managed to keep track on. he was on his laptop, on that word files, editing and amending it over and over again. It was a horrible arguments we had when I asked him to just submit whatever.. and being an oddly perfectionist (which he denies my :)), he failed to submit anything. and yes, it was not your fault sir. but I just wish if you knew.
and on wednesday, when you were so proud on the decision you made, when you were so firm with the decision you held on, i wonder, did you know, that man who is 18 years younger than you is out of work while you are still working... i wonder, did you know he has mouth to feed.. and i bet, just like you, you are working to feed your wife and children.. but unlike you, he is not working..

dear sir, it is not your fault and i'm not pointing fingers on you.. he told me it was not your faults... ada hikmah Allah has arranged beautifully.

but sir, i just want to know? if that's how an HR head thinks the best to disciplining a person, does it really work? Does it give you the satisfaction sir? Does it give you such a great achievement that you can be proud of sir? Does it fair enough rather than other method like demotion and many other option? Does it fulfilled your satisfaction for having such penalty on a person who was clueless what DI was, how it should be conducted and failing to adhere or even requested for extension in a proper manner?

sir, have him and his family done so many wrongs to you that you hate us so much? forgive him and forgive us.
but please know, he hasn't been sleeping for months now. please pray that he's okay.

dear sir, forgive me for this writing, it supposed to be just a few lines of notes. i just want to know what sin has he made that the only option is to dismissed him immediately, as if he was born with no dignity. apparently, i wrote too much. but i wonder sir, did you ever think how it felt to be in this man shoe? the shoe you've done some damage on.

thank you sir. may allah bless you and your family.