Tears

Tonight was one of those days - i called it my 'blocked' day.

The day when the ears were badly blocked and I couldn't hear almost anything but noise.

Tonight was one of those days

... the day when the boys would take charge being the mediator between me and ghe mamak because i could hardly hear what the mamak was saying in order to verify our order.

...the day when the kids were saying something and I couldn't hear them clearly and they had to raise their voice and i had to raise mine.

...the day when people kept on repeating what they said and i kept on asking 'apa dia?' and end up either the other person would give up or i would.

...the day i would shed my tears, the most.

...the day when i admitted i am deaf amd couldn't hear and people would just think 'how convenient!'

Malu sebenarnya nak menangis.

Malu kat Allah Yang As Samii

He has given me so much!

Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't go through the chemo, radio, weight loss, blood transfusion and so many more.

Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't look for Him yet or maybe not at all.

Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't be able to stay idle and read thru the quran app and all the ceramah and all.

And tonight, I cry for the blocked ears!!! Just for that when He had given me so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sangat malu

But i know. Dalam surah almulk, ada ayat: waasirru qaulakum awijharu bih; innahu aalimu bizatis sudur - dan tuturlah perkataanmu dengan perlahan atau dengan nyaring, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa di dadamu (Quran 67:13).

He Knows.

I cried for I wish I could have my 'normal' hearing like I used to have.

I cried for I know I am still here with my new 'normal' and I am in a better place.

I cried for I feel the love when my boys gave me the sympathy look trying to tell me "it's ok mama, we know you didn't hear us and we are sorry for making you scream at us"

I cried for I want things to get better but I guess it worsen than any better.

I cried for I am guilty - tak bersyukur.. and so I pray.

Ya Allah, ampunkan hamba hina ini. Berikan aku banyak sabar dan lebih banyak bersyukur.

Jangan golongkan aku dalam golongan mereka yang tak mensyukuri nikmatMu... dalam setiap tangisku, hadir doa memohon ampun meminta redhaMu Ya Allah.

The picture was one of those chemo seasion taken in Dec 2013. I was 'healthy', but fact was the drug made me look chubby. It was called the mooning effect!

This was the drug that killed every bad and good cells in my body. It kills!!