Monday, December 4, 2017

cancer

Cancers are a large family of diseases that involve abnormal cell growth with the potential to invade or spread to other parts of the body.They form a subset of neoplasms. A neoplasm or tumor is a group of cells that have undergone unregulated growth and will often form a mass or lump, but may be distributed diffusely.
All tumor cells show the six hallmarks of cancer. These characteristics are required to produce a malignant tumor. They include:
The progression from normal cells to cells that can form a detectable mass to outright cancer involves multiple steps known as malignant progression.
info: wikipedia
....
this is not a sympathy post neither a medical posting.
i decided that i'm not so good in describing and explaining how i felt during the treatment and so forth. i told abah earlier, i did not go for my yearly MRI check-up this year - it was my decision and i'm sticking with it. not because of money or anything. i just thought, i am currently on my 3rd year of remission and as my oncology told me, he estimated the period, the least, is 5 years for us to ensure that the cancer is not active anymore.. wallahualam... this year, i decided, i'm healthy without the need of going through the MRI CT-Scan PET-Scan and all... for there's a little teeny weeny 'fear' in myself should I am told that 'old friend' of mine has come back to visit - I told abah, I'm never gonna do any chemo or radio again should i am told my cancer come back. 
i've been reading a lot about remission. i wanted to know when will the effect stop. i wish i could get the answer. on Monday 2nd December 2013, was the first day i had my chemo - it has been 4 years... and i still can 'feel' how it made me feel!
i told mama, i want to ask for clarification and forgiveness on everything i've said and done that hurt others which i didn't know so that when i die, i'm not going to be 'diazabkan' dengan all the siksa yang Allah janjikan dalam quran - siksa kubur, siksa neraka. 
banyak sangat ayat quran, hadis, cerita2 tafsir ulama and everything that has been describing siksa kubur, siksa akhirat. 
and all i can think is, masa siksa kena chemo and radio, rasa badan kene remuk, kene himpit, kene peluk yang amat sangat sampai boleh patah tulang, nak muntak tak berhenti2 sampai nak buang semua yang ada dalam badan, menangis bagai nak rak sampai nak keluar air mata darah..... semua rasa sakit tu masa treatment... is multiply by 1000, 1million or even more..sebab janji Allah atas segala dosa kita .. allahuakbar... i'm not strong! 

cancer ni jahat. 
lama dia duduk dalam badan kita..bertahun-tahun and we don't even know their existence! 
tiba2, dia attack bagai nak rak.. dia makan semua yang dia mampu, sampai kita yang termampu nak tanggung! my cancer, when diagnosed, was already on stage 3. kalau tengok balik PET -Scan, dah dekat ngan otak sel2 diorang berkampung dalam badan. teringat masa chemo, nurse datang bilik bawak ubat siap dengan bertutup hidung mulut, bersarung tangan..ubat tu itself pun berbalut rapi dengan aluminium with a sign of tengkorak on it - poisonous! 3-4 jam masuk racun dalam badan, 8 kali masuk cisplastin kot salur darah, and dalam 50 bijik pil xeloda ditelan - bubuh racun dalam badan to kill the cancer.... 
alhamdullillah... Allah kasik sembuh, Allah kasik ingat.. sungguh...kalau tak sebab cancer, tak tentu lagi saya jaga solat wajib 5 waktu saya. aurat tu, memang tak berjaga lah - bila abang tegur baju ketat, baju singkat, abang yang kena gaduh ngan bini dia sebab bini dia tegur laki paranoid. astaghfirullah hal azim. 
if anything, cancer has been a blessing - a turning point and sebab time remission pun memang sokmo sakit, it is how allah wants to forgive us if we asked for it, and He wants us to get closer to Him than ever, alhamdullillah. 
sebab cancer dan chemo, my hearing is so severely damaged - i learned to appreciate, telinga ini is a blessing for Him... kena jaga molek semua, tanda kita bersyukur. kene belajar sabar dan sangka baik. bila kene 'jerkah', cepat nak berasa hati..tapi kekadang bukan niat orang tu nak jerkah, orang tu tinggi suara sikit sebab kita tak dengar,,,, and not being able to taste anything after the radio, and that lasted for nearly a year.... i learned to appreciate anything that goes into my throat... rupanya, 'makan rasa kadbod' tu is just not merely a saying..it is real! and takde air liur, sampaikan bila makan tercekik kena mintak tolong orang sebelah hentak belakang, dan bila in the middle or the night terbatuk tersedak sebab no saliva and it is so dry inside my mouth and throat, kasik saya sedar... air liur ni satu nikmat yang tak pernah kita sedar how would it feel if allah tarik nikmat tu. and one more, taik hidung... sound wierd and gross...but yes, taik hidung is something that we didn't see the importance, tapi untuk orang yang buat chemo radio kat head and neck macam saya, i cried the first time i got to have my first taik hidung after two years of remission. yes... the fluid in my nose ears cavity terlampau banyak and overflown sampai hidung nak proses and trap habuk nak jadi taik pun tak sempat.. betul, i cried when i got to have my taik hidung back then. and i know, bila nanti, i can have my 'normal' taik telinga like many others, i will cry too. yup, after today, i am yet to have any 'normal' taik telinga.... my ears are magical... tak pernah sunyi. the buzzing in my ears never stop. and so do the fluid that would simply come out from my ears, whenever... bila nak keluar, keluar lah dia meleleh..basah lah anak tudung... so, kenalah dok basuh hari2 anak tudung tu.gigi pulak - dentist nampak muka kita pun dah tak tahu nak respond macam mana... kalau sakit, makan painkiller je lah. i couldn't have any tooth extraction. kalau ikut dentist, not in five ten fifteen or baper2 lama pun, tak boleh cabut gigi. kalau sakit,tampal. kalau sakit lagi, try root canal. kalau sakit gak, makan ubat, biar dia mereput sendiri. yes.... tak boleh cabut gigi, like forever. dentist cakap, kalau cabut, berdarah, memang makan tahun lah nak baik. and at times i'm writing this, after four years of chemo, i have three problematic teeth which my only solution is pain killers... i might have bad side effect with pain killers after this, but i guess, i could just cope with it rather than letting the gigi sakit dengan penuh bangga bermaharajalela. trust me, going to the dentist has always been a fear to any cancer patient like me. fatigueness - well.... i'm resting my case on this. but, bila racun chemo masuk badan, bunuh semua cell cancer yang jahat dan cell lain yang baik..... what is left???? the body is recovering... try nak bina balik semua cell2 tu... it took 37 years to build all the cells, how could i expect it would recover after 5, 10 years time???????

nope, i'm not complaining. 
i have so much blessings with cancer. betul. 
i'm posting this so that for those out there to appreciate every single thing yang Maha Pencipta bagi kat kita. 
kita asik lupa... kita  dok cakap kita bersyukur Allah bagi kita rezeki macam2..tapi, kita lupa kita tak buat macam kita bersyukur. kita mengaku kat orang 'dulu, orang pandang hina kat aku, sekarang berkat usaha aku belajar sungguh2 kerja sungguh2, Allah bagi aku rezeki lebih dari orang yang pandang hina kat aku!"... itu salah kita.... dalam kata bersyukur, masih bangga semua usaha kita!
and what make it more sad is when we think, orang lain patut bersyukur atas kemuliaan kita... 'aku senyap, tak kata apa tak kutuk apa, dah bagus... bersyukur lah aku tak cerita semua keburukan kau!'
allahuakbar, hitam! hati banyak hitam!!! doa lah, mintak tolong kat Allah nak bersihkan balik satu2 titik hitam kat hati...

titik hitam kat hati tu, asal2 satu dua.. lama2 jadi banyak dan makan diri. macam cancer. 

sama macam hubungan kita dengan orang. tambah2 orang tu karib kaum keluarga kita. 
kita senyap, malas nak tegur walau kita berasa hati.. tetiba orang tu tanye, 'aku buat salah kat ko ke?', terus kita ungkit balik benda 10 tahun lepas..yang kononnya, masa hari kejadian, kita simpan sebab kita tak mahu 'panjangkan' issue. 
10 tahun?!!!... itu pun sebab orang tu tanye, kalau orang tu tak tanye, kita tak bagitau...kalau tak bagitau tapi tak simpan dendam, takpe...ni tunggu orang tu dah mati, atau kita dah mati, kat akhirat nanti waktu dihisab, malaikat tanya orang tu 'ko ada buat sesapa sakit hati tak?' orang tu pun yakin 'takde. semua orang macam okay je ngan aku'... sekali tetiba kita cepat2 gi claim 'ada..aku berasa ngan dia dah lama dah.'...... time tu baru nak claim dosa orang tu kat kita... tak ke naya orang tu? mungkin tak naya... tapi, kalau orang lain buat kat kita cam tu... tak ke naya kita????

kalau boleh bunuh cancer ni, bunuh lah...  nak bunuh cancer ni, it's not easy - never! chemo was horrible, radio was a torture. the path stays, the effect last so long... tapi, at least dah dibunuh. 
samalah dengan rasa tak puas hati kat orang..sama concept ngan cancer. kalau simpan, jadi cancer, dia bunuh kita... so, bunuh lah dia dulu. sakit nak bunuh tu lagi banayk baiknya dari biar dia bunuh kita. 

sampai bila nak senyap?

saya ni, mulut sangat kasar. dulu memang teguh saya pegang konsep biar kasar, janji tak pura-pura. but now, i learned, salah berkasar... i was supposed to practice what nabi saw asked us - baginda sabar. tapi bukan bermakna baginda senyap dan membenarkan yang salah dengan konsep biarlah... allah cakap, wata wa soubil haq, wa tawaashau bilhaqqi wa tawaashaubish-shabr berpesan dengan benar, berpesan dengan sabar... itu kurang saya.. saya nak benar, tapi saya tak sabar...

maka dengan itu, kalau...nope not kalau, but memang ada salah saya kat semua orang, yang terasa hati dengan apa yang saya cakap atau buat, mohon bagitau saya...saya pasti akan defensive nak explain bahagian saya, tapi, saya yakin, itu yang benar dan untuk sabar saya nak cuba dan mohon doa kalau orang tak faham, saya boleh terima...susah nak buat tu..tolong doakan ye. but then again, tolong bagitau saya. tolong jangan tuntut kat akhirat nanti, sebab dosa saya dengan allah terlampau amat banyak, sampaikan saya bangun tahjud dan taubat tiap2 malam pun belum tentu dah counter balik dosa2 tu... mohon jangan bebankan saya dengan dosa yang saya tak tahu. tolong bagitau.

don't let the cancer live alive.


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